Underneath this cold earth
lays a mountain laden with truth
It breaks away
piece by piece
into the worldly craters abyss
It spreads near and far away
with shattered remnants
of earth and clay
twisted souls climb its side
trying to find out when they died
and as we watch
from the land above
mourning for forgotten love
we notice that we are not alone
but standing surrounded
and by friends and by home
and as that mountain punches through
twisting and tumbling towards me and you
a glimpse of light, dappled and faded
warms our two hearts that are weary and jaded
and together we run
as far and as fast
as anyone would to be free at last
by the way it is protected by copyright.
2007-09-26 18:11:37 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
awesome *applauds* and btw, i'm a poet and i don't say this to just anyone, if a think a poem rots, i tell the person.
2007-09-26 18:21:54 · answer #1 · answered by Shadow Lark 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Bravo! A good start, but needs editing into several more drafts for better fluidity and continuity, and then you're there!
Choose more "precise" and "descriptive" adjectives...
"Underneath this cold earth" might be edited to...
"Beneath this frigid earth"
Shorten "mountain" to the more poetic "mount" (you want to streamline cluttered syllables; hence "less is more")
"into the worldly craters abyss" is awkward and unclear in meaning and is an inappropriate double noun.
The two lines...
"and as we watch
from the land above"... can be consolidated into a singular verse... "watching from the land above"... avoid all the "as" and "and" words, use them ONLY if necessary, they tend to chop up fluidity.
"mourning for forgotten love"... the 2 "for's" side-by-side is redundant sounding... it would "sound" better as follows...
"mourning our forgotten loves"
Delete the double preposition in "and by friends and by home" to "by friends and home" for better continuity
Eliminate the pronoun "that" whenever possible, it drags the flow down... hence, "and as that mountain punches through" sounds better streamlined to... "as the great mount burst through"
"warms our two hearts that are weary and jaded" needs to be more concise, eliminate the pronoun "that"... so it reads better as...
"warming our two hearts, weary and jaded"
Also, "we notice that we are not alone" flows better as...
"we sensed our beings weren't alone", which also eliminates the double noun "we" which was redundant
"as far and as fast"... could be better said as... "far flung and fast"
Avoid intransitive verbs like "is", "to be" and "are"... and just jump directly to the action verb...
Expand your vocabulary to incorporate "rich" words into your poetry. Shift from mundane words to opulent poetic words as samples listed below:
FROM: "fast"... TO: "swift"
"ran"... "fled"
"watch"... "peer"
"standing"... "erectly"
"mountain"... "mount"
"trying"... "yearning"
"piece by piece"... "piecemeal"
"surrounded"... "enveloped"
You have a very good "framework", now begins the work... Good job!
2007-09-26 19:59:23 · answer #2 · answered by . 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Good poem,but, and feel free to tell me to screw off, It seemed to lack a consistant structure. It started out free verse, and then some lines rhymed on 1 and 2, and some on 1 and 3. that's just my opinion you clearly know more about poetry than me.
2007-09-26 20:10:22 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Beautiful
2007-09-26 20:48:43 · answer #4 · answered by wisdom 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
good brainstorming but now you need to edit it and clean it up some - I got distracted reading it (but I get distracted easily) -
best thing to do is imagine you have a camera in your hand and you are taking a snapshot - but instead use words.
poetry is not an outpouring of feelings but it's like taking a picture.
your concepts are good, but it's too wordy - you just need to clean it up now.
one phase is brainstorming/writing/creating
next phase is editing/cleaning up
repeat a few times
then you can get the word out.
you'll do fine. keep at it.
2007-09-26 21:10:26 · answer #5 · answered by art_flood 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I think it would be better if you stayed on one path. It seems to twine in and about symbolism, but keeps losing the balance. If you fix it to be one way or the other, I think it would be much better.
...Devi
2007-09-26 18:23:00 · answer #6 · answered by Devi 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I think you're on your way to a career. Move over, Keates.
2007-09-26 18:16:00 · answer #7 · answered by Wile E. 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Really it is very excellent .U r very optimist it is good thing for new generation.Keep working on it .i hope u write moooor for us.GOOOOOD LUCK.
2007-09-26 19:34:30 · answer #8 · answered by Dua 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Good!
2007-09-26 18:21:13 · answer #9 · answered by Mir A 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
its good
2007-09-26 18:21:13 · answer #10 · answered by Megan P 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