i'm used to having some alone time to read, do hobbies, daydream, whatever. but i haven't had ANY since my husband moved in (just before we got married). I don't even get solitary bathroom time for showering & grooming (only for toilet related things--and even then he gets cranky when i take too long. yes i do occassionally linger, because it's the only time i get to myself!!) the thing is, we're starting to bicker, constantly. i love him a lot, i really do, but i'm feeling confined and imposed on a lot lately. he makes me tense & edgey & i've been defensive & snappy a lot (so has he). i feel like he's always criticizing me, he questions everything i do, even things like why do i sit to shave my legs when i get the chance, instead of doing it in the shower (which i have only had 2 by myself in over a year). he acts like he thinks i'm going to cheat on him any minute (or that i already have & that i hide it from him). i'm not going to, and i tell him that, he doesn't really believe me.
2007-09-27 04:26:48 · 13 answers · asked by Ember Halo 6 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
so how do i ask him to back off a bit & let me have my own space without him freaking out on me?? i can't hardly do anything with my friends even, because he wants to be there too, but then complains about what we want to do (shopping or just chatting).
please help!!
i don't know what to do & i'm so tired of fighting & bickering all the time. i want us to be happy & nice to each other again, like we used to be.
what's a VERY tactful way for me to bring this up??
2007-09-27 04:28:51 · update #1
yeah, his ex cheated on him a lot.
and this has been getting progressively worse since we moved in together.
he won't go to counselling. i've tried.
and he doesn't really have any friends besides me & my friends.
2007-09-27 04:45:07 · update #2
ah, before children.
well, there's the rub... this has all escalated much faster because i'm pregnant. (his ex got pregnant by someone else & continued to sneak around & cheat with the other guy for a long time)
2007-09-27 04:48:19 · update #3
*sigh*
okay. i think he is psycho. and perhaps our relationship is a bit abusive according to that list...
he's convinced that i'm getting phone calls from some guy. it was our Bradley class instructor. but he won't believe me and won't even let me explain, he keeps cutting me off & won't let me talk.
i'm so exhausted from dealing with his insecurities. & i thought *I* was insecure!!
2007-09-27 06:09:25 · update #4
Honestly, there my not be an easy way to tell him, he may be the type of person to literally take everything to heart. You may just have to come out and tell him just as you feel. Something that may work, if he notices as you do, that you guys are bickering more and more, and he wonders what the cause of your unhappiness is..... tell him exactly what you mentioned here. Alot of times, people dont aknowledge the harm until they see damage, explain how things need to change before they get worse.... more arguments or sadly worse if it doesnt stop soon. I speak from experience, I was once like him, my ex wife had cheated on me with two guys (at the same time, literally, yuck) and her best friend is the one that told me about it (with a few choice photos from her handy cell phone camera), I carried on that drama into my next (and current) relationship and had a hard time trusting again, it wasnt until my current girlfriend explained the pain I was causing. For a short while, she even gave me passwords to emails and such for me to check whenever I felt the need, after about a week I felt so silly I had her change all her passwords to new ones I didnt know, after all, if she was willing to show me, there mustn't be anything to hide right. Not to mention, it showed her willingness to help me through my issues. Sometimes proof is in the pudding (or some cliche phrase like that)
2007-09-27 04:42:25 · answer #1 · answered by brian a 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like he is really insecure. My first thought when reading this question was maybe it's honeymooner's syndrome..where he just can't spend time apart from you. But I really feel this sounds more like a control issue if he wont even let you bathe privately if you want to. Something is wrong here and I urge you to seek counseling..individual or even couples counseling if he is willing. I think it is important to help boost his self esteem and his ability to do things independently as early in this marriage as possible so it doesn't get worse over time. Did he show any of these signs before you said I do? Or was it a change like night and day? If so it sounds like since he is so immature there really will be no way of approaching this subject without him getting upset. Mention to him that you really re-energize your battery from alone time sometime... let him know it's just something you need to be mentally stable, sort your thoughts or think about whatever you'd like during this time. It doesn't mean you are going to cheat..just that you aren't used to being with someone so much and you need a little breathing room. Suggest he go out with his friends once a week and while he is out with them..do something you'd like to do. But I really caution you to seek some help now because you don't want it to turn into a situation you see on Maury where the guy won't let his wife see her own family or use the phone. There are some insecurities there.. maybe a past relationship that has made him paranoid?
