Or words of encouragement? I'm devastated by not suprised really. It's happened before. I'm going to confront him with this information (proven through phone records and text messages) tonight. We have four beautiful, happy children and just purchased a new home. He's a good dad and I can't see disrupting my kid's lives by leaving him....
2007-09-29 02:37:05 · 23 answers · asked by Haylebird 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Okay, I know the easy answer is "leave the bum", but it's more complicated than that, isn't it? The kids have no idea what's going on. They really don't. They're in a great home, in wonderful school situations---they're happy. I don't have a dime to my name nor a supportive family. I would literally be homeless if I left. I know there's public assistance, but "happier in the end"? Living in a crappy apartment working full time trying to scrape by? Disrupting these kids' lives? I guess that feels selfish to me. I wonder if I should just accept the reality of being married to a man who is unfaithful and try to keep things stable for the kids for the next few years.
2007-09-29 02:44:27 · update #1
I'm approaching this from experience, having had a spouse who cheated on me also. Things to do:
*** The first step is to confront the "cheating" behavior- he needs to know that the behavior is hurtful to you and damages trust.
*** Second, you have to agree to be accountable for your part (if there is one) and that both of you will create a safe and open environment by letting their partner know where they are. You must replace deception with honesty.
*** Thirdly, because trust has been violated, he needs to disclose everything (and he may if it's safe)... but if he refuses, then the problem may be larger than you imagined. . The only way to tear down the wall of deception is to have an open window - no secrets. He should be made to understand that sharing information is one way to rebuild intimacy.
*** Fourth, figure out where vulnerabilities are in your relationship and begin to work on them.
*** Fifth, discuss what being faithful and committed in your marriage means to you.
Finally, understand that this is a very difficult process and you may need to seek the help of a professional to work through your issues. Threats to leave only escalates the problem 90% of the time, so go slow and be patient.
Finally, dumping your spouse seems like an easy solution, as suggested by >90% of those here, but this doesn't allow you to see your part in this behavior. Not seeing your part also means that you may repeat the behavior, whatever it was, in your next relationship (since the blame was directed on your partner). Many a couple has resolved the issues after an affair and had a fantastic, much better/richer and more meaningful marriage, once the underlying issue was resolved.
If it looks like it's going south quickly (headed for a divorce nonetheless), here are some things to do:
a) Get an attorney ASAP as there are legal issues needing resolution NOW.
b) The primary issue right now seems to be financial-- solve this one immediately, otherwise you're looking at also losing your home and other critical things for survival. Take care of you and your children-- #1
c) He's gone, so you can't leave him-- whatever you do, don't chase him
d) look carefully, very carefully, at your role in this process as typically the left spouse is in such deep pain and stunned that they're unable to recognize their contribution to the problem. Each partner is 100% responsible for the marriage- not 50%, and it's when 50% is done that problems begin.
e) come up with a 2-3 point plan of your next financial, emotional and stabilizing move- follow this plan as it will keep you from making stupid decisions due to your emotional state. Make no life decisions at this point- wait 3-6 months minimum, as they can have devastating effects.
f) Find emotional support quickly-- your own sanity is critical if you're to parent effectively and be loving with them.
2007-09-29 02:52:15 · answer #1 · answered by Wisdom??? 5 · 1⤊ 3⤋
When I discovered it I emptied the back acct, hired an atty, and then a PI. OK, first allow me to explain that I emptied the bank acct because that sounds harsh. I paid the bills, a lot of them. He never paid a bill, actually couldn't tell you who different things were financed thru. Second, he had receivables that were due immediately in an amount that was far more than I withdrew. At the first hearing, I'd paid ALL bills even though I had no income, had even been making pmts. on the house he moved into with his GF. He denied adultery, my atty pulled out PI report with video, SLED certified proof, not just adultery, but habitual adultery. Further, he maxed out credit card in 3 days after he left, yet never did make a pmt. on it. New gold earrings for GF, New cell phones for both of them, even though he kept the one he already had.
Now, I have to wonder if you've thought about how this will affect the kids when they do find out. Eventually, they will. Is this the way you want your sons to treat women, and if you have girls, is the the kind of relationship you hope for them to be in one day. I'd consider what I'd be teaching by example.
