General question for the women?

Question

why is it that when you tell your man about a problem and he offers you a solution you get upset... and if he doesn't offer a solution but just listens you also get upset...

perhaps I can get one step closer to understanding based on the answers given!

I can typically tell when my wife wants a solution or for me to just listen. I have had instances where I've done the wrong thing as well... just trying to figure it out for future reference.

Answer 1

I usually let my man know in advance what I want him to do. "Ok, hun, I have this problem. Tell me what you think." or...."I want to talk about something that's bothering me. Just listen to me vent and I'll be fine." That usually gets rid of any confusion.

Answer 2

You would benefit greatly by reading the book, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus," by John Gray. (It is permissible to change the dust-cover to "TERMINATOR IV" to disguise your reading material!! HAHAHAHA!)

It explains the differences between the communication "styles" of men and women... not that one is BETTER than the other, but that they are DIFFERENT from each other. AND that understanding how the other gender communicates will vastly improve how you understand, relate, and communicate with them.

Now... women are "sharers" so to speak. Men are "problem solvers." In your example, when a woman tells a man... OR a woman, for that matter... about a problem, she is actually "sharing" her problem with the listener. She is NOT REALLY INTERESTED in a SOLUTION. She is merely saying, "Hey, I have this problem that I want you to know about and understand. I just want you to acknowledge how much pain/trouble/hurt/whatever I am experiencing over this problem."

When a WOMAN hears the woman's problem, SHE understands EXACTLY what the other is saying, and responds with something like, "Oh, that's TERRIBLE! I KNOW what you must be feeling!" That "validates" the woman's feelings that she is having a problem which is causing her angst.

Now, when a MAN hears the problem, HE is hearing in his mind, "Hey, I have a problem, can you fix it for me?" But this is NOT what the woman is communicating. But he goes ahead and offers his solutions, "Hey, what if you do this/that/the other thing, and maybe that'll make things better." The woman doesn't want that... she wants validation and sympathy/empathy.

Now, say the man has READ John Gray's book, and he understands how women communicate. He will then say to the woman, "Oh hon... that's just awful! You must feel terrible!" The woman is now HAPPY, because 1- he has "understood" what she was saying, and 2- her feelings are "validated", and 3- she has gotten from her man exactly what she WANTED from him.

Okay, I can JUST hear you "practical-minded" men out there, "but what about the real solution? Can't I TELL her how to fix it?"

But of COURSE you can! But you CANNOT do that right away! You have to empathize first... ask her how she's feeling... sympathize again... ask her if SHE has some ideas how to fix things... ask her what she THINKS of those ideas... suggest your actual FIX for the problem... ask her how she feels... ask her if she thinks it might work.

Yeah... round about ... but that is the way women communicate... We are from VENUS.

Of course the reverse goes for women with men, but I'll let John Gray continue with that information.

So please, kind sir, you have to simply understand how women communicate, and then work with that "method" to communicate your solution to her. THEN the communication "styles" will be in harmony, and she WON'T be upset with you, and vice versa!


Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

Answer 3

First off, its a good idea that you realize that women are NEVER looking for a solution to their problem. Being a man, your first instinct may be to offer a quick-fix, but more than likely your honey just needs to vent. Telling her what to do may imply she is helpless, sitting and saying nothing may signal to her that you are not paying attention or do not empathize.

Bottom line: the most important thing you can do for a woman is to let her know that you support her. That's all we really want; a sympathetic ear!

Answer 4

Now this is purely speculation...I think that most of the time we are just looking for someone to listen. But men are often wired to be problem solvers and want to offer a solution, so you do, but what we are really looking for is just a sounding board. I think it gets lost in translation for everyone but that is just my take on the whole thing. We really know what we want to do about something but to bounce it off the person we are closest to is natural.

Answer 5

Sadly and not being sexist it's because men and women view things so differently that when you do offer a solution it usually is the dumbest sounding thing in the world to us and when you don't it's because either we think you're not paying attention or because we know you are thinking something and afraid to say it because of what our reaction might be.

Answer 6

well it could be PMS which is what girls have before having there period..it stands for pre menstrual stress and we get really pissed at anything said...its could also be because they just want you to cuddle and love them...maybe try and listen and give a solution, love the woman your with and she'll respect you.
xxoo

Answer 7

That depends on how I am feeling that day. Sometimes I just want him to listen, other times I want him to man-up and solve my problem.

Answer 8

It is because we have already got a sloution in our head and we expect the man to suggest exactly that. I know it's difficult to read a person's mind, but that is exactly what she expects out of her man. What she needs is your support.

Answer 9

It's what we do. Actually I don't get mad if he gives me a solution or listens to me.

Answer 10

I dont know i think its just to complicated to explain....Sometimes they just offer the wrong solution and well when you dont they think you dont care.