My husband and I have been married for 10 yrs and together for 12. We have two beautiful daughters (7 and 4). I learned a month ago that he's been having an affair with a woman from his work. He doesn't know I found out. Aside from the affair he's a great husband and father. I can't see myself throwing away 12 yrs and raising our daughters in a split home. I know he loves us. Am I wrong for accepting this?
2007-09-27 11:20:34 · 63 answers · asked by Melani G 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You maybe risking your future. He is possibly developing an emotional attachment to this other woman. He maybe telling the other woman of his love also and telling her whatever she needs to hear to keep her giving him what he wants. Most other women do think that the married man is going to leave the marriage for them eventually. There are a few who are content with just a part time lover and want nothing more, but they are the rare ones.
An affair doesn't have to mean divorce, but it should be a sign that there are problems. Even the best marriage has to face the responsibilities of real life, raising young children takes lots of time and energy from a couple. The problem maybe just within your husband. But, whatever it is, he is placing you and your family at risk. Possible STD's, even a jealous other woman who lashes out at the family. Also, you have the risk that he will decide to stay with the other woman and leave you. What are you going to do if the other woman becomes pregnant and demands more of his time and financial support! Sorry, but this stuff does happen.
I suggest that you confront your husband and let him know that you are aware. If you are willing to have an 'open marriage' with your husband, then at least end the deception. He is taking time and lots of energy from you and your children with his affair. It is also very stressful on the relationship to lead a secret second life.
But, are you so afraid of losing him that you will not stand up for your marriage and your family by making your own needs known? Your marriage can survive an affair and you both can build a stronger marriage, but ignore it, and you are just setting yourself up for him to have a series of affairs.
Your husband might also think that your lack of reaction means that you just don't care, you don't love him enough. Strange thoughts, rationalizations go through a wayward spouses head as they try to justify their actions.
I'm going to suggest some resources. Do some reading. There is hope that you can rebuild your marriage and protect it in the future. Consider getting a counselor certified in couples counseling.
Resources
A few good books:
"Not Just Friends" by S. Glass
“Surviving an affair” by Dr. W. Harley
“After the Affair” by Springs
A yahoo group that has many helpful articles and links in FILES. Not a good support board, not very active. But, loads of stuff in files. Simple to join.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AffairsTalk/
A few other helpful sites:
http://www.dearpeggy.com/
http://marriagebuilders.com/
http://betrayedspouse101.tripod.com/
http://www.beyondaffairs.com/
http://peterfox.com.au/index.html
A few good support forums for those dealing with infidelity. Lots of helpful people who have been through this trauma.
http://www.lifesaviors.com/SI/
http://survivinginfidelity.com/
An ebook written for the wayward spouse to help them understand what they need to do to rebuild from the damage they created:
http://www.aftertheaffair.net/
Some marriage weekend programs:
http://www.retrouvaille.org/
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi011_dates.html
2007-09-27 12:39:50 · answer #1 · answered by joyh 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Unfortunately, this is a question that only you can answer. Believe me...I've been in the exact same position. About a year ago I learned that my wife was having a sexual affair with a man she worked with. We had been married over 15 years with two beautiful children and I was devastated. I could not understand how some who supposedly love me so much could betray me so casually. In the end, I decided to make every effort to make our marriage work. If the marriage was to fail it would not because I failed to do something or not do something. So far I believe that our relationship has become stronger but I will still always carry a degree of suspicioun regarding her.
You should confront him regarding this. He will most likely deny it but you shouldn't leave him unchecked. My wife denied everything at first also...in the end she eventually admitted to what she had done. I believe that had she not done this our relationship would now be over. In the end you'll have to ask yourself...can you live with the lie or do you need to be able to move forward...one way or the other?
2007-09-27 11:33:55 · answer #2 · answered by Rance D 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
No I dont think you are wrong... The question is do you think you are wrong? First, I think you need to confront your husbad about his affair. Second, the two of you need to talk about it without yelling or accusing each other. Ask questions but dont ask questions that you really dont want to hear the answer. Finally, you need to take time to yourself and evalute your relationship. Is it worth fighting for? You should NEVER stay in a marriage for the kids... The children know what is going on and they know when thier parents dont love/ like each other. Staying can be worse then the divorce. Cheating does not have to end a relationship, in fact it can make it stronger if the two people choose it. You do however need to let your husband know that this behavior is NOT acceptable and you will not put up with it. I like the saying.... Cheat on me once, shame on you, cheat on me twice, shame on me. Do not accept it to the point that you let it continue, accept it and move on and away from it. Good luck to you!
