Wife spent all my money while I was in Iraq?

Question

So I deployed to Iraq and my wife said she would take this opportunity to pay off bills and save money. Neither of which happend, She can not account for thousands of dollars. I would have monitored this but where I was at I didnt not have any way to get on the internet, but everytime I asked how we were doing finalcially she said, "We are doing soo good." So the first time I check my bank Im like WTF. Just dont know what to do, to me this is almost like cheatting on me, or the next worse thing that could have happened....I mean damn I am spending over a year of my life in Iraq getting shot at, blown up and watching my friends die or get injured...am I overreacting?

Answer 1

No, you are not overreacting and you have every right to be angry, going to war is not an easy task.

Now, if she can't account for thousands of dollars, then she seems to have a problem, maybe an adiction to alcohol or gambling or something. Even spending money, just shopping can become an adiction, and you being deployed might account for the adiction.

Answer 2

Well, it depends.

What is she spending the money on? Your kids (assuming you have some), does she go to school?

If she's spending money by maintaing the house, paying car payments and other bills - then you are over reacting. If she has a closet full of shoes, and new clothes - then no, you are not overreacting. You would have the right to be upset.

But as far as this being compared to being cheated on? I wouldn't go that far. She's spending money, not giving herself away with an affair. Money can be earned back, your self worth and respect is a lot harder to get back.

Have you tried talking to her? Finding out why and what she's doing? Communication is key - let her know how this makes you feel. Let her know that you want to trust her with your finances, and if she wants that trust, she needs to be honest and start accounting for where the money goes.

You being away and supporting our country - which by the way -THANK YOU - I support you 100% and pray that you come home soon! Anyway, with you away, and it's hard on you to be where you are - it's hard on her too (in different ways). I'm sure she's lonely, misses you and I bet she has her own struggles since you're gone. I know this is no excuse for spending all your savings, or possibly putting you in debt, but maybe she shops because she's bored. Maybe it makes her not think of you and how sad it is to be away from you. Like I said, it doesn't justify it, but I bet if you got down to the bottom of why she spent alot of money, you could fix it.

Rather than over-reacting (which is tough not to do) come up with a plan on how you both can work together to fix it. I'm sure once she sees how upset you are, she'll work hard to not to it again and earn your trust back.

Return home safe!

Answer 3

I agree with everyone else here. My husband is currently serving in Iraq and I take the responsibility he has given me over our finances very seriously. I paid off all of our debts and every extra penny from his and my paychecks is going into savings so that he can get a new truck when he gets back. He works so hard for his money, I figure he should get what he wants, so long as we're out of debt and investing regularly and planning effectively for our retirement. Marriage is till death do us part, so I need to also think about how we will be financially comfortable for our entire lives.
But it sounds like your wife did not put money towards bills, investments, and retirement savings. It sounds like she spent it, and you don't even know where. This is obviously a very common problem that I see in military families, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I know that you work so hard while you're deployed and your blood, sweat and tears goes into every paycheck, and to think that she lied to you and took all your money just makes me feel sick. I wish there was an easy way to rectify it. You are not overreacting. Question though is, are you still in Iraq or are you home yet?

If you are still in Iraq, then like one person already has intelligently suggested, change your allotments so that you do not continue to bankroll whatever it is that your wife is doing. I don't know if Army (I assume you're Army) also participates in the 10% savings account program, but if it does, you can put 100% of your unallotted income into that and watch your savings grow! She won't be able to touch that money while you're overseas. That's probably the quickest, easiest way to tie up your income where no one else can touch it. If you do need to provide some money to her, then only allocate 80%, for example, to the savings program. If you don't participate in the savings program, then find out if a parent or relative can open up a bank account with your name on it and then redirect your direct deposit to that account so your wife can't touch it. At least you'll start saving your $$$ for yourself and then make other important decisions later.

If you're already home, then obviously you have more options, like filing for separation, going to marriage counseling, etc. You will also have more opportunity to find out just what the heck she did with the money. It's always important to allow people to explain their actions, no matter how bad things look from a distance.

I truly empathize with your dilemma and wish you the best of luck! Remember, it's perfectly normal to be very angry about it, now the best thing to do is quickly find a solution to end her mystery shopping spree! Take care!

Answer 4

I don't think you're overreacting. You had your duties in Iraq and she had hers at home. Maybe she is dependant on you to control the finances, so when you left, she just disn't have the experience to manage it correctly. Did the car break down while you were gone? Can she account for ANY of it?
When my husband deployed, we both thought we'd have a lot more for his separation pay and the fact that he wasn't eating at home, etc. Unfortunately, a lot of things ended up happening like car maintenance and there was a hurricane that damaged some things. I kept him aprised of the situation so there was no surprise when he got back. Still, it's easy for that money to disappear (and I'm the one that manages all of our finances anyway). Maybe she was lonely and used it for entertainment like going to dinner or the movies a lot?

I'm so sorry you feel betrayed. The only thing I can suggest is to give her the benefit of the doubt and try and talk it out.

Thank you for putting your life on the line for the rest of us. God bless you, sir

Answer 5

No you are NOT over reacting. I have alot of females friends that just cannot manage money well. The thing to do is give her just enough to run on and you handle the bills. If not Credit Card Bills will start piling up and unpaid Household Bills.

Answer 6

You must be devastated, have you asked her what your hard earned chash has been spent on, I cant believe she can not account for it, ask your bank for a statement to see where the monies have gone.
I don't think you are overreacting, out there risking your life, to me it seems harsh for someone who should love you and worry about your safety in Iraq could do that.
Open another account and transfer enough to cover the bills and food for her, keep the rest until you can be together again and go out for a romantic meal.

Answer 7

No hun, you are not overreacting at all. Your wife has not been honest with you and she is certainly not honoring what you are doing in Iraq. Are you able to contact your bank and ask them to put stop payments on her expenses (such as clothes, etc).? She will of course need funds for housing, electric, and other utilities, but as badly as she has treated you - I would tell her to pay this out of her own earnings! She's ROBBING you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 8

Not Cool!!! My brother is leaving for his second term next week so I know how much you can get over there. What the hell did she spend it on?! Seriously, it was not her place to spend all of your seriously hard urned money on crap! Wow, that is totally being disrespectful and dishonest! I'm soooo sorry your having to go through this after you risk your life for a year for other people. I would be really angry, and wonder if she could be trusted.

Answer 9

no you have every right to be pissed. but also think that maybe she couldn't help it maybe she was depressed with being without you and having to worry about you so she used the money as a feel good drug to mask the pain and worrying. you need to sit down and talk to her and ask her where the money went and why she did this. if it was simply this than yall can work this out. try not to come at her with anger yes you were gone and dealing with something in iraq but she had to deal with this also.

Answer 10

You are not overreacting, she knows better she didn't care.You weren't there to monitor her and she seen her opportunity to party and do whatever else.She is irresponsible and you know she cannot handle finances. If you stay with her during future deployments, allow someone else you trust to monitor bills and your other business.