2007-09-27 11:39:02 · answer #2 · answered by greyskymourning82 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Don't worry about tactful. It would just go over his head. Show him all you have written in this question. You have said it perfectly. He needs a life of his own. Are there any guys in the neighborhood you can introduce him to so they can hang out together? Does he already have some guy friends? Encourage him to do things with them so you two can have some time away from one another.
Your husband may be an insecure, jealous, control freak. He wants to manage every minute of your day. Even if he manages to know exactly who you are with, what you are doing, and exactly how you are doing it, it won't be enough for him. His insecurities will lead him to push at you even more. He is on a path of self-destruction that will lead to the destruction of your relationship. He needs to understand that this is an issue that he needs to deal with. He needs to trust himself and trust that you both will be okay and that your relationship is strong no matter where you each happen to be or no matter who you happen to be with each day.
You can start your conversation with "I love you but it's important to me to have some time to myself to preserve my sanity and I'm sure that it's equally important to you". Beware that some people can't stand to be alone because it would require look at themselves and within themselves. That's too uncomfortable and painful a look for a lot of people.
Even if he is unhappy about it, insist on time to yourself, by yourself or with your other friends. It is up to him to deal with how he feels about that.
2007-09-27 11:40:38 · answer #3 · answered by friendlyadvice 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He sounds a little obsessive...Ask him if he trusts you? Ask him if he likes your girlfriends? Does he have freinds? If so, suggest that he goes play golf with them or go to car show or gun show with his buddies or brothers even, what ever he's into. If that doesn't work, well, you're gonna have to just ask him why he hoovers over you so much? Tell him you are feeling smothered. Tell him that you are flattered by his need to have you close all the time but as individuals, you need some time to miss each other. It is important to the longevity of your marriage. Good Luck!
2007-09-27 11:57:10 · answer #4 · answered by Big Red 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
There is no tactful way. Tell your husband that you are his wife, not his prisoner. You want to shower in privacy, and you need time alone to read, etc. If he refuses to respect your human need for privacy, you will have to decide if you want to stay in this marriage. No woman can live with a controlling, jealous husband. Make up your mind what you want to do, before children become involved!
2007-09-27 11:44:43 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
HE'S CRAZY!!! People should be able to groom and/or sh!t, shower and shave w/out being watched by someone because they are scared that you'll cheat. What the tidy-bowl man gonna come give you some lovin when he isn't looking?!? YOUR HUSBAND IS CRAZY! better get that through your head first.
2007-09-27 11:32:40 · answer #6 · answered by gypsy g 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just be upfront with him. tell him, Honey, I love you, but I need some alone time sometimes. You don't have to follow me around all the time.
Encourage him to take up some hobbies of his own, or go out with the guys. It is not healthy for him to be so clingy and you've put up with it for long enough!
2007-09-27 11:30:37 · answer #7 · answered by Leah 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
ask him to look at this, if you cant bring it up in front of him fearing he might get angry.. tell him straight.. do not beat around the bush or what so ever.. when a problem arise even if it is small just tell him if not the problem will evolve as things and feeling get more complicated.
if he get angry, just ask him why did he let you feel uncomfortable.
how do you deal with problem in relation previously?
2007-09-27 11:34:35 · answer #8 · answered by empty 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
With most men being blunt is the only way, men are usually blunt and to the point so it's really the only way he will understand, just be blunt in a low calm voice.
2007-09-27 11:33:16 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Tell him straight up that he is smothering you! Or get him addicted to on-line gaming! you'll only wish you had him back after that...lol
2007-09-27 11:32:15 · answer #10 · answered by ben d 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