Getting married, living together, having second thoughts... Help!?

Question

My fiance and I have been together for four years. We moved in together after two years of dating. We've lived together ever since. I asked her to marry me last year.

We've been through a move and have both changed careers in the time we've been together. This has been a huge strain.

We're pretty dysfunctional in the bedroom. She's never been a fiery one but we go weeks (sometimes months) at a time without getting busy, and she never initiates it.

We're both way too critical and stubborn with each other. We both acknowledge this, but we can't seem to stop poking away at each other. The sound of her voice really grates on me sometimes.

Our musical tastes are different. She is VERY picky about her food. She yo-yo diets, gains weight over time and takes it out on me.

When I asked her to marry me, our relationship became all about the wedding. She AVOIDS working through our issues with me, preferring to focus on her grand plans.

I've tried to fix this. Suggestions?

To clarify:

- I have tried to discuss this with her on multiple occasions. She gets really upset and can't really have a conversation about it.

- I do love her, and the point of this exercise is to look for a solution. Though 1000 characters isn't enough to describe them all, there are a huge number of reasons.

- I am looking for a way to help her see that I'm on her side, and WANT to get married. Saying so doesn't seem to help. The thing is, she always takes things as dramatically as humanly possible. I'm tired of tears and silence.

- The jerk in the first answer needs to be smacked. Bloody right-wingers anyway. :) I'm asking for help, not judgement.

Answer 1

Couples therapy...If you can't work it out on your own, have a professional do it. If nobody else can fix it, then it is time to rethink your relationship. If you cannot get along....there are over 6 billion people who exist in this world. SOMEONE has to be right for you....not perfect, but right

Answer 2

www.marriagebuilders.com

This is designed to be used by and for married folk. The information is good though if you are serious about getting married. You have been getting the milk and you haven't bought the cow - now that it's getting old you want to back out of the purchase agreement and give it back because it's having some challenges - so not fair.

The issues that you are having were going to come up. Contrary to popular belief, living together is not the solution to see if marriage will work. Living together is just going through the married motions without the commitment. The question for both of you is whether or not you sincerely believe that you want to be life partners (now and not 10 years from now) who are going to be committed to helping each other and enjoying life together - regardless of the imperfections, ups, downs, good times, bad, etc. You all need to sincerely talk so that you don't have unrealistic expectations for each other.
The word marriage is not a jinx. If you can live together this long you could have been married by now. I suggest you all seek council, but in the meanwhile - check out the website and read the book Love Busters or His Needs, Her Needs - excellent resources to help you understand relationship dynanmics. TRUST ME - there is nothing else like it and it will change the way you view your relationship forever.

Answer 3

Oh man. It probably would've been best to not move in before getting married (I know it sounds medieval, but you or her may get bored of the other) This sounds a bit far down the road to fix (Well, for me to give you advice, someone else might be able to help better) Distance makes the heart grow fonder...But I'm not so sure that finding a convenient excuse to leave for a while without looking like an affair may be hard to come by.

Now despite the little bits and nits, you still really love her, don't you? Just because she eats differently from you, or prefers a band you despise, doesn't mean that your love life is over.

Perhaps trying to help with wedding plans may shock her, even intrigue her, and you two may find a connection.

Answer 4

WOW, dude, go hire yourself a movie called The Last Kiss, right now. Decide which character best describes your situation and then figure out if you are being a coward, jerk or if you really need to re-evaluate your relationship. By the way, if you are ready for marriage then why are you having this convasation with strangers and not with your fiance'?Please be a man and at least let her know what is going on in your head because she probably has some concerns herself. Maybe you two should try loving and appreciating each other instead of competing and going down two different paths. Talking is your best solution.

Answer 5

I am a married woman for almost 2 years now...trust me when I tell you, DO NOT GET MARRIED UNLESS YOU ARE SURE! As human beings, we tend to try to make things work that really arent meant to work. Have you talked to her about your feelings? Nothing can work between you two until you start communicating. I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but going into a marriage with a person who is not willing to work through your issues is not the best idea. Communication is key when it comes to marriage...You should really talk to her and let her know there wont be any grand plans unless she is willing to communicate. This may sound harsh, but trust me you dont want to be in a marriage where there is no communication...its a very miserable life...Look at the big picture...

Answer 6

You have had arguments in the past that you have been able to work through. What makes you think you can't work through all of these things too? Every person has their annoying habits. It's impossible to find someone that you get along with 100%. At least ask yourself this question: has your life improved after meeting her? If so, you have all reason to get married. I think after 4 years, if you break it off, you might feel an empty space in life. You've gotten so used to her.
But I'd like you to consider another thing: your family. Many people want to marry for themselves but what about your parents, your siblings? They are part of your family too, and marriage is about getting along with everyone. You don't want her to annoy the heck out of your aging parents. If you think the rest of your family will enjoy a better quality life with her to take care of you, then you have all reason to get married.

Answer 7

Well ask yourself first. If u do love her the way she is. Or if u can stand the situition of your reletion right now. Before u get married. And ask her what she really felt for u. And give her time to think. And give her some ideas what u want in your reletion. And tell her what u miss or u two both miss. Marriage is not the end of your problem. Marriage is the biggining for u to make your reletionship to get stronger not to make it weaker. U need to talk to her and disscuss what u notice so she will know whats in your mind. Remember your fiance cant read whats in your mind.

Answer 8

I was in a very similar situation. I had to leave, in the end it would have been dishonest of me to marry. I think that living together for an extended period of time is a good way to find out if two people are compatible. Once that is figured out, then it is important to follow through with what has to be done, no matter what that is.

Answer 9

You realize that a wedding ring isn't going to change any of this. Try to list the reasons why you love her and wanted to marry her in the first place. And go to couples' counseling before the wedding. Insist that you don't get married without it. These issues must be worked out before you make a mistake.

Answer 10

well u definitely need some help on this, amybe if you stop looking at each other negatives & try to rekindle the relationship....i mean come on what first sparked this relationship? Some one bring back the light....its too dark to see ..... light some fire i mean in a good way find ou want made the two of u click and go from there

best of luck