I'm the 'other woman'.?

Question

I recently posted a question about falling for my tattoo artist.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Aki70FNwMCuQpCXUcLX9hp3sy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20070925185526AAIXPKx

Well I took some of your advice and told him that he had to try and fix things with his wife, and if he couldnt then to leave her.
I don't want to be a home wrecker, and I realized that so I'm trying to fix what has happened.

Well, today he left his wife. I wasn't expecting it. I was hoping he would stay and try to fix his marriage. He wants to file for divorce tomorrow. But I don't want to break there family apart.

When he told me he left her, I called her to see how she was holding up. She didnt even care. She said she was happy he did it.
I feel bad for this happening. I told her about me and him, and she said that she wasnt angry with me only because there relationship has been over for along time, they have just decided to do something.

I want to be with him, but I feel bad. What should I do?

I wasn't his girlfriend. I never had sex with him. We liked eachother, and flirted. Ever since I've known him his marriage has been on the rocks.

I'm not 'seeing' him right now. I ended it so he could fix things, and they choose not to.

I don't think some of you understand what I am saying. He came on to me, I wasnt chasing after a married man.

I didnt want to pursue anything big until he knew what he wanted, and picked one or the other. I told him he should try to fix things before he lefted her.

I don't plan on seeing him until the divorce is final, anyways.

Answer 1

The damage is done...what can you do about it after giving some solid advice to work on the marriage. They made the choice.
Obviously his wife doesn't care and I assume you must be or were a girlfriend of hers. Best answer is what do you want to do about it now? Proceed or leave.....

Answer 2

First, remain single. Until he has taken the time (used it, not just had it) to examine what he did to contribute to the failure of his marriage, he hasn't done what's necessary to prevent them from happening again. Also, you didn't mention whether or not he had children. If he does, that's something else he needs to step up and take care of before he can even begin to start a relationship with you.

I understand that you wrote that legally you're of age where you are, but I suspect you might be wrong. Regardless, you also have some things to figure out before you can embark on an adult relationship.

You did the right thing by being honest with his wife, and you did the right thing by passing on the opportunity to participate in adultery. FYI, the person someone commits adultery with is breaking the law in every state. The only things that change from one to the other are enforcement and penalties. In Wisconsin, it can land the person up to a year in jail or a fine not exceeding $1,000. Yup. You did good, and I'd like to think it's because you didn't want to demean yourself and harm another human being, not because a politician made a law.

However, you needed someone else to help you make the decision. A girl needs help making major decisions; a woman makes them on her own and faces the consequences with her chin up. You aren't ready to take on a man who, if you and he had a child this year, would be 55 when your child went to college while you would only be 35. You obviously haven't contemplated the idea that when you'd be done with children and ready to retire to have some fun at 55, he would be 75.

The thing is, you should haven't have to consider that now! That's the whole point of your age. Right now, you're supposed to finish high school, try to get a degree that gives you the freedom to sculpt your life how you wish where you wish, and dating to figure out exactly what you want from a partner. He's one of the earliest ones. Do you still drink the soda that you liked first? I'll bet you've tried a few things. Do you still listen to your first favorite cd? I think you've developed some new tastes since then.

Don't feel bad. He knows all the things I've just told you. He simply cares more about his own happiness than about your future. He ought to feel bad, but he clearly has a lot on his plate to figure out. Good luck, and happy hunting.

Answer 3

Do some thinking. Not just with your heart, but think seriously where you want to go with this man. Then to make sure do some talking to him. Also, do not make your mind totally up all at once. It may be that time will actually tell if it is right for the two of you. In today's world there are so many choices, don't feel bad about the marriage, it sounds like that was not totally all your fault. Just be cautious, that's always best in any situation.

Answer 4

For the moment you shouldn't have any contact with him in a way that could be construed as intimacy. It could be used against him in court by her attorney. You should also try to avoid being seen together in public a lot, because that could also be used against in him court. Have him talk to an attorney before things go any further either towards a divorce or a reconciliation.

