Emotional Affair?

Question

My husband had an emotional affair that ended several months ago. We have been going to counseling and things have been going well except for one major issue...trust.

He wants to go out with "the boys" and typically in the past I haven't minded, but I feel an impending doom this time. I don't trust him. I know deep in my heart he isn't seeing her anymore nor do I think he ever slept with her or even kissed her.

He has done nothing to help me regain his trust and when we talk about it, he says "either you trust me or you don't".

How do I get over this?

Answer 1

i am going through this same thing exactly. my hubby went out for the first time last night with his friends. he told me he was going to be home at 8pm and he wasn't. he never even called to tell me that he was going to be late. i called him and he didn't answer his phone. you can imagine how i felt. i know he was with his friends because i'm friends with a wife of one of the guys that was also there. anyway, it's hard to trust them again. to let them out of your site again. but remember, if he wanted to cheat on you again, he would and there would be nothing that you could do to stop him. if he really wanted to, he would find a way. however, it's up to him now to repair the broken trust. it's not just going to fix itself. i ordered the book below for my hubby and so far it's helping. maybe it would help you too.

Answer 2

Though it's usually women who have emotional affairs, men sometimes also do this. Which sometimes hurts more than a sexual affair because he's giving of himself, emotionally. Nights out with the boys is normal for all men. It's the time when they can get together and be the neanderthals they wouldn't dare be around you. It's a release. Let him go. Of course you feel insecure. After the stunt he pulled, you have every right to be! But you can't move forward and past this thing unless you take the steps to trust him. I personally trust people until they give me a reason not to and your husband has obviously given you plenty of reason. Your feelings and your concerns are valid. There's no quick fix to get over this. He's going to have to regain your trust. In the mean time, boys nights out are absolutely nothing to be worried about and your husband will appreciate your willingness to allow him the freedom to have this. When he's allowed this release, he is allowing himself to clear his head and he will be better able to deal with the situation at home. What he did was wrong, it's as simple as that. Frankly, kudos to you for staying with him, in the first place! But now you need to move past all this. Show that you trust him and let him have a night a week with the fellows. In return, he must also do his part to regain your trust.

Answer 3

It is hard to regain trust. He needs to understand that even though he didn't sleep with this girl, it was still an emotional affair that hurt you. That hurt caused you to lose trust. It wasn't by choice but these things happen. Sit him down and in the most loving way you can, tell him that you are trying to work through these things but you need time and patience. Perhaps you two can come to an agreement on the night out with the boys. Ask him if it would be alright if you knew where he was going to go. Maybe the place will be harmless. All you can do is communicate with him that you are trying to regain the trust. Tell him you need his patience, understanding, and you need him to try to help you get it back. With enough love, you guys can make it. It won't be easy but you can do it if you work together. Best of luck!

Answer 4

If I were him I would say "I dont trust you because you have proven me not to be able to". He has to earn his trust back with you, that could take a very long time. As for you saying that he isnt seeing this women anymore, hasnt slept with her, and hasnt kissed her (how to you know this to be true, he already has proven to you that he crosses lines in your relationship and cant be trusted). I'm not saying this to be rude by any means, dont get me wrong. If he wants to go out with the boys and dosent care one way are the other what your feelings are on this he hasnt taken care of the issue at hand with your emotional state and for him to have carried on an emotional affair with someone else and now put your feelings to the side and only think about himself leads me to believe that this guy that your married to is one selfish person.

Answer 5

Because you said, "he has done nothing to help me regain his trust" leads me to believe that you took him back and forgave him too soon after finding out about his emotional affair. Whenever someone cheats, whether emotional or otherwise, it is extremely important that the one cheated on makes the biggest effectiveness on how cheating will not be tolerated. At the moment of finding out you should have blasted your toughest love ever. That would have impressed upon him and made him face the consequenses of his actions. Your husbands attitude of "you either trust me or you don't" is typical of a man who has not learned his lesson. You forgave him too quickly. You need to say to him " you know what you have done has made me question by trust in you, and I have come to see that I forgave you before really thinking things through. I see your attitude as an indication that you have no idea of what your cheating has done to our marriage. I feel I do not wish to continue until I see things are gonna change and that we will have something that both of us can build from. Until then I think it best you leave and if you wish we can attend counseling. If not then I will have to accept this as an indication that you do not have a real desire to help our marriage overcome what you have done. I love you but I know I alone cannot work on our marriage alone, it will take the both of us. You decide. Until then I have alot of thinking to do and need time to sort out and question if I can indeed ever trust you again."...After saying this do not contact him in any way. He must know you mean it or trust me he will cheat again. This is the hard work you need to do to say to him "cheating will never be tolerated". Best of luck to you!

Answer 6

i had a similar experience and my husband responded the same way. You must demand more. Trust is hard to earn back and he must be willing to go thru the process of earning your trust back. It will take time. If he loves you enuff, he will allow you to work thru your feelings. Emotional affairs are the worst because they deal with the unseen, non-physical aspect of a relationship. So it is something you as his wife cannot control. You are going to have to make a decision as to whether you have the ability to trust him again. Is your anger/hurt stronger than the love you have for him? If it is then you need to work thru it or separate from him until you can. If you live like this , it will only make the marriage worse. Trust me, i know. I had to choose to forgive but it didnt happen until my husband did his part in helping me heal. you both have to choose to try or it will not last. Good luck

Answer 7

No, its not either you trust me or don't. He screwed up and screwed up big time. If he wants the marriage to work, he should be doing everything he can to gain your trust again. He should be taking you out, not going out with the boys. He should be showing you everyday that you're his number one and only. I know the only way for me was to see his actions... He can tell you until he is blue in the face that you can trust him, but actions speak louder than words... You'll get over it when you're ready and from the sounds of it, you're not any where near that point. He should be helping you, by showing you he can be trusted again.

Answer 8

the two are rather undesirable, of course. A one night stand is probable in basic terms approximately intercourse, yet an emotional affair ability there is a lot greater in touch. An on-going sexual affair likely is the two actual and emotional.

Answer 9

Until he participates in your getting over this you will never trust him. He needs to realize he broke your trust and now must jump through hoops to help you get it back... He shouldn't even be thinking of going out until he has gotten your trust. If he doesn't want to put in the effort then maybe you don't want him as a husband?!?

Answer 10

You don't and his "either you trust me or you don't" attitude is all the more reason not to get over it. He would not have had the affair if he respected you in the first place. By the way, sleeping with her or even physical contact is not necessary to classify his actions as an affair.

I would end the marriage and go find someone who respects you.

Take care,
Troy