We have been married 12 years. Have a 4 year old. My sex life would not exsist any more if I did not "harass" my wife to have relations. I do not remember the last time she made an effort to jump me or even surprise me by wearing lingere...so as a result I tend to be agressive. What do I do to constitue harassment? Well I grab her here and there and try to get close with her...feel like that is the only way I can cajole her. What the heck is going on with her? She always says she is tired but will stay up watching TV until 11 or so and then I AM too tired to enjoy it. Do I repulse her? Is she out of love?
I recently met another woman and have had sex with her and now do not know wtf I am doing...am having feelings for the other woman but probably because she pays attention to me and we have fun together. Please help. I am almost to the point of running away with the circus...ie divorce...but have the kiddo and a new house. I am miserable...please don't judge me...just help. Thanks.
2007-09-27 14:10:01 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Ok ok...the "other woman" is also married and in a basically sexless marriage...so no STD action there. I HAVE tried with my wife to kiss her while she is making dinner or for no reason at all...but I just get a cold shoulder a lot. No sparks...nada. I think I am falling out of love with her and I feel like I have been trying to tell her that too. Also she is wanting to have another kiddo but I don't feel we can do that financially but think she is going to press the issue. Should I prepare to walk or what? I am so freaked out...seriously not as big an asswhole as it sounds like but just not feeling appreciated or loved back. Own my own business and work almost every day...she just wants to go out and have fun while I am left here working. Sorry but just need an outside POV.
2007-09-27 14:24:59 · update #1
I CONSTATNLY tell my wife she is beautiful but she just says "I'm fat and gross"...we are both overweight but I honestly find her very sexy. Sure I did the wrong thing by stepping out but now am confused on WTF to do. The other woman and I have been together for sex first and then we have had some very good nonsexual meetings (ie lunch in the park) and have been talking about our lives etc. She has been married 4.5 years... I know if I file for divorce, the other woman has to dissappear during the process if I have any hope of being able to see my kiddo again. Yes the kiddo situation is wearing on me and stressing about loosing her. Also feel like what if I leave my wife and get married to the other woman...what kind of precedent have we set by being cheaters when we got together. UGH! I am so messed up in the head right now...
2007-09-27 14:45:49 · update #2
Is it the thing to do...if your partner wont have sex with you then jump in bed with someone else? You should be totally ashamed. But not to worry...maybe she is having sex or another relationship with someone else and that's why she doesn't want it with you. Maybe you'll get the new one pregnant or bring home an std or something...or maybe your wife will.... Good luck with that.
2007-09-27 14:15:11 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 4⤋
Ok I'm not judging you and you have every right to feel neglected sexually but cheating is not the answer.
Cheating on your wife may get you the sex gratification you need but it will never get you what you wanted in the first place attention and sex from your wife. As you are aware it will also destroy your marriage so "really" think about the long term "consequences" of your actions. You say you have a 4 yr old. I don't know if your wife also works out of the home but a 4 yr old can drain a lot of your energy. If she is working out of the home as well she has two full time jobs. I don't know how old your wife is but hormones play a serious and dramatic role in both women and men but especially in women after childbirth and naturally as a woman ages her progesterone levels drop which can cause lack of sexual interest. I don't think you repulse her I think she stays up and watches tv just to relax a little and have some time to herself. Although she is not giving you sex she may feel like she is giving and giving in every other way and doesn't feel like she is getting much in return and or feeling appreciated. First I would sit down and communicate with her. Ask her the same questions you have asked here. Second I would have her to see a "natural" and "safe" hormone doctor who will test and evaluate her and her health. DO NOT have her go to a regular physician or her gynecologist who will only prescribe her more medication on top of "synthetic" birth control. If she is already taking birth control that could also be playing a role in her sex drive. Chemical medications only temporarily bandage the "symptoms" they do not fix the problem.
She could also have hyperthyroidism (low thyroid function) which affects the hormones and causes many symptoms. The link below could be vital to her health which in turn could save your marriage.
I don't know where you are located but they can help her even if you live elsewhere. They have an online test where she can answer questions to find out if she could possibly have a hormonal imbalance. If she does then she can take "natural" hormones and vitamins to restore her energy and sexual drive and if she doesn't have a hormonal imbalance and you have talked but yet there has still been no change I recommend marriage counseling.
Best of luck!