The easy answer is to stay and not have to worry about bills, money, work, which you may well have to worry about anyway, because he just may leave you for one of them eventually. You may not have a choice about that in the end. If it was me, I'd be finding work, going back to school, creating life separate from him for you and kids, while he's still supporting you. Start putting some money aside too that he can't find! No accounts. Boo
2007-09-29 03:30:46 · answer #2 · answered by bonnieboobabe 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Confront him on this, and give him an ultimatum: get your act together, or you can leave. You won't be out in the cold; he is responsible for the children (child support) and you (alimony if you divorce). Many states also require that he pay the house note until the divorce is final. However, before it gets that crucial, go into marriage counseling. If this is the first time, there may be underlying issues in the marriage that caused this; both of you need to assess if you want to stay in the marriage. If so, both of you have a LOT of work to do. If not, you need to separate amicably, for the sake of the children. If he has cheated before, you need to ask yourself: if I stay, as the children grow up, will they think that this level of dysfunction is normal? Will they pattern our behavior? Good luck and God bless.
2007-09-29 02:59:19 · answer #3 · answered by Judy W 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Is the relationship worth keeping? Since you state he did it before. He will do it again. Why bother confronting him then? You have already admitted to the fact that you dont want to break up the home. If so you will have to come to peace with yourself that your husband cheats on you.
Cheaters are selfish people and they dont really care about others. Since he has shown that lack of respect. Can you live with that? And when the kids find out,,and they ultimately will..what does your role modeling say to them?
Best of luck
2007-09-29 03:39:49 · answer #4 · answered by Bob D 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
If you're not going to leave him, don't confront him about his affair. Men don't respect weak women and he considers you to be a weak woman. He cheated before and you didn't do anything. He will continue to cheat and nothing or nobody is going to stop him.
If you're not happy, your four children can see that. Children know when their parents are having problems and aren't happy. Don't use your children as an excuse to stay. When you get the strength and courage, you will leave him. He can be a great dad and not live with his children.
2007-09-29 02:52:19 · answer #5 · answered by KSR 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
it's going to continue i met this guy and for a year he didn't tell me or anyone that he's married and has slept with alot of girls and his wife is sticking around getting hurt because she's worried about the kids.....your husband cheating on u is already disturbing the kids.....kids notice when something is wrong they just don't show it........u might as well leav e because it's dangerous there are too many diseases out there
2007-09-29 03:01:03 · answer #6 · answered by mrs. MJ 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You should sneak up on him when you are free n ask someone to take care of your children while u go n snap some photos of him with his MISTRESS!
den u should talk to him seriously or call social services or helplines regarding dis problems and BEWARE never to let ur child know about it even when the cruciest period comes when u have to divorce him u have to bluff ur kids n try to get someone close in ur family to help look after ur kids as for ur financial problems u need help from the government or social workers i guess........
happy to help.
2007-09-29 02:58:23 · answer #7 · answered by cheryline 2 · 0⤊ 2⤋
You'll do worse to stay because of the kids. He should be the one to move. And Pay for what he has done. You will never forget this thing he has done. It will haunt you for along time. He will have to pay for this. Because he screwed up you need the house, kids, and Good luck
2007-09-29 02:42:37 · answer #8 · answered by Life lover 4 · 2⤊ 2⤋
Confront him & talk to him. Take the name of ur kids, n tell him for their good future we have to make adjustments with each other. Show tht u care for him. Spend quality time with ur family (including ur hubby) like making a picnic-lunch at home on holidays.. may b u cud give him a shoulder massage to him & make him explain.
2007-09-29 02:45:17 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 3⤋
you have a choice of your own,either forgive him for the sake of your kids or divorce him,but did you asked yourself..could you afford to lost him?do you still love him?sometimes we need to think thousands times before we decide,what is the best solution to our problems.i know what you feel..its really hurts, but theres the children that we always need to think first,before ourself..hope you can..best for you..
2007-09-29 03:04:31 · answer #10 · answered by icepink 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