No divorce..how to deal with moody husband?

Question

Ok, I have been with my husband 13 years. I love him and he loves me, we are faithful, and would not consider divorce.The man is so difficult! He is a wonderful provider for our family and he loves the kids.BUt he is moody as as hell.Forever having temper tantrums about dumb stuff, in a foul mood, because of work 70 percent of the time.He is picky with me and how i do things.When he isnt stressed its fine and good, but I am tired of letting his mood effects me.If he is crabby, Im down. I have known about how he is before i married him, its nothing new, and he does have other characteristics that I enjoy.I know alot of women out there deal with this.Is it ok to just ignore his moods and go about life uneffected by it? I don't want the kids effected by it, so I usually , just say, don't mind Daddy he's just being Daddy... and laugh it off.

First let me start by thanking you all for your helpful advice.I should add that I have had many talks with him, explaining it would be better for the children if he would try taking medication.That I just want him to be happy and that I appriciate him for all the good he does, but that the bad is beginning to overwhelm the good.I myself have anxiety/ depression issues I have dealt with all my life, and I defiitaly recognize him as having an anxiety disorder.The next move is his, I even changed our primary doctor to a laid back guy, that is willing to work with his patients to find the med that works best for them.I thought he would be the best doctor for a man's man like my husband that thinks admitting he has a problem makes him weak.So the next move is up to him.

Answer 1

It's people like you that make me smile.

You are right, divorce is not the answer to this, and there are better ways to handle this. I think a little therapy or even a stress management course, or support group would do him some good. We all have stress from work, home, family, school, and financial situations and the best way to relieve that stress is to find something to do with it so it doesn't affect the ones you love. I think there are a few things that both you and him can do to improve this.

First, get him to go out and spend some time with some guy friends. He may already do this every once and a while, but he may not be doing it often enough. I would send him out to spend some time with friends at least twice a month, depending on his commitments. Hold him to it, don't let him use "I'm really busy, tired, or I don't feel like it." It's no excuse. He can talk about his stress with guy friends without the dicomfort of therapy, and he'll come home a lot happier.

Second, take 20 minutes out of your day to exchange stresses with him. Sit down and talk about both your days. I think this will calm his moodiness around you and open a level of intimacy for you both.

Third, when he gets moody, kick him to his cave. Just don't do it in the way you would send a child to their room. When your doing, lets say, the dishes and he doesn't think your doing a good enough job, or you missed a spot, say "Hey, you've had a really rough day, why don't you go read, play a game, watch TV..." You could go the other way, too, by saying "Why don't you do this, and I'll go (insert another chore)" Just be sure not to get too irritated at him, he's already grouchy. You don't have to do these all the time either, sometimes you could say that his pickiness bothers or hurts you. I just reread over some of this and it sounds like that "How to be a good wife" article from the 1950's. I guess I'm saying to use a comination of all of these.

I'd also talk with him about his moods. I can see it's hurting you some. And the kids may laugh it off, but they are probably bothered by his moods, too. They may even be a little on edge about it. Talk to your kids about how they feel when daddy is moody, then talk to your husband. He needs to find a way to deal with the stress without it burdening the family too much. Right now, there's more stress than there should be within the family. This is something that he needs to work on.

Good luck.

Answer 2

hi hon...

your husband seems to be a bit controlling... and sometimes people with control issues suffer from depression and anxiety... and they aren't depressed or anxious on purpose.

the medical field has determined these are illnesses which can be treated, so if your husband wants to feel better, perhaps he can discuss his "moods" with his doctor... doctors are very familiar with these problems and deal with them on a daily basis... so no need for embarrassement. we can't help it if our brains are a little imbalanced sometimes.

i have found a website with information. maybe it will help (listed below)....

you also allow him to control your moods and emotions, which isn't good... maybe next time he's trying to be controlling or in a "mood" take a deep breath and give him a smile.

you might also let him know that you realize he might be having a problem because he seems to be in a bad mood, and you are there to listen if he wants to share. he might get annoyed at first, but if you remind him that you ARE there once in a while, eventually he may come around.

it might help you to work on your own moods and attitudes.... just let him be moody.... his moods aren't really going to hurt you.

there is also a lot of information on the internet about anxiety.. maybe you could do a yahoo search on COPING WITH AN ANXIOUS PERSON, too... or LIVING WITH ANXIETY or LIVING WITH DEPRESSION.

perhaps some research might help. eventually i hope you can urge your husband to talk to a doc....
hugs

Answer 3

This Site Might Help You.

RE:
No divorce..how to deal with moody husband?
Ok, I have been with my husband 13 years. I love him and he loves me, we are faithful, and would not consider divorce.The man is so difficult! He is a wonderful provider for our family and he loves the kids.BUt he is moody as as hell.Forever having temper tantrums about dumb stuff, in a foul mood,...

