Should I give them one last chance?

Question

Being a psychologist, people expect us to be able to deal with our problems easily, but applying our own advice to our problems is sometimes hard. My long time friends (since elementary) have never accepted my husband. Since I met him, they have not done the slightest effort to get to know him. He is from a different country and that seemed to set them back from the get go. He is compassionate, funny, outgoing, wealthy and you can tell he really loves me. Shouldn't they be happy for me? I feel like I can't count on them for anything. Now I never attend any events where they might be because I feel like I'm exposing myself to get hurt again and again, but they think I'm just not interested in them. I have tried for over 1 year to keep them close and to have them as friends but they have disappointed me again and again. I already tried telling them about my disappointment, and they have done nothing. Should I sit down with them and let them know that I am still hurt and disappointed?

Answer 1

When I married my husband, some of my friends approved of him and some didn't. I didn't worry about it very much because I knew I loved him and knew that we had the kind of relationship I had always dreamed of having with him. He is my best friend, my partner, my love. As for my so called friends who didn't give him a chance, (I think really they are a bit jealous) I didn't let bother me much. I let them go...the proverbial saying...if you love something, set it free, if it comes back it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was....I let it apply here and some came around and others didn't. My husband and I have made many friends together, we built and still are building a life of our own. It is a great adventure we are having together and for those "friends" who didn't care to share in our adventure....it is their loss. You have found love, someone who loves you enough to want to spend every day with you, yes you, for the rest of your life. What better gift can life bring to you? You are lucky and so am I. Move forward and be happy.

Answer 2

Christ almight Doc...the answer is simple and I'm not even a shrink. Lose the 'friends'. Think about it...if they can act this way then I guess they really weren't such great pals to begin with were they?
In addition why do you find it necessary to look for approval and acceptance from these people when you're more than satisfied with your choice of husband? Is it to reaffirm some deep and hidden doubts you may have about your decisions in making a choice? I doubt it quite frankly.
Never depend upon friends for approval of anything Doc. Its you and hubby in this world. Sometimes even family will disappoint but all that matters is that the two of you love one another and meld well together.
As far as these 'friends' go....screw it. people like that are a dime a dozen. Just let them slip away from your lives. Excess baggage anyway.

Answer 3

I was friends with a group of people for over 10 years. When my husband and I separated, he took ownership of them.

Of course, I was beyond devastated because I was really out on my own, without the people I had counted on as friends.

Those people were not my friends. Your "friends" are not really your friends either. They have just become people you've known for a long time. My advice to you is to move on. It's hard to let go at first but worth it to find others who share your interests and will remain available to you.

I now have a wonderful husband and plenty of "new" people in my life who are really friends. The hurt is just a thing of the past. You can conquer this mountain! Good luck.

Answer 4

there is no need for a sit down unless you have something to tell them that you already haven't. if you have nothing new to say, why bother. you have already told them how you feel and they have not responded. Do not alter your life and what you want to do (going to events) just because they might be there. you are all adults and should be able to do the things you want to. i know they have been friends for along time, but this man is your husband and your life now. if they cannot respect that, or him, then maybe it's time to let them go. a friend is not really a friend if they do not support you. no matter how long they have been around.

Answer 5

I believe so.
Also make it clear to them that the friendship cannot continue this way.
They either need to accept your husband (or at least give him a chance). You two are a package now (sorry for the bad phraze) and if they want to be your friends they should accept your husband or at least tolerate him.
I came from a different country and different culture, been in the US for 12 years and to this day it is amazing to me how people become cruel and unaccepting of someone from a different culture when they dont understand it.
The only other alternative is to stop being friends with them. I know it is not the best choice and certainly not the most pleasant choice but those are your only options.

Good Luck.

Answer 6

I think that would be a good start, but you also need to stop avoiding them. How are they ever going to get to know your husband, if you never bring him around? They may have misconceptions about him, and it may take a while for them to warm up to him, but isolating yourself from them has actually confirmed their negative feelings towards him. They probably think that because of him, you don't want to come around anymore. Prove them wrong and start showing up to their functions with your husband with you. Let them get to know the great person you know he is.
I would start by having a sit down and clearing the air. You should assure them that you still want them in your life and that you are going to make an effort to be a better friend to them, and they should agree to have an open mind when it comes to your husband. If they are truly your friends, they should at least agree to give him a chance before they decide to hate him.

Answer 7

Yes, I think you should give them one last chance to explain WHY they don't care for your husband. They must have reasons. Maybe they are being overly judgmental or maybe they see something in him you are blinded to.

One of my closest friends has an abusive and ignorant husband, that I hate. So her and I didn't speak for a while. We are speaking again and we both know that I am not going to be around him as much as I can help it. Which makes things very hard. It would be nice if we were one big happy family, but that's not reality. She knows and excepts that I will not forgive him for his abusive ways and I didn't choose to marry him so I don't have to. So if I choose to be friends with her I have to deal with the occasional reference to him,etc. But I refuse to be pulled into the drama.

I am not saying your husband is abusive. My point is that we all have choices to make. You have to consider WHY they feel this way,if you can deal with their feelings and still be their friend. They have to re-consider your husband and step back to see if they are being unreasonable. They have to choose whether to stay your friend too.

If they trouble you so much and you are happy with your man than move on and let them go.

Answer 8

I think you have the right idea. Sit down and tell them how much they have hurt you and how you feel as if it is driving a wedge between your friendship. I just have to caution you though. Is there any possibility that perhaps they see something in your husband that you don't? It is easy to become lost in love... Find out exactly why they feel the way they do and try to go from there. Good Luck!

Answer 9

I would be really blunt about it, the time for diplomacy is over. Sit them all down and say look I love my husband he is a part of my life I care you all of you greatly but if you cannot accept my husband then you can't accept me or be part of my life, because a true friend would know your behavior hurts me. and then give them the chance to say good bye or stick around. This way its like ripping off a bandaide if they're jerks then it will hurt like hell once instead of multiple stings when they act up socially

Answer 10

Yes ,I think you should sit down with them and tell them just what you said on here. Also , I know I would not be friends with someone who could not accept my husband.