My husband/father of 2 children and i moved back in together a year ago. During our 3 year break-up he has made new female friends (2 in particular). He still continues to have conversations with them as they call him and he returns the calls. I told him in the begining that the friendships needed to be incorporated and still a year later and I do not personally know the 2 women and it makes me feel angry that he continues having conversations with them and has actually been out with them without telling me cause he knew i would get upset. I dont understand why i cant be included in these friendships. Basically i am looking for advise as to if my feelings of resentlment / jealously are valid. And also....
Is it fair to ask him to cut the cord?.....Should I call these specific 2 women and have a heart to heart talk with them stating that it is causing problems and out of respect would appreciate that they not continue having conversations w him unless they come to our house
2007-09-26 06:42:04 · 24 answers · asked by Flaca 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Ha! Respect. Like he has for you huh? The 'problem' isn't with the two broads whom he may very well be dallying around with. Funny thing is he's just saved a mint on child support by moving back in with you, can still get a piece from you when he feels like it and still gets fed and his laundry done. Plus...he has two additional women on the side. How come I was never blessed in this manner?
So forget 'talking' with the two playthings. Your issue lies with him and him alone. There had to have been a real good reason as to why you stayed apart for 3 years. Guess you should have stuck with it as your initial decision to seperate was a wise one. None to smart to return though. I'm afraid you get no points in my book for that play.
2007-09-26 06:50:53 · answer #1 · answered by Quasimodo 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, I applaud you for asking him to incorporate the friendships because most people wouldn't even consider that before telling him to drop them.
Since the friendships began while you two were on a trial separation they have probably grown to dislike you without even taking the time to get to know you. He probably spilled all of the issues you two were having to them and they have formed negative opinions based on HIS SIDE of the story. Because of this I'm sure he is hesitant to incorporate the friendships for fear of 1. You and them not getting along. 2. Them finding out the whole truth and not really caring for him anymore.
That being said, if you have been persistent in trying to get HIM to incorporate the friendships then it is up to you now. You should call them up and invite them over or invite them to go out or something. If your husband gets upset because you went over his head tell him "Well since you won't drop them and you've had a year to arrange this and failed to do so I had to take matters into my own hands"
Don't call them up and request that they cut off contact with him because that will just add fuel to their fire- then they will know that what they are doing is bothering you. They will know how to get under your skin and that is the last thing that you want!
2007-09-26 06:56:29 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
You absolutely have a right to be upset. This isn't about jealousy, it's about respect. When you are married, there should be no secrets that involve members of the opposite sex. He is not respecting you right now, and you know that. I think you made a great point saying that you wanted to incorporate the friendships. There's no reason he can't have female friends...but you have EVERY right to be involved in those friendships. Don't back down, you're right on this one.
2007-09-26 06:55:10 · answer #3 · answered by Mel 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It is not fair or acceptable to ask him to cut the cord. You would never have given this a second thought if they had been men. You have a double standard for your husband. Not good. Do not call them on your own to have a heart to heart. You will end up in a huge fight with your husband and these women will most likely think your just a controlling and mistrustful woman. I do think he need to introduce you to his friends and you should be invited to hang out when he's hanging with them. It should not be just because they are women though. If you never hang out with his guy friends then it would be crazy that you only do it with his female friends.
2007-09-26 06:51:13 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Be upfront with your husband that these other relationships are causing you feelings of resentment/jealousy. Whether the feelings are right or wrong you have them, you need to deal with them. When you decided to move back in together it may have felt okay for him to have these relationships, but at this time, you are feeling some insecurity about the relationships because you are not included in them. He needs to know your feelings as of today, and you need to work out a compromise.
2007-09-26 06:58:01 · answer #5 · answered by SweetGGirl 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would not suggest approaching them, because it will just make your relationship worse.
Sit your husband down and tell him that after a three year separation he does not appear to be willing to be honest and make your marriage work.
It is one thing for him to have female friends, but quite another for him to keep them hidden from you. If he has nothing to hide then you want to meet them. Otherwise he needs to move back out and it is time to file for divorce. Because then there must be a reason for these two women to be kept away from you and it cannot be good.
Take care,
Troy
2007-09-26 06:57:55 · answer #6 · answered by tiuliucci 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Jealousy is normal and you are aloud to have that in a relationship. You also have to have trust, if you trust him there shouldnt be an issue, but at the same time he shouldnt be hiding it from you if he is going out with these girls. If there is nothing to hide then he should be open to talk about it and you should be able to meet these girls, maybe lunch with all of you or something. I dont recommend phoning them, you are going to stir up more issues then you already have.
He should stop the phone calls on a regular basis, would he like it if you were doing the same? he has to look at things from your point of veiw to get what you are saying...
2007-09-26 06:49:02 · answer #7 · answered by louie 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋
To me, it's very suspicious that he won't involve you in the friendship. If it was completely innocent, then he would. I would have a serious talk with him and say "If these women are so important in your life, then it's only right that they meet the #1 woman in your life. I want to get to know them if they are important to you. And if you DON'T want me to have a friendship with them, then I have to assume there is something going on because why else would you be keeping me from them so strategically?"
2007-09-26 06:48:11 · answer #8 · answered by bestadvicechick 6 · 4⤊ 0⤋
He thinks he is a player. Your totally normal, but I bet he wants you to think your not normal and he's probably throwing a fit because of your "jealousy" He wants you to feel stupid and wants you to think your feelings are not valid.
I would leave him, but then thats just how I am. You did without him for 3 yrs, you can do without him a lot longer if thats the way he wants to play the game.
2007-09-26 06:58:18 · answer #9 · answered by happydawg 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I have no problems with opposite sex friends, but when he's being sneaky and not involving you--after you specifically asked--that's just no good. My fiance has a female friend he's known for 20 years. We're going to visit her next month for a few days--that's normal. Sneaking around isn't.
2007-09-26 07:37:20 · answer #10 · answered by melouofs 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