What am I doing wrong!?

Question

I have been married almost a year now and I'm already heading into a divorce. I have battled with depression for 11 years. I'm 22 he is 32. When my husband met me he knew I had depression he didn't know the severity. I was in control of it with medication and therapy with sucess for 4 months until we got married and everything changed. He became unsupportive when I needed emotional support. He is very judgemetal and speaks his mind even if it hurts me. He believes that I am not able to make my own choices correctly and that I have bad judgement because of my depression. First off all I have a 4.0 in college and scored the highest score in the County exam for work as a teen sexual health counselor. I have two jobs and volunteer as an advocate for low income families. If I were "wrong" why is it I can do all this. But any how. I gave in a started to believe something was wrong with me and so we decided to take counseling. That didn't help he didnt agree with the last 3 Dr.'s we had.

He is christian I was catholic. I went to chuch with him and later got baptized Christian and he was very happy about it. We tried self help books. Support groups. and yes even the surrendered wife book!! He still blamed me and criticized me although I followed verything I was suppose to do. I feel like a completely different person. My depression has sky rocket including 3 suicide attempts in the past 6 months. I love him so much and thats the problem. I can't let go because I still feel like we can work things out. I'm only asking that he understand my feelings and start to emotionally support me. I need him to be a loving usband and not the type of husband that says don't cry, Just stop being depressed, don't talk or make decisions you are not "right" to be able to do things on your own. Should I just got through with divorce or should I try anything else? I ran out of options. PLease help me email me if you want to chat and elaborate

Answer 1

Depression is not so much as an illness but really a lifestyle isn't it? I feel like it is something I wake up with and constantly wrestle for supremacy every day.

You have a husband who doesn't "feel" what it is like to have this, how could he? not only that would you wish it on him?!

No way, it sucks.

It isn't the end of the world though.

I see it as like having a 24/7 personal trainer that sits in my head and tries to get me to quit, like the drill sargent in the Full Metal Jacket movie.

We are fortunate! How so? how could that be the case when we feel so s*h*i*t*f*u*l*l* most of the time?

Simply this,
you have to feel something because you are alive. Fact.

I would sooner have to fight for what I have and KNOW that I have earned everything I have, both mentally and physically.

This "illness" is a shrouded gift buddy. Before you ask hubby to understand it, take time out and remind yourself of what you have endured with it, what you have overcame.

When you can clearly remind yourself of how amazing you actually are, explain it like a tutor, bit by bit, to your hubby.
Take the angle of sharing your victories, rather than your "problems".

That way he won't hear you like you are whinging or pressuring him, thus will more likely open up to your love.

You will present as in command (which you really are).

If you want:
[e-mail]

Take good care, you are equipped and you rock!

Answer 2

Oh, I am so sorry and I feel your pain in your words and know you crying out of help to understand how to help your marriage. I am not going to say this to hurt you, but I am going to say that you need to stop blaming you and stop believing that you are wrong, Just because you have a diagnose of depression doesn't mean that you are the one with the issue and that every situation that causes an issue is you. Your husband is using that to justified is behavior and his issues. Be very careful here and really listen to what is being said to you by your husband. I had a husband just like yours and he state the same things and more. saying he can have me committed, he can have my children taken away. He wanted and insisted that I see a doctor so he would have documentation to support that I am not in my right mind and I can not make a sound decision. I knew him for 8 years, I married him for 37 days. So really listen, some people want total control of another and will use what ever means to get it. You can email me if you need to talk more. You are not wrong. Say that out loud. take the power back and don't allow him or anyone beat you down.

Answer 3

Hey I'm bi-polar 22yrs old been married for 3yrs....my wife has always had my back when it comes to my mental illness. When your depressed or manic you may do things that you don't mean to do...he is a great guy I'm sure, but he has to understand he is a fool if he doesn't....As to whether or not you should get a divorce hmmmm....You have done counseling time and time again and it didn't seem to help much.......There seems to be a generational gap in your relationship young people are more sensitive as you grow older you grow tougher and sometimes forget what it is like to be emotionally vulnerable.
You need a change...the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result.

Answer 4

Does he include the choice to marry him in the ones you can't make correctly? What happened that changed his supportive nature once you got married? I'm a firm believer in trying to work things out. Maybe he is not admitting that he could be at fault as well, putting all the blame on you, the "depressed" person. Have couple counseling with a neutral person, see how both of you can be contributing to this problem.

