I wrote this poem.Please tell me what you honestly think ?

Question

Love For The Sea
It seeemed like the hottest day of summer.
As I stand on the jetty I feel the spray
sting my face and eyes.
I thought how much I've missed the sea.
Tides that roar one moment quiet as a lamb the next.
I watch as water forms little pools.
Perched within the jetty snails,starfish and crabs
gracefully spring to life as the current comes in.
This radiates my soul.
The ocean breeze caresses my body.
Taking a deep breath knowing I must leave
as daylight transforms into night.
This has been a good day.
A day full of light.

Answer 1

I love your poem. I think the whole thing should be in first person though. "It seems like the hottest day of summer." "I think how much I've missed the sea."

Also "taking a deep breath"-- it's awkward. How about "sighing, I know I must leave." I inhale deeply, knowing I must leave.

I do think it's quite good, though.

Answer 2

I'm tired of all the honesty, tired of telling people the work they poured their heart into is not good poetry, tired of hurting feelings because people want honest answers. I think I'll do like many others, and just tell everyone how wonderful they are, and how they should be published, and how they should enter the poetry contests and win the big bucks. Nawwwww, poetry.com already does that, I'll just keep telling the truth, and when it's bad, I'll say it's bad, just like always.
Have you figured where I'm going with this? Naw, it ain't terrible, actually it's pretty good, you just need to work on the rhythm/meter a little. Get it to flow, read it aloud and make the words roll off your tongue in fluid motion. You've got the poem to do it with, Every change you make, read it again all the way through to make sure the change fits, and do it aloud. It has a much different sound read aloud than silently. You did good, now do it better.

edit:
Brief my foot! Hallmark cards are brief. Real poetry says something, it tells a story, it has a beginning a middle and an end. 20 lines is brief, not 8 or 10, even a sonnet has 14. Forget brief unless you are doing greeting cards for people with A.D.D.

Answer 3

great start but it needs to be cleaned up -
it's too wordy always think brief..

steaming summer spray
stinging my eyes, while I stand on the jetty
how I've missed the see
tides roaring a quiet roar
as one lamb to the next
water swirling in little pools
watching the snails, starfish and crabs
ocean breezes touch me
I touch the breeze back, but it's gone.

this isn't perfect - it's just an example of what you can do with this.

if you use this, please give me credit as co-author.


best thing to do is imagine you have a camera in your hand and you are taking a snapshot - but instead use words.

it just takes more experience. but you are on your way to being a good poet.

Answer 4

You changed tense in the beginning; change that. The "this radiates my soul" seems kind of unoriginal, even though some people might think it's descriptive. The last two lines are too general; use something better than "good".

Answer 5

it is a good idea, just go back through it and find synonmns to improve the description. example: i watched as the water forms little pools could be changed

Answer 6

I'll rate it a 7.5/10. Work on it a little more and I'm sure it'll be great.
=]

Answer 7

VERY GOOD DESCRIPTION, that would rack up the major points on my scoring, but what about the rhythm?

Answer 8

i got a good picture in my head as i read that. i liked it, it was pretty simple but still expressed a lot of meaning

Answer 9

Nice poem!

Answer 10

I enjoyed your poem very much :-)