2007-09-27 14:56:07 · answer #2 · answered by maryv2013 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to have a heart to heart talk with your wife. I am a woman, and the "too tired" line, is one that women use when they do not want to have sex with a particular man. Unfortunately, marriage is tough and one needs to work on keeping the passion going and not fall into a routine. Instead of forcing your wife to make love or have sex with you, try taking her out to a nice dinner, bring flowers and try for her to fall in love again. It is not a matter that you are repulsive, it is a matter that she probably has taken you for granted, gotten too comfortable, and this is how many women lose their husbands. I know that you have a little one, but if after trying and talking over, the situation does not change, some times it is best to part. You do not want your child to be raised in a home where there is no love and see the parents angry and fighting with each other. My best advice is that you need to have a very good talk with your wife and tell her the way you feel. For the moment, don't even dare tell her about the other woman. Believe me, I neither blame you, nor judge you. However, having a side fling is not the answer.
2007-09-27 14:26:18 · answer #3 · answered by Bea 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Not going to judge you, and ignore the people that do. We're all human and we all deal with this at some point or another.
If I were you I would talk to your wife and tell her either you both be open and honest about your intimacy problem or you're leaving. If you really want to save your marriage, seek counselling together. If you need to, separate from one another so that you can have time to yourselves to reflect, instead of constantly being near each other which could confuse the both of you and stress you out emotionally, especially if you've been fighting.
Leave the other woman out of it, because it'll turn into a custody war. In fact just to be safe I'd break it off with her and stay away from her entirely. Just because of the kiddo it's a whole new ballpark. If you still want to be part of your child's life you need to end contact with her.
However, just to clarify, when a woman says no, that means NO. I know it sucks not getting any, but don't be aggressive. Just confront her and tell her how you truly feel.
And one last thought....your child is the most important person in your life. Don't think about you. Don't think about the other girl. Don't think about your wife for a second. What is best for your baby?
2007-09-27 14:21:30 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
This is a little complicate question but I will do my best.
First,you cheated on your Wife, that was wrong. You must ask your Wife for forgiveness out of senerity from your heart and then Never do it again. Trust has been broken and it will take some time to get it back again, it does not happen over night. It will not be easy, but it is not impossible either. Just takes Time. Second, your Wife should not withhold sex from you, that is wrong and any smart woman should know better.
(but some do not know bless there heart). Try to repair your marriage, and do whatever it takes to get it back healthy again. It will take both of you to do this. Thirdly, sounds like your Wife had some issues with. Normal, good hearted women will not withhold sex for no reason. Can you think of what some of the reasons may have been going on with her?
As a man, Husband you need Respect from her. As a woman, Wife she needs Love from you. I am not saying she was right, I am saying there had to be reasons. You know, this may shock you but the more loving, understanding, caring,responsive, (touching) in a non sexual way you are to her, the more responsive she will be to you sexually. I hope this helped you. It is all true. Best luck, God bless you both and i will say a prayer for your marriage. You can do it!!!!!!
2007-09-27 15:07:42 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Bring her a fresh bouquet of flowers every day for a week. Always be showered and nice smelling (not like you poured it all over yourself). Wake up earlier than her and make breakfast. Do the housework. Spend more time at home instead of park meetings with the "other woman". Give it a try for at least a week, ignoring all the cold shoulders. During this time, don't ask her for anything (namely, sex) in return. Then the next week, give her back massages, rub her feet and ankles while they rest on your lap. Ignore her complaints, don't give up. And don't demand any sex. THEN see what happens. I'm sure she will start to feel more sexy. Also, lots of women who have poor body image will be disgusted with themselves and can't imagine anyone loving their "ugly" body. Maybe she feels like you just need her for sexual release, rather than actually desiring her, as a person.
Just thought of something else....if she is very overweight, she may have messed up hormones, which in turn can mess up libido. But I'd check that as a last resort. Try other stuff first. Oh, and by "ignore" I mean don't get all upset when she complains. Just be persistent.
2007-09-27 19:09:37 · answer #6 · answered by Linni 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Have you told your wife how bad it bothers you concerning your sex life? If you havn't you might want to sit her down for a long talk. But cheating is the wrong answer to any of this. And the feelings that you are xperiencing for this other woman are only sexual. I dont know why we women cant come off it sometimes...and men dont take too well to going without. Perhaps your wife is depressed. That can cause a decrease in sex drive, or maybe she just doesn't feel sexy anymore. Try making her feel that way, go out ona hot date like you did back in the good ol days. Hire a sitter or leave the kid with granny for a night, seduce her like there is no tomorrow. Couples tend to get stuck in that "comfortable rut". Now you have to find a way to dig out of it, both of you, not just one. I'm sure you're not the same fellor either, people change. But you can change it back, it's not impossible.
