IHave been with my BF for 21/2 years and living together for 1 year . I just found out 2 weeks ago he cheated on me, I looked trough his phone and I found a text were he was telling the girl the sex was great when can we do it again? I confronted him about it he said he was sorry and cried and said he loved me and didn't want to loose me. He asked if I could forgive him I said yes but I’m not sure I can now. I think I’m starting to fall out of love with him. And I feel sad about that. I need good advice
2007-09-26 10:12:40 · 53 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
If he's really sorry and wants to work to rebuild the trust that he has destroyed, then yes, it can work out. It will take time and it will take effort on BOTH of your parts.
He has to be truly sorry and truly wants to change. That means cutting off all conversation with the girl and focusing on YOUR relationship. That means if you have a question about where he's going or what he's doing, that he answers you. Because it's about re-building the trust, and showing you that he has nothing to hide from you.
On your part, you have to be willing to let the past stay in the past, to not bring it up and beat him over the head with it. I wouldn't recommend asking about details, because there's no point to it. It's in the past, you can't change it, and obsessing about it will only make you more miserable.
Can it be done? Yes. Is it difficult? Yes. Does it take time? Yes - it doesn't happen overnight. It took about two years for us to rebuild our trust, and it took about eight years for me to be able to think about the fact that it happened without hurting.
One final word of advice - after you talk to him about it and the two of you commit to working on your relationship, you're on your "second chance" and if it happens again, walk away without looking back.
Once can be a mistake. Twice isn't.
2007-09-26 10:24:23 · answer #1 · answered by Nandina (Bunny Slipper Goddess) 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My, you do find yourself in a very painful situation. The best thing to do for now is not decide too quickly if you can forgive him. If he truly is sorry then he needs to give you the time to decide and reflect what it will entail for you to forgive and stay in the relationship. Cheating should never be taken lightly and the one that cheats should not expect to be forgiven without some time and thoughts put into it first. Also, if you forgive him too quickly and easily you might be giving him the message that it is ok for him to cheat. Now is the time when action will say more than tears, words and threats of any kind. You tell him something like this, "I thought I could forgive you, and found I do not know if I can. I am not ready to decide if forgiving you is something I am able to do right now. You have betrayed any trust I had in you and I am not sure if I can even see any hope for us. All I can say to you is that I need time to see if the relationship we have will be able to survive after this. It is up to you if you are willing to give me this time, but know that I will give this some serious thought. I do love you and am hurt, but for now I need to do what it in my best interest"...then you or him move out and do not contact him for any reason even if you are tempted. Without a large effect and consequense on what he has done, he will have no incentive to change. Now is the time to set the tears aside and use tough love. If he really is sincere and sorry during this time you will know. Even if you miss him, do not make it easy for him or if you do you run a high risk of him cheating again. Best of luck to you!
2007-09-26 10:30:12 · answer #2 · answered by pictureshygirl 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
In that situation, then I would say no. You know how you feel better than anyone else. In my opinion, if he was truely sorry he wouldn't have asked her to do it again. He's only sorry now because he got caught. But how many times would he have slept with her if you hadn't found out? Did you ask him why he cheated? Was there something missing? Or did he just want her and could deny himself the pleasure? It is a sad situation, but if you're falling out of love with him then you need to really take a look at your relationship. Do you still want him? Do you believe you can really trust him? Talk to him about it as well, he may give you the answer you need.
2007-09-26 10:21:45 · answer #3 · answered by Group836 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think I could forgive something like that to be honest with you. I guess you never know unless faced with the situation. I have been cheated on, however I wasn't with the guy for 2 1/2 years and did not live with him, but you live with him, you are building a life and home with him and he slept with someone else. You have probably lost your trust for him and feel inadequate in his eyes. It is not worth it for you to have to go through this.
If I were you, I would try to spend some time away from him. Move out, and start building a life of your own without him, and see if you miss him after a couple months or if you are feeling better.
I'm sorry you are going through that and I hope everything works out for you.
2007-09-26 10:17:59 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
As someone who was cheated on (by an EX), I'm just not sure you can truly forgive them. Some people can sure, but personally I couldn't. I feel like it's a trust issue, once it's been broken can you ever truly regain it? Would you always wonder what he's doing if he's late, or you can't reach him? Would you always want to scroll through his text messages to see what he's up to? If so, then no, you can't truly regain that. When I went through that, I had to take a hard look at things. I didn't want a relationship with someone I couldn't trust. It is not fair to ether party. a relationship without trust just cannot survive, period. We can't tell you what to do, only YOU know the answer to that. Search your heart and soul sweetie..my heart goes out to you.
Gentle hugs, Lynn
2007-09-26 10:20:16 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
I think it all boils down to whether or not you believe him. Think about it- Would he have stopped seeing her if you would have never found out?
If I were in your position, which I have been, I would take some time apart to think what it is that you want. Get out yourself and have fun with your friends.
If in 2 weeks to a month you both are dying and wondered how you lived with out each other; Then you should give it all you got. If one or both of you is having fun and wondered why you even had a commitment before; then it is time to move on. But, please give your self time.
Finding this out 2 years in to the relationship is nothing compared to 15 years and 3 kids later! Good Luck.
2007-09-26 10:44:38 · answer #6 · answered by Cali Girl 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes you can forgive very easily, but to forget is another matter. I would not make any decisions until he earned your trust back and that takes a long, long, long time to do. Then see how you feel; if you can trust him enough to think of a future together. Ok, though it is unexcuseable, once can be a HUGE mistake, but twice is showing his intent to continue to cheat. Give yourself time to heal, him time to show you he can be trusted and then see if you still love him. I know, in my case, it is a different man I now love; he is not the same man he was before he cheated, because, after all - he was faithful and loyal before and now, though he may treat me wonderfully and love me deeply, he did cheat and he can never take that away. He will never be held in the high esteem I once held him in. Only you can make the decision about if you really love him enough to work on it.
2007-09-26 10:26:56 · answer #7 · answered by pussycat 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you are in a very tough spot. Some people truely are able to forgive and move on with their lifes together. But to truely forgive him you are going to have alot of trust issues to deal with. If he was already planning to meet her again until you caught him then I'd find it hard to believe he will walk the straight and narrow. You have an advantage as you are not married and have no children. This is your desiscion and yours alone to make. No matter what you decide to do if you think it thru and make the decision based on what you want(not what you think you need) then it will be the right desicion for you at this time.
2007-09-26 10:19:45 · answer #8 · answered by hunting4junk 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm truly sorry to hear this, I'm going through the same thing right now. I found out about a month ago my husband had an affair while I was pregnant, our baby is now 2 months. We dated for 5 years and married almost 2. I like you decided to give him another chance. However, I understand what you're feeling. My advice to you is that if you still have feelings for him give yourselves more time, 2 wks is a little. You need more time to accept what he did, time to see if he's really changing, time for him to prove his love for you. Its going to take a very long time, but if you don't want to try to make it work, leave now. Don't waste your time. Your single, i'm assuming you have children. So leave with time you will find someone who truly values you and respects you. Good Luck.
2007-09-26 13:33:31 · answer #9 · answered by Mari 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
30 years old.
I think that there are two different types of cheating. I would be more apt to forgive a one night stand or something purely sexual, than I would a full blown affair with sex plus the emotional attatchment.
It is possible to maintain the relationship (I've done it) but it took counseling. It took a LONG time for me to trust him again. You can forgive, but you never forget. Your relationship can can be OK but it will take a lot of work from both of you. Its up to you to decide if the relationship is worth saving. Good luck!!
2007-09-26 10:25:28 · answer #10 · answered by mrspoppy1004 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