What's the best way to recover after a spouse has been unfaithful?

Question

My long-term boyfriend cheated on me. He had about a 3-4 month affair, and told the woman that he was in love with her. What he did really hit home with me. I think that my boyfriend and I have something so special, so we're still together. I tried ending things with him, but he was very persistant with calling me afterwards and begging for me to take him back. He made it VERY clear that he'd never cheat on me again and that he was sorry. I eventually decided to give him another chance. I feel like I've done all the crying in the world and I've asked him almost every question I could think of regarding the affair, but the pain is still there. I constantly have nightmares about him cheating, and I don't trust him at all. I have all of his passwords for everything so I can keep tabs on him. It's sad that my "perfect" relationship had to come to this. We don't have money for therapy, so what's the best way that we can try and work things out ourselves?Talking doesn't seem to help anymore.

I found out about the affair at the beginning of July, so it has been a while. He's been faithful ever since, or so I believe..

Answer 1

Seems like everyone wants to offer their advise as to whether or not you should stay with the unfaithful one and that wasn't your question.

"There are those who will tell you why it is wise to never forget the pain of the past. . . but if you look closely at the anger, sorrow, and bitterness that has hardened their faces, then you will also see why learning to forgive is the better of the two paths." -Guy Finley

Recovery starts with FORGIVENESS.

Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.

There is nothing that in the end, cannot be forgiven,
but there remains much that is inexcusable.

Forgiving does not mean you will automatically trust them again Forgiveness and trust are two separate issues. Even after forgiveness, it may take a long time to re-build trust, if ever. To instantly trust someone again after they have violated you in some way is not a sign of good mental health or strong self-esteem.

Good luck ~ Mark

Answer 2

Well, the best answer truly is couple therapy. I know you said money was an issue for you, but you may be surprised at what might be available through your county social services for free. Sometimes there are support/therapy groups open to the public. If you have medical insurance, it often covers therapy as well. Not sure of your age, but you may qualify for some county assistance programs as well that would cover therapy. (Medi-Cal or CMSP)
The only other thing, I can think of is books! The public libraries have books on every subject. Maybe there are some therapy books that could be of use for the two of you. Maybe reading them together and just talking about things would help.
Living life constantly wondering if he's being honest, is not the way to live. You will not be happy that way. Even with therapy, it will take a very long time to heal those type of wounds, and it is HIS job to make sure it happens.
Best of luck to you!

Answer 3

I don't think there is a way to recover from betrayal in what you thought was an exclusive, loving relationship. In marriages, only 20% of them survive 2 years even with both in counseling, and both wanting to save it. Of all of my friends over all the the years (I'm 57) none of them survived... None, zero. I think relationships/marriages are Respect, Admiration, Passion and Trust... four biggies, with lots of lovies, kindnesses, consideration, and doing for the other... and as well understanding that sometimes the best either of us can do is just shut the hell up for awhile......but with the passion getting shared with someone else, the trust is in the toilet, along with the other two.."crowded" relationships just don't work very well. Frankly, sweetie, it's over.

When mine did that after an 18 year marriage, I ran, hon. I already knew these statistics, and figured why bother... 'sides the thought of the guy pronging some other female was an image that just made me throw up... there was no saving the Respect nor Admiration... You don't trust him hon. Kiss it adios, and find yourself a faithful man.... you deserve better. We all do. (Oh, and after I left... no, ran.... and got by head back together..... found the prince on Yahoo Personals... we have now been together into our third year, and are going to buy a house together probably in the next few weeks. The ex? oh well. I will always love what we were, and what we had, but what he became is someone I didn't know any more. This is where you are now. Accept that, and get on with your life...

All the best...

Answer 4

By you letting him back in he will cheat on you again that's a given. The only way you should have let him back into your life was if he ask you to marry him and only after you two married would you let him move back in. By him marrying you you two could have started out in a brand new marriage and I think it would have made this whole thing easier for you. If I were you I would give him an ultimatum. Tell him you can't take it anymore you are suffering to much and the pain is unbearable and you can't go on like this any longer. Say something like this to him,If you love me make this right,I don't know how, you need to figure it out for yourself how to make it right again. But for now i need you to move out i need to figure things out away from you: No more questions about the affair by learning more about it it only makes you feel worse doesn't it. When i ask my husband questions about his affair all it did was opened up more questions. One thing that I do not agree on that i have read over and over that some people are saying to you and that is once a cheater always a cheater that isn't always the case some guys do learn their lesson and never will stray again. It's a very small few but they are out there. Boyfriends on the other hand i would say there is nothing stopping them from doing it again they don't have to worry about kids or alimony or being taken to the cleaners by the girlfriend if she leaves or she throws him out for cheating, do you see what i mean.

