Problems in My Marriage?

Question

My husband and I have been married for almost seven months. Since we have been married we have had many, many problems. He has had a very large problem keeping a job, and I am unable to work because I am a college student. I know that he has difficulty finding a job due to the fact that he is the "babysitter" while I am at school for out six month old son. However, I believe that he could work an evening job somewhere, which I have done in the past.
We also have problems with our marriage because he feels as if it is my responsibility to do everything around the house. I don't feel like I should be responsible for everything since he works three hours five days a week. We want to work things out, however, we are not at this point sure that it is possible. He also spends more time with his friends than he does at home. What suggestions does anyone have about what we should do concerning our marriage? Only serious answers will be considered for the best answer.

FYI this is a new problem, he had had a really good job for about seven years making very decent money, we discussed what to do with the baby when it was born and it was time for me to go back to school and we decided on a church based day care, he quit his job a month after we got married and won't do anything anymore. And I am not trying to "make" him be babysitter, I just simply don't have another option considering we don't have any money, I am enrolled in fifteen hours of college (behavioral science) and the rest of the time I am mommy.

Answer 1

I would consult the pastor of my church for counselling. If you don't attend a church, look in the Yellow Pages for Christian Counselling. You & your husband can go together and receive good advice on how to work this problem out. It sounds to me like you are both mature people who are concerned about each other and your son, and you're trying very hard to work things out. Remember, you owe it to not only yourselves to seek help, but to your son as well. God bless!!

Answer 2

It sounds like you are having some major problems.
It's really hard to cope with all the stress that's in your marriage. You're in school full-time, he's taking care of your child and trying to work, which is very hard. Plus all the financial stress and a new born child all at the same time....that's a whole lot to handle in any marriage but very difficult in a new marriage.
You might need to change around your lifestyle and priorities.
What are you taking in college? Can you earn a decent living as soon as you graduate? Do you have only a couple of years left? What I'm trying to say is that if you have a practical degree which will ensure you a good job as soon as you graduate and if graduation is not that far away, then just plug away at school, take loans and get through it. They'll be a pay off at the end of school. And the thought of a better life with you in your profession after a couple of years, will provide you and your hubby with hope.
On the otherhand, if you have a useless major, like sociology or music, well then you really have to take a good hard look at what you are doing.
Maybe you should go part-time and take a full-time job.
He's probably spending time out of the house cause he's too stressed at home.
If I were you, I would try to get him to spend more time at home - more cooked meals, more intimate time together.
Stay away from stressful conversations.

Answer 3

Look...in an ideal world, all mariages should be 50/50. Not usually so, tho.

You both should help each other with household chores. It's no one's "job" to do any one thing in your home. Right now, with you in school and him not working full time, he could help more and spend less time with his buds.

You won't be in school forever. He won't be unemployed forever. If you both try hard enough, you can surely make this work if you truly want to.

It's a known fact, most women are better taskmasters than their male counterparts. I'm not picking on guys here...it just happens most often that way. Women juggle a job, school, kids, PTO, washing clothes, cleaning house, carpooling, meals, shopping, etc., while a lot of men do the 8 hours a day gig, come home, eat, park their fannies on the couch and call it a day. Meanwhile, wife is still doing what needs done to make tomorrow work. Puh-lease?????

Come on, fella. Step up to the plate. She doesn't wear your clothes but she washes them. She doesn't eat for you but she cooks & cleans up after you. You get the picture here, don't you?

Right now, college is your "job". He should get out there and beat the bushes until he either finds full time work, or he can find a 2nd job. I know a gal who worked 4 part time jobs at the same time, and raised her daughter by herself. You do what has to be done to make it work, no matter what your situation.

Your guy needs to accept his responsibilities and grow up. Or get off the horse and move on. Why do you need him at all if he won't do his share? Two can live cheaper than 3.

Sounds to me like you have 2 kids, not one.

Good luck!

Answer 4

My husband had problems keeping a job when we were first married too once he found a job he liked he was able to keep it. Once he gets a job you will be able to afford a babysitter so that will be resolved. In order for him to keep a job he needs to figure out what he likes and wants to do (within reason he can't be an astronaut) maybe he could go to college once your finished and get a degree to do what he really wants to. Your both probably young and maybe he just needs to grow up a little more haveing a baby and getting married so quickly is a big deal and can be stressful for men (even if they don't show it) You need to be there for him and supportive of him and NOT tell him he's a loser or not a good provider etc.. Tell him you want him to enjoy his job and that you want to help him. As for the house stuff set aside a few particular things for him to do (EX. take out trash, mow grass etc..) and you will just have to do the rest sorry sweetie that's unfortunately how it is there's no sense in makeing a big fight out of it that will only cause more stress. Lastly I encourage any and everyone to read the books Love and Respect and Cracking the Communication code both by Emmerson Eggrich. Good Luck and don't worry it will get better.

