My husband and I said we weren't going to have kids, but now he thinks he's changing his mind...?

Question

Before my husband and I got married, I told him that I did not want children (for many reasons). I made him understand that he better not marry me thinking I might change my mind later. He said he understood and that he was cool with my decision. He said he loved me, and that was all that matters.

Well, life happens, as it always does, and I've just recently had to have a 2nd abortion (trust me, I'm not happy 2 different forms of BC failed me in the past, but I will say that I'm glad the option is there for those of us that had accidents). Anyway, after having a serious discussion with my husband, he let it slip that this last pregnancy had him thinking. The idea of having a baby with me, his beloved wife, would have made him happy. Now, he's not sure how he feels about us not having kids.

I love my husband. I'd give him the world if I could... but I can't give him this. What do I do with this information now? Wait until he decides he needs kids and leaves me?
Additional Details

7 hours ago
And in case you are wondering, I managed to convince a doctor to give me the Mirena IUD. Hopefully, the double whammy of and IUD plus hormones, while illuminating human error, will keep any more "accidents" from happening. Trust me, it's not for lack of trying that I'm getting pregnant folks.

I know I already asked this, but it was like 3 a.m., and didn't get many answers.

OK, I'm not here for an abortion debate people. I have tried for 3 years to get someone to tie my tubes, but I can't find one person in Florida who will tie the tubes of a 24 year old married woman with no kids. I've tried 7 different doctors, and the best I could do is an IUD. They don't care how many abortions I've had, so back off.

It really shouldn't matter why I don't want kids. If you must know the MAIN reasons is that I frankly just don't like them, and the idea of having to deal with one an a daily basis is frightening. I know you all think I'm terrible because I don't like kids, but I'm not. I'm a good person. And, I think it's good that if someone knows they don't want kids to NOT have them.

Move past the abortions and on to saving my marriage people, please.

Ok, why I don't want children:
1. Don't like them at all, at any age. When I am around one, I do whatever I can to avoid them as tactfully as possible.
2. I have a few minor medical conditions that keep me super busy with doctors, and I feel like I can barely take care of myself let alone another person.
3. I have absolutely NO longing for them.
4. I'm happily building my career, and I'm not willing to put that on hold to have a child.
5. I know that if I don't do it by age 30 (which I consider a good biological cut off date), I never will, and I'm almost 25. I don't see things changing 5 years from now.
6. You may think this is silly, but it's not to me. I had a breast reduction a little over a year ago, and pregnancy might risk my breasts getting larger again. I WON'T do that.

Happy? You know, my husband understands my reasosn, why do you even care?

Answer 1

I am with you 100% on this one I am 24 too and been with my husband for 8 years, i also don't want kids and have gotten pregnant on birth control and had an abortion and i live in florida so I KNOW you CANNOT get your tubes tied if you have not already had kids. Don't listen to people that are telling you that cause obviously if you could have gotten them tied then you would have, they just don't understand that doctors refuse to do it and it is your decision to have an abortion and i for one applaud that decision. Like this world really needs more unwanted children and people on welfare. (not that you would be one of them) All i can say is that your husband is the one who changed his mind about this not you! So you should not be the one to worry about it. Stand your ground he will either except it for what it is or unfortunately if it is that important to him to have kids than he will leave you. I am sorry that you are going through this and i agree there should be more people like us in this world who know that we can not tolerate having kids so we don't have them . If only more people out there did not keep having kids when they have no business being parents than our world would not be as overpopulated as it is.

Good Luck
I truly hope everything works out the way you want it to but stay strong and hold on to your beliefs as there is absolutely nothing wrong with them

*heres an idea though,select a couple that has the brattiest kids that you know and have him watch them for a few hours! LOL that should help change his mind on having kids.

Answer 2

First of all, if you're serious about not having kids, then get your tubes cut and tied or cauterized. NO more abortions, please... it is not birth control.

Second, your husband married you knowing that you didn't want kids. If he has changed his mind, then he has a choice to make. Either stay with you and accept that there will be no children from this marriage - either biological or adopted - or he can divorce you and find a woman who shares his desire for a family.

And let's be honest - It's not that you can't give him this - it is that you won't.

FYI - an IUD can actually be dangerous.. and unreliable. I cannot understand why women say they don't want kids but then they won't take the permanent measures (that are safe and harmless) to make that a reality. The procedure to cut/tie/cauterize your fallopian tubes is not major surgery and it takes all of an afternoon and you're done.