Answer 5

From what I read. You are sound very smart and a wonderful individual to me. But you are just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Your state of mine been manipulate by your husband, who is very controlling about everything you do or said. Nothing is ever seem right in his eyes. You even willing to get help to try to make the marriage work, but he is always putting you down, and degrade you. Make you don't even believe the person you are anymore. This is emotional abused. He needed to stop what he been doing to you. But I don't think he will. You can't change a person unless that person wanted to change them self. I hope you two didn't have children together, because they'll make the matter worse for you, if kids are involved. Sometimes you think they are too young to understand what's going on, but they do and the memories last with them until they grow into adult and effect their life and future. I would love to suggest that you two get counselor, but I won't. Because, he didn't agreed on your last 3 Dr. you two had. So, his mind thinking he is not the person who have the problem and who is need help, but you. I don't think he is deserved you at all, yes you might have problem and you recognize it and seeking help...But I think he need one himself. His ego and manipulate, bully are driving you to to take your own life couple of time already. You are too much for him to handle,You are still very young,(10 yrs different) intelligent, work two jobs, do volunteer works. You don't need him, you are" too much of a woman" for him. Maybe he is scare to lose you, so he have to make you feel you are not worthy and you have problem. You already he don't have any respect for you, unsupportive,and don't care about your feeling. I don't think that is love. Lose him, focus on what is important in your life right now. Get your life back and and the next time you get hitch, make sure he deserse you. You sure can do better than this. Your husband don't know what and how he got. If I am your sister I'll make sure he wake up from whatever he has been taking. Good luck to you and be strong. Don't do silly things, like taking your own life. HE IS NOT WORTH.

Answer 6

My ex nearly talked me into a depression though I have no history of it Almost in the same way your spouse is doing
What he is trying to do is to control you There is a severe power imbalance in the relationship. It sounds as if yoru spouse lacks empathy
You know you are better than this You say so in your own posting You have succeeded in choices you have made. Thus it is hard to accept that your husband was not the right choice for you. There is nothing wrong with you other than having the depression and you have battled it and worked hard to overcome it. You know your limits and he is exceeding them


Of course he is not agreeing with the 3 docs you have had. They tell him that he is wrong I mean really if three (four you included) tell him he is doing something wrong then he is clearly not in the right is he. Yet he seems to think it is not him.
Maybe it is not just you that is suffering from depression.

You are trying to do the right thing but really it is killing you That means it cannot be right for you. For your own safety leave. What he is doing to you is called emotional abuse There is no other way to say it.
For your own safety and sanity leave No love is worth your life

Answer 7

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Answer 8

Okay. Your husband's attitude and the way he treats you is only adding to your depression. This is not good. There's nothing wrong with YOU. You are a very bright and successful woman and one of the only people who can articulate and spell here in the Yahoo Answers...
You are not going to be able to change your husband. So it's best to stop trying. Otherwise, you'll make yourself crazy. The only thing you can do is change your own behavior. Someone said, "Think of it as a cute little bear cub by the side of the road. You could TRY to change his behavior and tame his behavior but no matter how sweet he seems or how nice you think he'd look in your house, he's just going to poop everywhere and make off with all your pic a nic baskets."
Your husband doesn't like the counselors you saw because they weren't taking his side. Further solitifying that he's unwilling to change. That said, you are the one who's going to have to make a change or else leave him. No one deserves that sort of treatment. I realize that you have an emotional investment, and probably alot more invested in this relationship but it's not worth your self esteem or the daily stress you have to endure. I was married to one of those men for 5 years and nothing I ever did worked. He was never happy or happy with me, tore me down, etc., because he wasn't happy within himself.
Your husband may also be under extreme stress because he cares for you and is consumed with your depression, just as you are. He's going through it right along with you. He worries about you. But instead of having a productive outlet for his frustrations, he's taking them all out on you. Again, no one deserves this. Stay in therapy and your medication, whatever works. It's a rollercoaster; I know because my younger brother suffers from medically-induced depression. And it's no walk in the park for anyone, including him. You seem to have alot to give from what you described. I know that with depression, you sometimes are able to work wonders to help others and are sometimes at a loss to help yourself. My heart goes out to you. I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 9

Guess it's time to ask your husband what he wants and needs? Perhaps the thought that he might lose you would cause him to do the things he did to get you.
Obviously you are a smart woman and know what you need to do to function, realizing life is ups and downs. People that have never been depressed, never been able to drag themselves out of bed or did but to the couch etc. have no clue the difficulties you face. You can't just simply splash water on your face and all is good. We all need emotional support, we all make bad decisions, we all believe we have the answers, the key is learning from it, communicating and supporting each other. After all shouldn't we want to help the ones closest to us.

Answer 10

Try to not love get in you way of being your self. I gave in to my wife for 35 years and she was never was satisfied that I was doing my part till she left me.. You have to hold on to what you feel is right for you. If you are not your self, you will feel that thing are not right and you will get depressed. The 50%-50% give and take will never work because their 50% will never meet your 50% in the middle. I laugh and say it should be 25% take and 75% give on both parts will mean tha you will get back part of what you have given and come up with more than 50% in the end. I hope that this helps you put things right for you!