You also need to make it clear that this is HIS decision, not yours. If you make this about you and what you've done (or not done), it may ruin any chance you have in a relationship with him because you could feel guilt.

I can imagine it is very difficult to keep any perspective on this. You might consider counseling yourself until things calm down. At the least, you could get some professional advice on how to handle your own feelings and reactions instead of relying on forum answering service.

Answer 5

Hmmm this is tough girl. I'm in your same situation, the only difference being that I'm several years older than you are. You're in for a lot of pain girl...... these divorce processes can be a real pain, very stressful for the relationship, time consuming and emotionally draining. Are you really sure you want to go through this at 17??? At my age I don't feel like I'm wasting my time because I've learned to be less emotionally attached to my partners and I know that when this starts hurting more than it is making me happy, I'll just walk away and won't turn my head back. But at your age it's too easy to confuse your emotions and get REALLY attached to the wrong person. This sounds too weird, him saying first that he had filed for divorce and she didn't want to sign the papers, and now that he is JUST going to file...??? What's the truth here??

If I were you I wouldn't feel guilty though, because even the wife already told you that the relationship was finished and it had nothing to do with you.... maybe you were just the last "push" he needed to do something he wanted to do but didn't dare to (mind you, this doesn't mean hi loves you, only that he found a reason to finally make up his mind). If the woman is happy about it, even better then. Don't feel guilty if you want to be with him BUT be prepared for what is coming, because it's not going to be easy. Women can be b!tches, and even though she apparently doesn't care, she might want to try to get revenge by taking as much $$$ as she can from him, delaying the process with stupid excuses, etc.... take it from someone who is there in this very moment. It's not easy.... you have to think if you want to get into so much trouble at such a young age. You're old enough to make your decision, but know in advance what you're getting into.... Good luck.

Answer 6

You did the right thing.

You told him that he should work it out and from there it was up to him. You left him alone.

You also talked with his wife, and she confirmed it for you that they were divrocing, and in fact she was finally glad it was over and it seems to me that she knew it was over a long time ago, I'm guessing before you and he were even an item.

I suppose if it were me, I would let his divorce go through and then see where he stands, but I don't know if I would want to spend time building a relationship with a guy who is just getting divorced, you know?

Answer 7

I had a similar situation in my case I told my darling (well at that time he wasnt) that I was too old for one nights stands (not that I was ever young enough for them either) and too bloody good to be his mistress, I also informed him that if his marriage broke then it needed too for thier reason not give an easy out and place blame on anyone external .... well he left and yes eventually we did hook up we are now engaged and have endured two years of life from hell as his nutter ex wife still chose to blame me as the reason for her marriage failing. We have been assailted both of us, had hate mail,death threats even threats made on family members so while in your case the wife says she dosent care great but if you chose to pursue this remember how you start out is how you mean to finish, as long as you are upfront and honest you will work through any obstacle and in our case we have a love so rarely found one based on trust respect, passion, fire the works wooohooooo good luck to you

Answer 8

You went over to see how she was doing??? And just happened to tell her about you and him????.......Did you pick her up and rub her nose in the dirt too, just for good measure???........What you should do is take a step back and examine your own behaviour. On the one hand you say you feel bad and wish he'd tried to repair his marriage...and in the next breath you're telling his wife he's already got another woman.....There's an old saying mydear..if he'll do it with you, he'll do it to you! Karma can be a cruel life coach......

Answer 9

As well you should. You know of course if he acted this way with his first wife what makes you think he will be faithful to you. You will never know about him and will probably never be happy with him because of it. You are just a kid you don't need to be saddled down with that much baggage at this point in your life.

Answer 10

Why on EARTH would you call his wife? You are so full of yourself. You had no right to call his wife. She "might" not be angry with you or him, doesn't matter what shape their marriage was in. She doesn't need YOU calling that is tacky...have you no class at all?