Can't trust anymore?

Question

I found out that my husband had secret e_mail accounts were girls/women were writting to him.He's been telling them how beautiful they are,sexy and all that stuff that me i don't get to hear.I'm just 25years old and were've been married for almost 5years.He aslo posted many prifile's on love sites seaching for women .I don't know how far this was going to go on if i didn't catch him.The problem is when i asked him why he was doing this he gave many reasons like he's doing it for fun and his workmates do it.He aslo raised up issues from the past,things that i thought that he had forgiven me for.
What happened was that before we got married(still going out)i was abused by a man and it seems like it was all my fault.I told him this when we were already married(3 years).i was scared to tell him this because i didn't want to loose him.Anyway ever since then my relationship with him is no longer good.So he tells me sometimes that he can find better than me, and all other nasty stuff.

i was hoping that maybe he might forgive me and we start all over again but i don't think that is possible.So when i found out that he was communicating with some woman ever since 2 years ago, when i asked him he was like i do it because of what you did.I forgot to say that i was abused because i accepted to go out for a drink with this guy and i got too drunk.Now, do you think my marriage has a chance?He doesn't trust me anymore and either i.

ihave a daughter with him.She's 7months old.

It's been 3 days ever since i asked this question.I'll like to give some feedback.I talked to my hubby and asked him if he wanted to save our marriage.I told him that i took an appointment to see a marriage consellor.To my suprise he got angry and was like why do i decide things on my own.Aftrewards he was like he will think about it.Ever since i haven't got any response.Now he acts as if everything is ok but he can't see that things aren't ok at ll.Before when we had the same problem i will just brush it away but the same problem occurs again.So now the same thing is repeting itself.I have to do something.I was afraid of leaving because i am scared of being on my own.

Answer 1

You seem to have few options since there's not enough emotional energy left to try counseling or pushing for behavioral change on his part. My thoughts:
** Stop asking for anything, at this time your now on survival mode and since he's not willing to do his part, it may be time for you to act on your end.
** Go on strike-- no more meals, dinners, laundry, conversation, sex, etc. he needs to come to a deision point since this lingering is far to difficult.
** Make an ultimatum-- either the internet goes (I mean shut it off completely) or you go. If he refuses, leave the house and take your child elsewhere for 3-5 days. Say no more, If he calls, ask only 1 question- Will you go to therapy with me? If he says no, yells, shuts down, hang up and wait. In 5 days, contact him and ask him if he's ready to talk with a therapist. If he says no, or is angry, hang up-- you now have your answer.
** Wait another 2 days and try again, if he continues to be angry, then hang up. All you want is a yes or no-- no discussion or debate, no conversation, nothing. IF he agrees, make a pact on the spot--h he will attend no less than 10 sessions, will do the homework assigned by the therapist, be honest and open. Period. If he agrees, now there's a potential; for life. If he disagrees, you now have another answer and must look seriously at life w/o him.

What you're doing in the above process is rebooting the relationship by establishing boundaries and empowering yourself. He will not like this and may react strongly-- just don't budge one inch, that's what he wants and if you do, you've lost your bargaining power. What to do then:
** start making a life for yourself- work, friends, be less available for this relationship and more for your own wellbeing and security
** start saving money quickly and in a separate account (don't steal from the joint one!)
** talk to an attorney, immediately
** see a therapist yourself... and if he agrees, then take him and try to resolve issue and see if it can work. If he doesn't want to, then you go.
** protect you assets, quickly and wisely

As an aside, most people have a lot of learning and healing to do prior to starting a new relationship-- and then again, most people don't really know when they're ready, but are pushed into it by others or because they feel they should be out there in the action, before the lessons have been learned.

Remember, if the lessons aren't learned (i.e., what part did you play in the downfall of the marriage, what could you do differently next time, etc.), then you're doomed to repeat them in the next serious relationship.

Also remember, one reason for a higher divorce rate among 2nd and 3rd marriages is b/c the lessons weren't learned and the person's "picker (how you pick and who you pick)" is either broken of damaged.

What I've also learned is that there can be a rich life after divorce and that that life can be the deepest, most meaningful, fulfilling and powerful experience you've ever had. Fears of being alone and lonely are temporary, fleeting and will not kill you: a new relationship, if done correctly, will further heal, enrichen and give you the joy of life you were robbed of in your 1st marriage.

