How do I deal with this situation?

Question

I have primary residential care of my son. He visits his Dad once a week and every other weekend. And whenever his Dad asks for more time. I want them to be close. My ex cheated and left for the other woman and moved in with her almost immediately. She is in my son's life and I have accepted that. However, last night my son told me that his Dad's girlfriend may start picking him up from school. I do not agree with this plan. My ex has to pick him up once a week. It gives him a chance to touch base with teachers, friends, make sure homework is being brought home, deal with any issues, etc. I think he should make the effort. It feels as if this is another parenting responsibility he is leaving to someone else. What happens if homework is not brought home or there is an issue to deal with? She cannot make parenting decisions which means I will have to deal with it the next day. My ex and I agreed we would handle the parenting of our son. Is picking kids up from school parenting?

There is no work related reason my ex cannot pick up his son. His workday ends with plenty of time left.

Answer 1

You should talk to your ex-husband and explain to him that the point of him seeing him during the week is to spend time with his son. Not leave the responsibility to someone else. He needs to spend quality time alone with his son and the car ride home may be the only time he can do that considering he and the gf live together.

Answer 2

I can give you the other side of this coin.

I am the girlfriend of the father of a 9 year old girl.

Honestly, I think that you mat be over-reacting and I think it goes way back.

This woman stole your ex away from you, right?
Now she wants to pick your son up from school, right?

Is it possible that you are seeing this as fear that she will become an important part of your son's life and he could one day leave too or that some of his love will leave you and go to her...which would be yet another thing that was taken from you by this woman?

Or that any additional time that the girlfriend and your son spend together is less time the son has you as the female figure in his life?

Be grateful that your ex has chosen someone that is willing to accept your son as a part of your ex's life. Things could be a lot worse. If it is his time with his son, I don't really see how you can try and regulate it. Even if you want that time to be for when they "bond", it's not your decision. He can bond whenever he wants to.

Best of luck to you. I told my man's ex a while ago that I would never, ever try to take her place with her daughter. My mother really wasn't around growing up and isn't now. That bond is too important and regardless that I have a step-mother, I still cry for the fact that my mother didn't want to be around.....I care about their daughter too much; I would never come between them. Your son will learn that over time. Nothing can ever replace a mother's love. So relax.

Answer 3

I cheated on my ex wife. I avoided involving my girlfriend in any activity concerning my son if I wasn't present. But you know what? It wasn't enough. I'm fairly certain that you're not going to be happy with any arrangement here. You didn't say that she was dangerous. You didn't mention abuse or neglect or even a fear of her bad driving. Do you really just want him to be a better parent or is it something else? I'm not saying that your irritation isn't justified. I'm only saying that we should see it for what it might be. You don't have to like her at all. Nobody would ask you to. But for your son's sake, don't start calling Dad the horrible parent because of a woman. We men fail and deal with our guilt and mistakes. If you want to claim superiority, get on that high moral ground and earn it. I don't know why he left. But if you couldn't control his actions then, do you think you'll fare better now. Let your son love his father. If she's a temporary thing, no problem. If she's permanent, what's the harm in another adult looking after your son's safety. She'll never replace you. Don't fear her.

Answer 4

Well, maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to let her see what you deal with. She is a part of his life (like you said) and his actions reflect just as much on her as they do on his father. Probably more so on you though because you have primary custody.
As long as any issues- good and bad- that arise at school get communicated back to you and his father it might be a good idea to allow her to pick him up. Just fill her in on what is important to know, talk to the teachers about, etc. Make sure she understands that it isn't just like babysitting she actually has to be involved.
If they are living together (your ex and his girlfriend) then she is basically a step mom without the paperwork, ya know? I'm not saying to hand her over all of the parenting responsibility but once a week- it wouldn't hurt to let her pick him up and be involved with school.

Answer 5

What reason does he give for having the who**, OHH sorry I mean girlfriend pick up your son? I agree that HE should do it himself, I mean, its once a week, Im sure he can do that. True, just picking the kid up is not considered parenting usually, BUT if it is your ex's ONLY chance during the week to actually be actively involved with the school, then here it is considered parenting. He needs to do it.

Answer 6

There are a few things here, how old is your son? You are basing your issue on 1)what a child said 2)something that "may" happen. Don't you think you should talk to your ex? Also, this doesn't seem like a big deal to me. You may need to still deal with issues of your own, maybe not. Just food for thought.

Answer 7

I go through the same thing and I hate it, my ex has put almost all the responsibilities on his new wife and she tries to step on my toes all the time. She acts like she is better than me and I am a bad mother because of all the things he has said about me. Put her in her place and put him in his place too, tell the school you dont want her picking him up and they will see to it that that doesnt happen. I on the other hand allow her to pick up my son only because she does a better job than his father.

Answer 8

I do not think it is a big issue for the girlfriend to pick up the child from school....if this is such a big issue for you, the child can walk if he lives close enough and if not...state law provides for bus transportation if not within the required mileage from the school....therefore, problem solved...

However, school should have taught your child way back in kindergarten and 1st grade to be responsible enough to bring home the homework. How old is the child anyway?

Answer 9

You can have an issue with this and you can even have a lawyer draw up paperwork stating DAD only but guess what, I have learned unless you have thousands of dollars to nip pick then in the end you have to walk away with your tail between your legs.
I have my own issues with my X, seems he lost his balls when he got married 7 yrs ago. To this day he does not follow the agreement, his wife is TOO involved.

Answer 10

Maybe he should be picking the child up, but I feel that your real reason for being upset is that you are jealous of the other woman and want to try to control your ex.

I do not feel that just picking up a child at school is tantamount to parenting. If so, we would have a lot of bus drivers with enormous extended families.