After 23 years of marriage he has decided he does not want to be married any more. At first he had no complaints against me just needed freedom. Of course now he has some but whatever. For the last 2.5 months he has said he wanted to continue our physical relationship after the divorce (yes sex) have all our holidays and family vacations together and also wants us to have family dinners just like before. The thing is, is that he has been abusive (verbal and physical) so I know that I needed a change. But last week some major things happened with him (now he says he wishes he loved me as much as he loves his sister) and then I end up calling him and just sounding pathetic like I have to have HIM. Second, what is he doing with still wanting to do so much together and continue our lives like usual?? Of course it is the things he calls the shots on. Because he went out of state with one child and lied about it and did not ask the other to go. What am I missing? or am I just needing to heal
2007-09-26 05:13:45 · 13 answers · asked by just me 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You need to cut off all types of communication from him except in the case of the children.
He is using you.
You need to spend this time getting to know yourself again. You need to 2 lists:
10 things that you like to do
10 things that you want to try
Each week you must do one of the things on the list. You need to have some YOU time to realize that you are a strong, intelligent and capable woman that can handle anything.
It usually takes at least a year to get over this and move on. I worked really hard at this myself and now 6 years later I am engaged to a wonderful MAN (no more boys for me) and have a great sense of myself and what I want.
Good Luck and take care of yourself.
2007-09-26 05:21:48 · answer #1 · answered by Tadpoler 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Divorce is a process. It is important that you both realize that divorce is divorce... an ending. Twenty three years is a really long time and will take a bit of time to get readjusted to life apart.
Since you have decided that divorce is the thing to do....... do it. Don't go back and forth with him after the divorce. NO SEX EVER AGAIN with him.
How could you EVER move on if your still stuck with him? No way... he wants to leave so let him, ALL of him. None of this lingering around sniffing after you still.
You go out on a date with anyoneeee. Just go out. Get started on your new life without him.
When he calls you for sex, tell him... "I can't, I just started dating a guy, and I am moving on. This is what you wanted, so this is what you got. I am making a new life for myself, and it does not include you anymore. Unless you need to speak to me about the kids, I have to go."
The only thing you have in common now is the kids. Limit your conversations and contact with each other to JUST that.
2007-09-26 12:22:24 · answer #2 · answered by pink 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
23 years, thats a hard pill to swallow. But like medicine you know if you swallow it you'll feel better. You or your children don't deserve to be around any kind of abuse. If your done (find the strength somewhere) than be done. Divorce can be friendly but you can't ever get away from him if you are still giving him a little ever now and then. He's still trying to control you. Consider divorce to be the best blessing of all. You can move on, it won't be easy but you've probably be doing it without him for longer than you realize. The whole sister comment is just weird...tell him you think you hear banjo music. You'll be a happy, better person without him.
2007-09-26 12:22:16 · answer #3 · answered by nellie 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
sounds like you have alot going on and i think it is perfectly natural to be wishy-washy after 23 years of marriage... so lets try and do some math here... assuming of course that you were about 25 or so when you married that puts him at approximately 48 years old... a man that comes to this age sometimes will go through an identity crisis. they fear they have wasted their life and are thinking that they have missed out on so much.... but the truth is, they haven't... i think he wants some freedom but he is not willing to give up the relationship with you... i would just sit him down and say..." i want you to think long and hard about this... because if we go through with the divorce you will have to find your sex and holiday companionship with someone else because i doubt very much the new man in my life will be very excepting of me being the one...." i know it sounds aloof, but you read every day about the 40's being the new 20's and i am sure you remember fondly your 20's....
good luck!!
2007-09-26 12:25:31 · answer #4 · answered by Jeanette 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your soon-to-be-ex husband wants to keep you without maintenance and have some other women, too. He wants to control you at least until he finds someone else to control.
You need to stop talking to him and sign the divorce papers. No benefits for him! If you know what I mean.
Once the divorce is final...he needs to say "bye-bye" to family vacation and holidays with you. He doesn't want to be part of your life anymore. He doesn't get to call the shots with regard to your life anymore.
You need to get your self-esteem and self-confidence back and realize you do not deserve to be physically or verbally abused. You do not answer to him once the divorce is final. He lives his life and you live yours. Period. End of relationship.
Good luck! And stand your ground! Do not let this man jerk you around anymore! Be strong, sister!
2007-09-26 12:22:00 · answer #5 · answered by Loves the Ponies 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He abuses you, he has divorced you, and he still wants to screw you. Well, he is screwing you in more ways then one. YES, you're going to need time to heal. Find yourself, spend time with your children, forget him and gettng back together. He wants to do all that so he can still have ahold of your heart, but not really be married. You will still be committed to him, but he doesn't HAVE to be to you because you're not married anymore. And "he wishes he could love you like he loves his sister", what the heck does that mean? As in friend wise or what?????????? I don't understand. NO ONE has the right to touch you in ANY harmful way, and you need to get and stay as far away from him as possible. If he wanted to be a family, he should've thought of that before.
2007-09-26 12:25:26 · answer #6 · answered by Ginger 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Tell him that he wanted this divorce and that he can have it. Tell him that after twenty three years, you deserve better than this, because you do. There are so many men out there, don't settle.
He wanted this and he can't have his cake and eat it too. It sounds like he wants to be out in the world and have sex with other people, but he wants to have sex with you so that you aren't out looking for it with someone else. It's all about control. He wants a divorce but he's not ready for you to move on, don't play his game.
That is not healthy for you. It leaves you with hope that your husband still loves you, he obviously does not. That is a hard pill to swallow. It also opens the door for him to bring some STD's to you. Stay away from him. He sounds like a dirty old man and he has no heart. Karma will take care of him. Stay away from him honey. You are free to email me anytime that you want to. There are lots of people out in this great big world, so many that you don't have to waste your time on the yucky ones like him.
Start healing. Take time to figure out what you want to do from here and tell him to bug off. He's worthless. Good luck and try to relax. Get him out of your life. Take a trip.
2007-09-26 12:27:02 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
instead of going on and on with this crap make a clean break. period. He wants the best of both worlds and you...and I find this amazing....can't seem to decide whether or not you want to concede.
You'll never have a new life if you keep him anywhere around you in that manner. If you do....you'll still live the life you had before and be miserable. He'll stop by for his dinners and to knock off a piece on occasion. The term "I need space" or "I need my freedom" means "I'm screwing around and quite frankly it's gettng to be more and more of an effort on my part to screw her and keep it hidden from you".
But...its always fun to blame the blameless for your faults of your own.
Dump him and move on or suffer with the knowledge you could have but failed.
2007-09-26 12:20:45 · answer #8 · answered by Quasimodo 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
The short answer - he want's his cake and to eat it to - ie. the freedom of divorce with the security of you at his beck and call. You need to decide if that's the type of relationship you want or force a choice - a clean break or a sincere commitment to the family and marriage. Period!
2007-09-26 12:38:00 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
He sounds very confused. I wouldn't be able to listen to anything he said.....look at it this way maybe.....he hits you, yells at you and says mean things....doesn't want to be married to you, however he wants to still have sex with you, spend holidays with you, go on your vacations, and loves his sister more....it sounds like he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship with you, he doesn't love you however he wants to make certain no one else can have you. This is a crazy maker set up. There really is a condition call a crazy maker....also known as a narcissist. Run from this guy...this sounds really sick to me.
2007-09-26 12:24:17 · answer #10 · answered by Kaboom 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