2007-09-27 11:29:26 · answer #3 · answered by Melissa 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
There's no right or wrong when it comes to accepting an affair. Your reasons are your reasons, and as you've stated, you have a 12 year marriage and 2 kids. However, I do highly encourage you to confront your husband about the affair. You shouldn't allow him to live a double life under your roof, because if he's not being honest about this, what else is he keeping from you or what else would he keep from you.
I say, confront him, encourage him to come clean, have an honest adult conversation about your feelings, and honestly if your okay with it, then that's perfectly fine. At least you're not a victim. You've got your eyes wide open. And you've made a choice to stick with your marriage for your kids. Good Luck!
2007-09-27 11:28:58 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Life isn't ideal and all of us do matters that we're ashamed of, adultry being probably the most biggies on that record, however it does now not need to be a deal breaker. I consider what you prefer to do is dependent plenty on what it’s your middle; if it’s hatred, vengeance, punishment, mercy, gullibility or indifference. Perhaps this was once his first affair, maybe now not, however when you have a wish to place the wedding again in combination, allow him understand that he destroyed all of the believe you ever had in him and it’s now as much as him to rebuild it. That method for him to do not anything and I imply not anything that could invoke any suspicions for your facet. He has allot of labor to do and it’s as much as him. In time, years potentially, your religion in him will probably be restored, however it's going to take time. Forgivness does now not mechanically repair something, it simply says "do not do it once more" You have a main funding right here, don’t chuck it within the trash bin without a few attempt to revive it. Marriage is figure, and that is the kinda paintings all of us dread, however it in many instances turns into facet of a wedding. Good success, your marriage simply could come to be more potent after this, many have.
2016-09-05 09:59:12 · answer #5 · answered by rerucha 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Some people can recover after an affair and some can't. If you can live the rest of your life knowing you let him cheat on you and you did nothing about it, then I guess it's ok to stay. If he really loved you and the kids would he of cheated in the first place. Affairs affect the kids too, If I were you they would be the main part of my attention as they can't control what's going on. Whatever you decide it sounds like a little family thearapy is in order. Good luck
2007-09-27 11:27:34 · answer #6 · answered by flash 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This has to be very, very difficult for you. I went through the same thing. I knew she was cheating but she didn't know I knew. Eventually it will eat you up and you will be forced to address it. There are some decisions that you just have to sit down and decide... can I live with my decision or not. You already know how it makes you feel so you have to decide if you want to feel like your second fiddle or first. If you decide to confront him on this issue you take the chance that he will leave but that is already a possibility because most who cheat think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. I really feel for you because I've been there and know what you're going through. It's a very heartwrenching spot to be in. I wish you all the best Melani.
Whether you're right or wrong? ...who's to say. You will only realize some time in the future whether the decision you made is the correct one or not. I will only say this to you. Don't hang on to something that's not there. It's really not worth it. It will just cause you a lot of unnecessary grief that's not worth putting yourself through.
2007-09-27 11:47:19 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
You can do what you want with it. If you feel okay accepting it...go ahead. Personally, I couldn't. It would be too hard for me to live with him and pretend everything was fine, while allowing him to think I was so stupid that he could do something like that, and I would never know.
What happens when he 'breaks up' with this woman? Are you going to overlook the next affair he has? And the next? I'm not saying you should divorce. That decision is something you need to come to of your own accord, but if it were me...I'd take the kids to grandma's and confront him because obviously...you have a LOT to talk about.
2007-09-27 11:27:34 · answer #8 · answered by Lisa E 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I think that this comes from a woman with no self confidence or worth. It's obvious that your husband can't be as perfect as you paint him if he's having an affair. Did you really think that he was thinking of his children and his role as a husband when he was cheating on you? I think that you should by no means accept this and you need to pack his things and politely ask him to leave. I think that regardless of how long you have been with somone you cant sit at home and allow this to continue. I think that you need to realize that from wherever you found him you can find another there are many great men out there in the world probably looking for a wonderful woman such as yourself you just need to look for somone who can take care of you the way you should be taken care of. Dont accept this from your husband.!
2007-09-27 11:26:39 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 1⤋
It seems that you are afraid of your family falling apart and you're sacrificing yourself for it. The problem with keeping quiet is that you will suffer alone inside, and slowly grow to hate your husband. To go through this for the rest of your life is a very torturing process. You can either shy away from the problem or face it by talking with your husband. The future is always unknown. Keeping quiet may not turn out to be good in the future as well. Ultimately, it's up to you to decide.
2007-09-27 11:32:28 · answer #10 · answered by Roast Chicken 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