Why do so many people ask if divorce is the right thing to do, but they've never considered COUNSELING first??

Question

Are they just looking for the easy way out? Do they not realize marriage IS hard and DOES require fighting like h*ll to make it work?
Why do so many people think counseling is a bad thing? They obviously can't fix their problems all on their own, so why not accept the fact that someone can HELP??
Despite the fact that we live in a microwave world where we can get everything NOW, marriage is something that takes time. It didn't break overnight, so you can't snap your fingers and expect it to suddenly get better.
What's the deal? Are we THAT selfish?

Answer 1

Great question.

I have been in counseling for quite some time now. Everytime I mention it, most people frown and mention something like "That's great... I would never go to couseling though, but good for you". When I ask them why, most people will say something along the lines of "How can a stranger help me?" or "I wouldn't stand the idea of not being in control, I know I can fix my own life". A lot of people still don't realize counseling is not for nutcases, and that probably a stranger telling you the downs of your relationship is probably better than a friend, because the stranger can be objective.

Now, if you look closely at divorcing couples, it is very rare to find a person who will admit he/she screwed up, usually the ex is always at fault (it is never only one's fault 100%) but acknowledging our own faults is a very hard task, especially if our egos are big.

In conclusion, yes, most people rather get a divorce than look at themselves in the mirror and see that they have flaws as well, because fixing those flaws requires hard work, and most people don't care to fix anything, they'd rather divorce and find someone who will adapt to their flaws. It's human nature.

Answer 2

You have made some good points, but I think you are being a little harsh with some of your words, not all of them. Have you ever had severe marital problems? Sometimes people get so so overwhelmed and feel there is no way out. By the time they get to the point of "should we divorce" both people are so mentally exhausted and beat up, they feel they have tried everything. By that time, both or one is usually bitter, angry or resentful. It's a shame, you are right, and you are right, we do live in an instant gratification type of world. I think there has to be a balance between keeping a good eye on your marriage but not over-analyzing things either. And some people don't cope as well as you apparently do, and that's a shame too. When we are courting and planning to marry, things are usually "wonderful" so we don't always see or know what someone is like during hard times. I used to be a huge believer in couples counseling but sometimes I wonder if it makes it worse. I think if a marriage is in trouble, both spouses should go to therapy individually. This way the session is focused on what that person can do to change his or her behavior, since that is all we really have control over is our own actions....rather than having an unproductive pissing match during a session together... Just my thoughts..

Answer 3

I think a lot of people don't consider counseling because of the common public conception that if you are to receive marriage counseling then your marriage is already doomed. this belief is backed by studies (* that is if you believe them) showing that a large number of people that go to marriage counseling end up divorcing.

I think another reason people don't go is because you are forced to actually talk to each other and tell things that you have been holding back on. Such as things you really don't want to say because you would hurt your spouse on a serious emotional level. Things tend to come out in sessions and sometimes people can't get over them.

Answer 4

Of course there are exceptions, as with abuse and such, but yes, divorce is the easy way out. It requires no work and i don't think people really understand the toll divorce takes on you. My husband is a marriage counselor and has said that most couples who come in for counseling end up working through their problems.

In fact, studies have shown that couples who were SERIOUSLY considering divorce but decided to stick it out reported having happy marriages again 5 years later.

I think it's sad people are willing to throw away a potential lifetime of happiness because they are unwilling to look past a rocky couple of years.

Not only that, but where is the committment? People whine about falling out of love, which only happens because they no longer work on their relationship. If they're not happy, they want out. It's very "me, my wants and my needs" oriented instead of seeing things as a team.

Answer 5

If one has something to hide, they're going to avoid counseling like the plague because they will fear being found out. An abuser fits this personality type. He wants to keep his position of control and does not want anybody telling him that he has a problem. He does not want to change.

If there is abuse in the relationship, you need to get out. Suggesting counseling to an abuser is only putting yourself in potential danger because he senses that he is losing control over you. It will only get worse. An abuser cannot do couples counseling. Indiviual counseling is the only hope for the abuser, and sometimes that will not work.

Answer 6

I suggested it with my Ex
The answer: No I am not going to counselling with you as they are only going to agree with you (Perhaps because i was right duh!)
So we broke up Oh yes after giving it one last chance at least 6 times over 4 out of 7 years I KNOW I gave it all I could give it

Answer 7

People don't like other people getting into their personal lives and telling them what to do (counseling). Or they don't have the willpower to try to work things out and think divorce is the only answer. Or they no longer want to be with that person period!

Answer 8

I think people don't want to admit they might need help from a professional. I think if they just went to counseling it would be alot easier to deal with everything that comes along..but I think for alot of people it is really hard sharing emotions and then having to wade through those emotions and decide what they really mean. Maybe they are afraid of interpretation?

Answer 9

my husband wont' consider counselling. we're not heading for a divorce, but we're not doing to great either. i wish he would do counselling. we need to learn something different.

oh, but my ex was a different story. no amount of counselling would have fixed that. he was an abusive alcoholic.

Answer 10

People now a days don't want to put in the hard work, they want a quick fix... Sad