Answer 5

Wow! I'm so sorry to hear that this type of behavior has begun so early into your marraige. I've been married for 11 years now... and this type of situation began for us about 2 years ago. I'm still trying to figure out what to do. First thing I've learned from my experience is that men will take as much as you let them and more. Do not tolerate him not working AND expecting you to do all the household chores. Insist that he do at least one or the other. And by insist... I mean.... give him the ultimatum of "you take care of one or the other or this marraige is not going to work". You must be firm about it. But don't take that step until you are positive that you can stick behind it. If you threaten to end the marraige, he doesn't do what he's got to do, and you take him back.... well... he'll know he doesn't have to try to make this work and he'll always be this way. My personal issue is that I've not been able to get to the place where I could back up my threats of leaving so I haven't taken that step yet. Also, can you speak to his parents about these problems? If so, you may ask them to interviene for you and talk to him. They may be able to accomplish things with him that you can't yet. I know that my mother in law is a God's send when times are at there lowest. She really backs me up and really talks to him about things realistically with him when I've gotten to a place that I can't anymore with out being angry.
Another point I'd like to make is that LOVE (real... stay in your marraige love) is not that warm fuzzy feeling the first time you made love.... it's work, constant work. That kind of love is a verb. It's a choice you make. You have to decide if he is worth that kind of tedious, painful, hurtful, all giving, not selfish love. Even if he is not giving it back to you. And that is only a question you can answer for yourself.
I hope that I've been able to help in some way.
God Bless and Good luck with your marriage... I believe it's full of hard work and blessed rewards.

Answer 6

OK, you said serious replies right well here it comes. You have only been married 7 months, have a 6 month old baby and your spouse has a problem keeping a job, this didn't all happen overnight! He must have had these same traits/faults before you were married, so you have 2 options>

1) Ignore it as you must have done before you were married.

2) Quit while you are ahead and divorce the looser.

Easy when you look at it like that right.

Answer 7

This sounds like an unhealthy and immature marriage. For marriage to work (I'm a veteran here) you BOTH have to work at it 100% and full time. It can't be one sided. You need to sit down with him face to face and honestly discuss his intentions towards this marriage. It is vitally important that you are equally committed because there is a child involved. It never works out when one tries harder than the other because it builds resentment. He DOES need to get a job (I had two and went to college at the same time so no excuses there) and it is healthy for him to have friends but he needs to learn to put his family first. It just sounds like you need to agree on priorities and stick to it. A new marriage along with a new baby is challenging. You can get through it but you have to do it together and be TOTALLY committed to loving and supporting each other. Good luck!

Answer 8

You need to get some sort of counseling. It sounds like you both had very different expectations regarding the marriage, and may even perhaps have some differences in your value systems. Ideally, these things should have been ironed out before getting married, but it's never too late to discuss things and make compromises. Start by working on your communication skills and telling him (without trying to seem overly critical) what your expectations are for his role in your marriage and as a father. If he does not seem receptive to your thoughts and feelings, then suggest seeing a professional to help you mediate the discussion.

Answer 9

Marriage counseling--stat!

Honestly he does sound immature. He might be overwhelmed by the sudden responsibility of being married, out of work and having a child to raise. That does not excuse escaping with his friends and trying to shift it all to your shoulders.

The two of you need to sit down together with a counselor. Not without because if you try it alone all you're going to do is play the blame game. See if there is counseling offered through your college--you might be surprised at the resources avalible.

Also look into childcare on campus. A lot of larger campuses offer child care and if you're low income they offer subsidized child care.

Talk to your guidance counselor on campus too. It's free and that person should be able to point you in the direction of resources that can really help you and your husband.

Answer 10

Here is a suggestion...may i mind you just a suggestion....I know its hard to go to school, go home and be a mom, and do housework. But maybe u should go to school, watch your baby, clean, and cook.. and MAKE his a$$ get a FULL TIME job. Just because you go to school and do the house work along with being a mom makes your schedule too busy for even a part time job. Talk to him and let him know that your willing to take on all that responsibility as long as he watches the baby while you go to school and get a full time job after you come home from school. Its fair to me.....and on his days off, he can help around the house or even make it family time.