Answer 4

i know where you are coming from Hun i get pretty much the same my self some times but my work is different its shift work in the middle of the desert on a mine site dint dis pair talk to the guy about his work my be its time for a change of job or a good holiday i tried to talk about this with what was my wife but she didn't bother to listen just put the walls up and then every thing was my fault now i have a issue with divorce and two kids under 13 yrs of age so i know what i am talking about but it do sent help when she was running around behind my back neither and the kids dumped at someones house for the night if you want any more advice give me a call on my email hope this was useful to u i might be able to help more

Answer 5

Pardoning your husband's childish behavior is not a good idea. Your kids will learn that they can be brats as long as they're "just being themselves."

Your husband's moodiness and irritability sounds like mild depression. Talk to him about making some changes in his life so he isn't so mad all the time - find a new job, exercise, see a doctor. Let him know his behavior is negatively affecting the family, and it's time for him to be an adult and find a solution for it.

Answer 6

Sometimes this has to do with low energy levels. This can come from a little too much sugar. Too much sugar, pasta, breads can really pull down the energy levels of a grown adult well into the next day.

They usually don't even know why they are feeling grouchy, but it can be tied to slightly lower energy levels that are subtle and not readily identifiable. In fact, too much sugar in the diet has been known to cause serious depression in some adults.

On the other hand, the elimination of refined sugars has been known to reduce depression and improve mood.

Put him on some higher protiens (very low sugars) and see how he is the next day.

Answer 7

my boyfriend was the same way. what happened was i found out i was doing something to create his moods. he's a very sensitive guy, which nothing is wrong with it, but i have learned how to deal with the problem instead of overlooking it andsaying it's just his fault. also, ALOT ALOT ALOT OF COMMUNICATION is the key. so take a date or a walk and talk about what's really going on and let him know that it's crippling you and him and the kids for whatever the problem maybe. and don't seem like you are blaming him, go in with an open mind you never know it really might be something you're doing..like in my situation.

Answer 8

Yes, I understand. I am sorry for you...my husband was once much like this. I never did know what it was that made him so hard to get along with. He was irrational too. Anyhow, he is better now and I should be answering your question instead of talking too much about mine. I think that if he is really critical of you, then you should let him know that being in a bad mood is one thing, but being emotionally abusive while doing it is quite another.

I think that if each time he acts this way toward you or the kids, you leave the room...or even leave the house with the kids, he might get the picture. Sometimes it is almost like they need to see that when they are being rude, that the consequence is that they have to just be by themself. Let him totally be alone with his thoughts when he is like that. The important thing is don't waver. If you are in the middle of dinner, or in the middle of a good movie, just leave right in the middle of it and tell him that you have decided that since you can't control how he reacts, you are going to control how you react to it, because it isn't good for you or the kids. You don't have to say it in a mean way, just simply make the statement. After you have said that once, then he will know why you leave everytime he starts in.

This really does help. Let me tell you how I know. When my husband and I used to have more arguments , he would start yelling. Well, I didn't grow up with yelling and I felt very abused by it. I kept telling him that, but he just kept on yelling. That is until I took control of me. Each time he started yelling, I would walk out of the room, saying I am not putting up with this. I value myself more than that. I even left the house if I felt that he was going to continue. One of his phrases that he used a lot at that time was " I need my space". So, I would tell him, you are going to get all the space you need. I literally left him alone to think about his actions. I swear it made a difference. He doesn't yell near as much now, and wouldn' t at all if I would just leave when he starts. Just remember that you can't control him, but you can control you and that is a very, very powerful thing. Because" you" controlling "you"...will change him as well.

Even if this doesn't work immediately, I suggest you keep with it, because eventually he will see that you really aren't going to tolerate this in him. Good luck to you and I hope this helps.

Answer 9

have a heart to heart talk with your husband, tell him that it bothers you that he is crabby and moody especially around kids.Tell him that you understand that he is tired from work but it is affecting your kids too. Ask him what you can do to improve this type of situation in your house or suggest if he needs to see some counselling.

Do not forget to tell him how much you appreciate him except the crabbiness...

God Bless!

Answer 10

Think you should not allow it to affect you or the family. When he is in a foul mood, he is only hurting himself by having tantrums. He is allowing things to get to him way too much. Would be much better if he let out his feelings in a more constructive manner than to pick on you, etc. It has become a habit for him to react in this way. You might wish to talk to him when he is in a good mood and see if he can vent 'in private' let go of those feelings and then continue on. But, if you have accepted him this way, then just ignore it all - laugh it off as you know it is simply an outlet for him.