I've been married to my wife for 3yrs and we have had a pretty good realtionship with it's natural ups and downs. Her family is going through a tough situation right now. One of her brothers is a 19yr old schizopheric and is in the hospital, but will need a place to stay when he gets out. Her other brother is in a juvinile detintion center and is turning 18 and will also need a place to stay when he gets out. Her mother is staying with her sister and her husband and their 4 kids and the husbands baby sister. The rest of the family is staying with her stepdad and his wife. Their house isn't that big and its hard to hold alot of people. They stay with 5 kids-two adults. And both her sister and her stepdad have a small three bedroom home like mine. I don't want to be mean, but I really don't want them to stay with us even if its for a little while. Am I selfish or do I have a right to my home? P.S. My wife is sad because she is afriad the rest of her family will be mad for not helping.
2007-09-26 18:52:46 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
If you love your wife you will do everything in your power to keep them out. Don't do it, don't do it, don't do it.
Tell her that you love her too much to let anything come between you and two.
Let her know that instead of them coming to live with you, you will sit down with her and take as much time as you need to in order to help find supportive care for both of her siblings.
Let her know that plain and simple the two of them need supportive care that is beyond your capacity literally and figuratively and that the stress of having to live in a home that is too small for so many people and where tensions are inevitable is a recipe for failure for both of them...
Besides, you will be setting up a situation of dependence where they will come to depend on you and they should really learn to rely on the services available to them outside of the family unit such as halfway houses specific to their needs...as you will not always be able to care for them and they should be loved by their family--not a burden to them.
You will regret not digging in on this one if you let them move in and by the time you get to regret, it will be too late.
2007-09-26 19:43:27 · answer #1 · answered by joellemoe 4 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Well it depends: Is there a reason the mother isn't living on her own?
Also, the brother in juvie should be set up with programs so that he can find some place on his own without depending on his family members. The Schizophrenic brother will also likely be getting that help but it may take him more time.
I suggest letting the brothers stay with you for a specific period of time. During that time help that make appointments seeing apartments, getting jobs etc.
You do not want them there for an indefinite period of time... it just creates reliance, which isn't good in either situation.
Family does help out family though.
P.S. You may want to talk to both the Juvie and the hospital to see their opinions. They may think that the best idea is for both to go straight out on their own so as not to foster dependence.
2007-09-26 19:10:19 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
It depends.
Is your mother-in-law a sweet person that appreciates help? Is she working a job/going to school to better herself? Or does she have a debilitating medical condition that bars her from working? If she's not working and not sick (lazy), then no don't help her out. If she's got a job and is trying to get back on her feet, then yes, help her out. If she's sickly then do the good samaritan thing and shelter her.
As for the brothers. You did not mention if you and your wife have kids. If yous have kids, then you need to be protective and really question if you want a schizo and a deliquent around children. If yous don't have kids, then do the good samaritan thing, but establish early the house rules and a time frame for them to stay.
best of luck
2007-09-26 19:14:18 · answer #3 · answered by a jaded angel 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
***PLEASE READ***
Within a year of buying our new home, my wife's family moved in with us. Here's how it all went down:
I get a call from my wife one Tuesday afternoon in tears. I thought somebody had died. She tells me her mom hasn't made a house payment in 9 months and that they have to be out by 7 o'clock the next day. I told her I supposed I could take the day off to help them pack. She said not 7pm, but 7am the marshals were coming to lock up the house! I asked what her dad thought of all this, and she said he didn't know yet! Poor guy was at work and had absolutely no clue what was going on! So all the rest of the evening and into the night I helped them pack up all of their crap. He wasn't in a good mood as you could imagine! It wasn't until about 2am that I asked my wife where they were staying. That's when it hit me like a ton of bricks!
So for the next 6 months my mother inlaw, father inlaw, and FOUR sister in laws ages 6, 9, 10, and 17 lived in our house. And within weeks of moving in our house slowly started to look like theirs. Dishes overflowing in the sink, clothes everywhere, and utter chaos. When I told my mother in law that she owed us for half the utilities at least, she argued and said they should only have to pay the difference of whatever the bills were now -vs- what they used to be. Can you believe that? Finally after 6 months I asked my father in law when they planned on moving out? He said as soon as he could save money to buy a place, because he didn't want to rent. It was then that I told him they needed to find someplace else to live. It was a horrible strain on my marriage, and I resent the fact that they lived with us as long as they did. HOWEVER, it wasn't all completely bad. It was nice when we all had dinner together, watched TV together, etc etc. But as far as having sex and walking into the kitchen to grab a bottled water and some left overs? Forget it!
So my advice is that IF you allow your wife's family to move in with you, make sure it's not open ended. Establish a time line. Give them a cut off date. That way they'll be motivated to make that next step, you will have something to look forward to, and your wife will think you're a prince. Good luck man!
2007-09-26 19:28:10 · answer #4 · answered by ? 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You married a wife, and agreed to live with and support a wife. You did not marry the rest of the clan (although they do become (relatives)-in-law. She may feel guilty that her family is not doing as well as she and you are doing, but they are not your actual responsibility. Your wife and any children you create are your responsibility. Your home is your castle, and you may invite the guests of your choosing, but you are not obligated to provide for them unless you choose to invite them.
2007-09-26 19:02:38 · answer #5 · answered by Princess Picalilly 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It is not a good idea to let your brothers-in-law live with you and your wife in your family home because they will be the root cause of your future conflict with your wife. What you can do to help them is to find an apartment where they can live and pay its monthly rent.
2007-09-26 19:05:17 · answer #6 · answered by Belen 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Sorry to say this " your in-laws need to find their own place to live" for the simple reason that your relationship will suffer having them around. Family will always criticize you whether you're doing something right or wrong--so let them. Maybe, they should help....Why do you guys have to take them in?
2007-09-26 19:14:59 · answer #7 · answered by Rafa 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Just say no. i have opened the door to my family in the past and believe me, they only say thank you when they are living in your home but as soon as they find another place, the appreciation for the help is no longer there. They start talking behind your back and just say mean things. In your case, it looks like its time to use tough love. the whole family needs help and its not your roof. they need councelling and or medical help. if ppl keep welcome these ppl in there homes all the time they will overstay there welcome and they your mariage, privacy and joy of living will be lost forever.
Just say no. not only are you allowed to say no but you are actually helping them. You say how are you helping them. you are forcing them to take their life in their own hands and like they say GET A LIFE. if you say yes, they just become more and more parasites.
2007-09-26 19:10:02 · answer #8 · answered by libtax_19 1 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Not a good idea...Even thought it wont be easy turning saying No, it's gonna be harder getting them out. If you could afford it try helping them of another way so they wont feel as you if you turn your back on them. It best to hurt someones feeling (not intentionally) that ruining your marriage with family problems. Good luck!!
2007-09-26 19:19:22 · answer #9 · answered by Mary J 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I only read your question, and none of the message above...and I don't need to know more than the question itself because I have an immediate answer : NOOOOO !!! Do not ever let your inlaws move in, or ever move in with them, you'll regret it some day. Please, for your own good, for your couple, don't do that.
2007-09-26 18:59:50 · answer #10 · answered by Gwen 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