And understand - he has the right to change his mind... before I married my husband, we never discussed children. I just assumed that once you marry you have kids. On our wedding night, he said he never wanted to have kids, and that was final. So, I had to accept that I would never be a mommy.

However, nine years later he changed his mind. Three years ago, we adopted a little 18 month old from China. And we are extremely, deliriously happy.

Answer 3

It seems as though you have done more than necessary to accommodate this woman and she keeps taking advantage of you. I know a lot of people are having hard times, but $650 for a well bred puppy isn't that much. If she had trouble coming up with the money will she be able to afford vet care if there was some sort of accident? Can she afford high quality food and regular vet care? I understand the holidays are a busy time but she seems to have a lot going on that is more important than her new puppy. Will this be the case when she finally takes him home? Her behavior thus far is not indicative of a committed, responsible owner. Morally and ethically I think you are in the right to refund her money and sell the pup to another family. If you and she have not signed the contract you are not legally obligated to sell her the pup. Thanks for being a responsible breeder and breeding precious Beagles (I have 3) and not teacup yorki-tzu-malti-chi-weenie-poos.

Answer 4

OK. #1. If you NEVER want to have kids, get sterilized. It's ridiculous to have birth control fail you, and get abortions and fuss over different methods of birth control. Use your common sense and do the RIGHT thing. To continue to *hope* that birth control will do the trick and use abortion as your back up, frankly, is not very moral, ethical, or responsible on your part.

#2. If he has changed his mind or thinking of it, then you have to let this be HIS decision and do it NOW. Tell him that if he really thinks he wants children, your answer remains NO and he must decide once again if this is something he can live with, if not, you will reluctantly and sadly let him go.

#3. Whatever you do, do not let him convince you to have a baby, because that baby deserves a mother and a father who WANT him or her, it's hard enough to raise kids when you want them and cherish them, much less when you've got one reluctant parent.

Answer 5

You really have alot to think about. This is a hard one. Sorry to say you should have known that he would change, or maybe you didnt. To be honest, every women or the man want a baby by there spouse. So hopefully you to can come to a decision or maybe you both need to take care of someone elses children for a few weeks and then he would see if he wants kids, get older kids and get the babies. Then he will see.

Answer 6

If he truly wants children, let him go. He will just resent you later in the relationship for denying him children. He at one point thought it would be ok not to have children, but people change their minds all the time. Not fair to you mind you, but it does happen. He loves the thought of a child that has both of you in one single person. How lovely a thought for him. He obviously adores you. But if someone gets the thought of a child, and then life passes with not a child to share it with, he may become bitter. He will always think in the back of his mind what those two "accidents" would have looked like, how old they would be, if they would have been productive adults. I wish you well, I hope he finds happiness too.

Answer 7

I'm not going to get into your abortions, I don't think that was the point of your post, although your admission of the abortions does highlight your resolve NOT to have children.

I think that having children is something that BOTH parents MUST agree on. If he is changing his mind, then you need to rethink your committment. I think you need to tell him, once again, that if he wants children he'll have to find another wife - as you have not changed your mind about NOT reproducing. But before you say this to him, make sure that you are prepared to back it up. You cannot continue having abortions - so he needs to determine just exactly how strong his desire for children is, as it seems your resolution NOT to have children is very firm.

Good luck!

Answer 8

You have a right to your feelings and if you do not want children, you should not have them. Your husband knew this from the beginning. Talk to him again and be sure that he understands that you will not change your mind. Ask him if this will affect your future with him and if he says yes, then it will be better to leave each other now. Good luck and don't be talked into something. The worst reason in the world to have a child is to please someone else.

Answer 9

There is nothing you can do...you've made up your mind and if he changes his then that is all there is to it. People change, people grow throughout a relationship. All you can do is hope that you grow together and not separately.
And could you give a few good reasons you don't want children? Because it seems that fate really thinks that you should? Unless you have some serious issues that would make you harm a child why wouldn't you want to have at least one child?

Answer 10

I don't agree with your decisions at all but with that said, you did make yourself clear before marriage. Problem is your hubby is human and has started to change his mind or at least has let the idea of a happy little family enter his head. You are going to have to really talk this out. Please get a tabulation instead of abortions... Good luck.