Answer 5

Well as you said he is a "long term BF" he isn't your spouse- and be thankful that he isn't! He was in love with this other person you stated- so why did he come back to you? Did she dump him? What you two have may have been special at one point but he has "tarnished" it by cheating on you! You will always mis-trust him no matter how long you are together- if you can't talk anymore- than try writing him a letter and say everything you would say in person in the letter, it takes alot of time and alot of space to be able to forgive him- and like I said just be glad you are not married to him!

Answer 6

Infidelity in a relationship is usually a deal-breaker. It's tough to recover from cheating; really if you're the victim or the one cheating.

You just have to ask yourself, are you really ready to give him another chance and extend to him your hand or are you not over it? If you are willing to give him another chance, you have to commit to that idea and give it to him -- put all of the thoughts of the past behind you and work on the future. If you can't do that, then go ahead and split up.

A 3-4 month affair sounds fairly serious. Is this man committed to you long term? Or did things just fail with his other woman and now he's coming back to you? Don't allow yourself to be the second string girl. There's a man out there, who will adore you and put you first in his life. You deserve someone to be devoted to you.

If you love this dude and you believe he wants to be with you, then forgive him and move on. Are you going to forgive him again, if he does it again though? Make these decisions now, there will be less heartache on down the road.

Good luck. (And, if you can't talk about things with him, and talk them out and have him listen to you, and you listen to his side of things and like you said, 'talking doesn't seem to help anymore' then that's not a good sign.) You gotta be able to talk about things and everything and disclose everything to your partner.

Takes a big man to admit his wrongs to you, but usually takes a much stronger woman to forgive.

Answer 7

I had an ex do this to me for 4 yes 4 years!!!!!!!!!!! I'd find out about one girl, he'd lie and somehow put blame on me, and say it wasn't true. I woke up when on Valentine's Day after a few yrs of hearing all kinds of things he had done, I took him out to lunch-my treat, and then he said he had to get to work. So, since it was Valentine's Day, I thought when he got home from work, I'd go over to his place and surprise him. I showed up, he answered the door in his boxers, and wouldn't let me in. He then told me not to get upset because a girl was down in his room and for me to be quiet. I got sooooo angry with him, yet soooo hurt.

It's hard to let go of someone you love, but you MUST break away from him. You will find eventually he'll do it again and again. Until you finally give up and realize you CAN find someone way better. I did. It happens when you least expect it to! Also- I've found if you lose trust in someone you love, it's almost impossible to get it back. I was always nervous my ex was cheating again, never full trusted him after hearing some of the things he had done- even though he denied them.

You are better than him-go find someone better hun!

Answer 8

I wish i had the answers. It is very difficult to get over, it's heart breaking and I really don't think that anyone ever gets over it. It is something that you will always remember and you will always have that lingering question in the back of your mind, if he is late, or has to work late, or what ever. And if you all start arguing you know it is going to be the first thing that you bring up, because it hurt so bad. Even though you have all his passwords, you don't know if he has other accounts and if he doesn't your gonna think he does.
There's nothing that anyone can tell you or give you advice on a broken heart. Sorry.

Answer 9

LOL
i couldn't help but laugh
if he cheats....
no...
when he repeat cheats...
it says more about you then him...
in that...
you have poor judgment skills
you think he can not be replaced
you value yourself less than him
you are an easy mark for a smooth talker since you let him worm his way back in
you fear going out in the dating world and starting up a new
you lack self esteem and wonder how much desired are you by other men...
as if you did have self confidence
you would have left period
but you do not
a confident person knows who he / she is and will never go back to a lesser weaker person, as he / she knows their value to others and does not push a bad position like you did

Answer 10

Though you are not married, there is couples counseling out there for you. Many cities have mental health counseling on a sliding scale; to make this relationship work, you need to look into this. I DO understand what you are going through; you find yourself second-guessing the relationship, as well as dealing with ever trusting him again. He also has to truly earn your trust; the fact that he gave you his passwords is a good start. He wants to be open with you, but you have to ask if this relationship is what you truly want, then go from there. Good luck and God bless.