Answer 2

He is a man with too damn much pride!
He acts as if it were your fault that you were abused before!
Then again, maybe he feels that he really can't trust you, because you had not told him about this abuse before now!
If you two love each other, and you want the marriage to work, then you both have to be willing and then go to a marriage counselor, and save your marriage!
Some people finds it harder to forgive than others!
Try talking more together,and going places together(just the two of you)!
Just take a couple of days and go out of town to somewhere peaceful, and just be together without the chores of everyday life!
Sometimes stress can also put a toll on a relationship, and thats when you should take a vacation, and relax, and talk about your problems, but also let each other know how much you love one another!
Good Luck, and don't give up on your marriage if you really love him!

Answer 3

First of all, being abused is NOT your fault. sure, you made a bad decision by drinking too much but that doesn't mean you deserved what happened. Respect yourself, and don't let anyone tell you it's your fault, cuz that's just stupidity talking.
You both need counseling.
K-9 makes an internet filter. You can block e-mail sites, online dating, sites, etc - block it ALL except the e-mail acount you know he has & know his password to.
Men get bored easily and do stupid things just because it's THERE. Take the temptation away & he'll probably be good.
DEMAND counseling or tell him to pack his bags. Then be prepared to stick with it.
You deserve better, and it's possible to make your relationship better with communication and COUNSELING.

Answer 4

Your husband is a disgusting *******! He is looking to cheat with someone. Is your husband holding you responsible for being abused by a man? It never is the victim's fault...so I don't know where you get that idea...besides it is in the past. I don't know what there was that your husband had to forgive you for....other than you didn't tell him about this painful experience until you had already been married 3 years. Let him find better if he thinks he can....you are much better off without this loser.

Answer 5

Get a divorce. You have been emotionally abused ENOUGH!! Abuse of any kind is never healthy. You need to heal and he should be supportive. The foundation of this marriage to me has been broken and there is no trust. If he really loved you he wouldn't be doing this or using you "past" against you. Love doesn't consist on this type of behavior. You are still young and you deserve better. This situation is hurting you so get out of it. Life is too short.

Answer 6

Hate to tell you this, but the writing is on the wall- time to make a decision about your marriage. First of all his reasons for doing it -- were pitiful - I could have told a better lie than that -- and the lies, deceit and betrayal would be enough for me to leave him -- how will you ever trust him again? Then to pour salt in your wounds by telling you, that he can do better, and telling other women things he doesn't say to his wife ---- well, let's just say I'd collect evidence and see him court - no one deserves that kind of treatment, and you should love yourself enough not to want to deal with it --

Answer 7

First, how is getting abused by a man your fault? Second, did he really try to use the excuse that "everyone else is doing it"? Third, don't try to stay together for the kid, it only ends up being worse down the road.

The two of you should just sit down and talk about everything. If you two can't move on from that kind of stuff, you are in trouble.

Answer 8

i am very sorry for what you are going threw. if he is treating you like this now it will only get worse more than likely so get out you can get allot better. and if not it is better to feel good alone then put down with some one.leave and work on yourself see a councillor you can't let people treat you this way. my husband treated me bad so i left and seen a councillor and studied the bible after 10 months we got back together things are better well he doesn't put me down and if he starts i just tell him i will not put up with being treated like that that there is no biases for it. he generally stops.

it's long but i hope it helps.

Answer 9

Being abused is not good. I have been hit once by a guy that I was in love with and yes I took him back….. I know exactly where you are coming from… no I have moved on to…. My new boyfriend treats me great… maybe that’s what it will take with you. Move on. You need to have trust in someone and obviously he gives you plenty of reasons not to trust him. Internet is a bad thing to do when you’re in a relationship.

If he is looking for someone to cheat or be with on the net you need to get out of that fast before you get hurt again. Chances are this relationship won’t last at all. He may also abuse you in the future..

Being hurt is this worst thing that happens in a relationship and if you can’t trust him….. GET OUT OF IT!!! A relationship is based upon trust and it seems you have lack of it….. If you need anymore help feel free to email me anytime…..

Answer 10

Well sweetness dont feel like you did anything wrong with the older man (you were abused). As for your husband, shame on him for saying that he can find better than you. This is a sign that he is on the look out for someone new and as soon as she comes along your gonna be out the door. Not only does this statement ring true but you have the proof of knowing that he is cheating (emotionally, if nothing else) with other girls online. He has already crossed the line of trust, love, and marriage. I say let him and the computer have the relationship that it can so desprately give him, find yourself a real man.