2007-09-27 14:28:17 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The same thing happened to me and my husband. Our stories are exact. I never wanted sex, he wanted it all the time. He found someone else who would give it to him.
Please, and I am speaking from experience, tell your wife how bad it is for you. Leave out the part of the other woman. Dont hurt her with the whole truth. But let the other woman go so you can clear your head. with 2 women in the equation, you will never have a clear head. Just go to your wife and tell her how badly you need her, how you want her. tell her that it is HER you want, but you are only human and your afraid you could make a terrible mistake. make her see how her disinterest in you is affecting you. Ask her if she is happy? Ask her if she still desires you. Do anything to get her to see the light. I wish my husband had done that, but instead he chose the easy way out and broke my heart. Make her see how important sex is in a healthy marriage. Sex is that special time for just the two of you to connect.
I dont know what to say. I wish I was there with your wife to tell her and get her to see what she is throwing away cuz she is just too tired or taking you for granted. I did the same thing with my husband. I guess I thought sex wasnt important, and boy was I wrong. You simply have to talk to her. Be blunt, tell her you need her, you miss her, dont sound selfish and make it all about your needs. If she asks you if you have cheated yet, tell her no, IF there is no chance she will ever find out, but you have got to drop this other woman.
I wish you luck.
2007-09-27 14:47:27 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Have you tried romancing her? Get a babysitter or send the babe to the families for the weekend. Take her to a spa, get her a massage, pedicure and a manicure; heck enjoy the same with her. Take her to dinner, wine and dine.
Staying up late watching t.v. may just be her way of unwinding. I do the same...but the time I get my babe fed, bathed, spend quality time together, bottle and down for the night. Then get everything ready for tomorrow it takes me a while to calm down and I do so by watching t.v. The nights daddy visits, I don't go down til 12 or 1 only to get back up @ 5:30 a.m. It is a considerable more amount of work the nights he stays over. I do all the same things except I cook bigger dinners then have to clean that, then he wants some booty and I'm back up again and it takes a little longer to get back into sleep mode.
Also how is the sex for her? NOT YOU, but for her. Is she getting hers or just going through the motions to get you to hurry up and get yours so she can relax? Is it worth her efforts?
You need to take a look at her and her life in a day. Have you tried doing it? Its exhausting raising a child (not because its hard work but because your time isn't your own) even more so if you work too.
And I have to agree, it is possible to "rape" your wife. Her body is not YOURS to do with what you want. And it isn't her "wifely duty". That sort of mindset could land your @ss in jail and you'll never see your child again. If you had a daughter would you want her husband thinking that of her? Sex with the person you love should be consentual, tender, loving even if it has a little bit of rough play, its still about two people connecting as one and sharing a bond.
2007-09-27 14:24:03 · answer #9 · answered by gypsy g 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Jumping into bed wasn't the greatest idea, but okay.. moving on from that...
I feel similar to your wife when she says she feels harassed.
These are things my husband does that make me feel that way.
When we are in bed, he will cuddl eup behind me which I like, but then he'll push his erection into me, and I really don't need that when we're cuddling and going to sleep.
Also, when he would lay in bed for an hour, and pretend to sleep just to see if I would go use the bathroom right next door and then make me feel guilty into coming into the room to have sex.
He would try to touch me in places that I said I didn't want to be touched, and he would stop for a little while and then do it again, and then I learned not to trust what he would do. So even when he was trying to be nice and show affection, it would turn me off.
I told him to let me come to him, which may take a couple months, because that way he will know that I am reaching out to him and that it is okay to do some things together intimately. He has to realize that his method isn't working, pushing the issue isn't working, and that patience is key.
Although, who knows if things will work out you know?
Hope this strikes a chord in some way. Maybe she needs a little fun on the town with you? I know I need some fun.
2007-09-27 14:31:35 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Wow... sorry, but having sex with someone else is wrong. I understand your wife isn't giving you much attention, but you need to stop doing another woman or divorce your wife before you do anything else. What does marriage mean to you?
anyways, a book my fiance and I had to read - "The Five Love Languages"- by Gary Chapman. I suggest you and your wife read this. IT will help you out a LOT. As it has helped us for our soon-to-be marriage. Your wife's love language could be something different than yours- yours is prob physical touch from what you said here. Her's might be quality time. Therefore, in order for her to go out of her way to please you, you might need to spend some quality time with her. You also need to talk to her about your feelings. Read this book-it's not too long, and great and just might save your marriage. But in the mean time, stop having sex with other ladies. It's not fair to your wife. You married her, stick to your vows!
2007-09-27 14:18:51 · answer #11 · answered by m930 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