Is it a lack of confidence?

Question

I have been in a relationship with my husband for 12 years, and I found out for the first time that he cheated on me 8 months ago, he's been online trying to date other women, even though he sais it was just a game. He said that he will never cheat again, but I need facts now. I can't just believe in his words. So I checked his phone bills 2 days ago, and found some late night calls, one of them 72 mins at 11PM. So I just called the girl . They were just friends. He said it is a lack of confidence, self- esteem and trust. I had all that and it did not stop him from cheating. I guess that it has nothing to do. A check from time to time, should not hurt him. I just do not want to play the fool. Any advice?

Answer 1

I know I don't have nearly as much expierence as you do, but I have this obsessive voice in head, kind of like fear, that makes me think sometimes my everything may be doing something other then he says he is. At the end of the day though we make sure to have a conversation, nothing big, just something to where the both of us know that there's nothing to worry about. We didn't set this up intentionally, it just became apart of our rutine at night. One day he just started talking about everything he'd done that day and I started talking about everything I did. Every phone call, every run in, basically anything we did comes up. Sometimes we'll talk for hours, others maybe 20 mins. The point is that if he tells you without you asking he doesn't have anything to hide, but if you have to go digging, someone had to be the one to cover it up. Just today I told him about me flirting with some guys in the mall, and yesterday he told me about some woman at work touching his butt. It's all just a little joke if we tell eachother because we know it doesn't mean anything. And no offense but at 11 PM the only phone calls we make are eaither A) to eachother Or B) around eachother. There's no point in making a relationship harder to keep together then it should be. And you're right a check from time to time shouldn't hurt him if he hasn't been doing anything. If he's that worried that he'd blame it on your "lack of confidence, self- esteem and trust", then he doesn't have too much confidence in explaining what you might find.

Answer 2

If he has cheated once, than it is likely that it will happen again. If you continue to play detective, you should do it with stealth and not tell him what you're doing. Letting him in on it will only drive him away and help him evade detection better next time.

You had enough confidence and self-esteem to confront him with this, and as for your trust in him it sounds like he probably doesn't deserve it at this point. Obviously you can't stop him from doing what he wants, but let him know he isn't going to get away with it again.

The girl's claim that she is "only a friend" is likely false. People say "love is blind" and it's true. There's no point in good detective work if you're going to be blind to the facts.
Don't worry about invading his privacy, but DO worry about what you're going to do if his shenanigans don't stop. Remember that actions speak louder than words.

It's possible that he's just lonely or bored with the home routine. Maybe you should try going out together more, and plan outings you can both look forward to. He might just need to make a new friend or do something new.

When you go out, try sitting at the bar instead of at a table on your own. Let him talk to other people without being made to feel self-conscious. Perhaps he felt the online dating site was the only way to talk to someone new.

Lastly, remember he married YOU for a reason and the fact you've lasted this long is no accident. Good luck.

Answer 3

So you're married to a cheater.

Here's the thing. You'll always be watching him from here on out. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life playing the police surveillance officer?

Sorry, "lack of confidence" is no excuse. The guy is confident and capable of finding and bedding other women, all while keeping it on the down-low.

You need to figure out *why* he cheated. As a guy, I'd say he might feel his needs aren't being met. Or, he may have fallen out of love with you. What is your day-to-day relationship like? Are you close? Do you act like lovers together when you're out in public? Is your sex life solid?

Have YOU ever cheated, and does he know?

At any rate, if you can put up with the fact that he might cheat occasionally, and your relationship is still friendly, just let it go. At least you're free to have a little fun yourself. If you give him permission to cheat and announce your intention to do the same from time to time, he might change his tune in a hurry.

Answer 4

you can keep checking...but if you cant stop him from doing it again it wont make you feel any better to find yet another other woman (i know this, i had similar troubles in my own relationship)
this does not create a happy relationship, your checking his emails compulsively and wondering everytime he goes to work or runs an errand what he's really doing...there's no trust

but the heart of the problem is why he's doing it, you need to work together to solve that.
people in a happy relationship do not cheat, so you should work together over the problems that are making you unhappy. think back to when you were first married, what made it a good relationship?

what matters most is that you sit down together and ask him whats wrong and what he wants to do and at the same time put out whatever problems your having too. (this worked for me and and rekindled our relationship...im not saying that the relationship is exactly as it's getting better and we take it one step at a time with a deeper more meaningful relationship)

good luck :)

Answer 5

It is very difficult to get the trust back once you lose it. You need to ask yourself is it worth working out? Can you let it go?Because if you can't then it will never work. In my relationships once I have found out he cheated he would always do it again. You probably had all the confidence in the world but now you may doubt yourself. But you shouldn't. There are men out there that don't believe in cheating (very few) but there are some. Good Luck to you.

Answer 6

Your question is so ridiculous that it made me laugh. President Obama lacking in confidence! That is a good one. He became a lawyer, then a Senator and now President of the United States. Somebody with no confidence does not have confidence in himself for one and this President certainly has the strength and fortitude that has not existed in many other Presidents past. He is honest and will speak his mind, that is confidence. He is not taking notice of the negative, ridiculous suggestions made against him, that is confidence. When he speaks it is his strength that comes across, that is confidence. I could go on and on, but why waste my time. For one thing I have to stop these hic cups. I have been giggling at this question for the past ten minutes and I have to hold my breath and say to myself "This too shall pass" - meaning President Obama will continue on as a very strong President whom the MAJORITY of Americans stand behind. Now that is confidence.

Answer 7

All I can say is monitor the cell phone bills, and maybe get that tracker put on the cell to see where he is physically on a website. This is usually done with kids' cell phones.
Put a block on the on-line dating sites he is using.
If you have suspicions you need to get some kind of confirmation either way... other than from him.
Maybe hire a Private Investigator.
At some point, you may decide to call his bluff and ask for a divorce. If he is all that lacking in confidence, he will beg for couples counseling.

You should probably start collecting financial records now in case of a divorce.

Answer 8

I don't think it is lack of confidence. I think he is just making a PLAIN out excuse for cheating on you. You are entitled to checking his phone bills and e-mails because he has lost all trust with you. Don't let him sweet talk you out of it by making up reasons.

I think you need to put the scare into him and let him know if it continues then you guys are getting divorced. If it was for self-esteem issues, wouldn't you think he would come to his wife of 12 years for advice? It all just doesn't add up. Look into a marriage counselor.

Good luck, hunny. :]

Answer 9

my advice is this: u can't control another person. if he wants to cheat on u he will, it doesn't matter whether u control him or not. and it doesn't matter whether she is "just a friend" or not. do u talk with your friends for 72 min at 11 pm? it is out of question for me - all my friends are with their families and i wouldn't disturb them. i would call only to my man if he were on a trip. cos this is personal time, and to bother a person at this time requires personal relationships. so it is bull s''h'i't' that they re just friends. he is playing u fool. but if he wants to cheat on u there re only 2 ways for u - either close your eyes on it and not to check him (u will be left fool anyway) or dump him. if a he wants to fool u he will

Answer 10

you need to tell the girl that she's hurting your relationship with your man and demand that she stops doing it...what your man is doing is deemed unfaithful in the context of marriage and it doesn't lead to confidence, self-esteem and trust like what your man said...tell him that if he wants you to have all these qualities, he should help to instill them in you by proving himself to be a trustworthy man...find something to do together with him that will distract him from calling the girl...