If you were married for 10 years and just found out that your husband might not want to have children?

Question

What would you do? We had 2 miscarriages 8 years ago and kind of have put off trying again. I'm 30 now and and ready to try. He says he's not sure if he wants kids then says okay lets have one. Five minutes later he's saying how all a kid will do is make him have to work longer and have less money. He's also made remarks about childcare cost and then says but let's have one after he has made all these excuses not to! Okay, I'm not stupid, so I'm not going to just have one with him feeling this way. I'm just crushed b/c I thought we would have at least one some day. I really didn't think he would feel this way and am kind of confused since we have been married so long. When I am around him now I feel different?? Does this make sense? Anyone have any advise?

Answer 1

After my wife's miscarriage I struggles with this myself. I was fearful that I would have to go threw the pain of losing a child and/or my wife if we tried again. It took me a long time to work this out, since I didn't talk to anyone about it. I am a man after all, so I shouldn't feel like this..... ;)

He may be looking for excuses to not have kids (bringing up childcare cost etc), but in reality he is just scared of it. Since he is going back and forth on the issue, it make me think this is the case even more.

Perhaps a good chat with a councilor would help him work out his fears.

Answer 2

Sounds like you 2 need some counseling about this situation. It is a safe place for the 2 of you to talk your feelings out. All the excuses he is giving you are very true and scary. Did you ever think of he might still be affected by those 2 miscarriages. He had to deal with losing 2 babies plus see his wife suffer 2 times he had double the pain each time. And since he had to be strong for you he probably never fully dealt with it.

Try the counseling and if money is a factor, find a way to work it out. Maybe a baby right now isn't the best time, you still have another 4 or 5 years before you are at risk for those birth defects.

Before you bring a child into the world make sure its what the 2 of you want and that your marraige is "solid".

Hope this helps

Answer 3

You both need to do a lot of soul searching and talking to each other. He may be hesitant because of the miscarriages (miscarriages are so very hard emotionally and he may not have sufficiently dealt with that hurt). You are right to be confused because you thought that "eventually" there would be at least one child in your lives and now he suddenly says maybe not. But communication is the best thing for you two right now. If you can't figure it out together, contact your priest or pastor or a local marriage counselor for help. Good luck and God Bless.

Answer 4

Seems like he has been having trouble dealing with the prior miscarriages. It sounds like he is trying to protect his heart from more disappointment and pain. He makes valid reasons to not want kids and it is his right and privilege to change his mind. BUT, I have a feeling that he is just scared at the prospect of another miscarriage.

The best advice I can give it for both of you to go to a doctor and get a healthy all clear. Perhaps one or two therapy sessions to cope with loss. And then talk about the prospect of having a baby.

Answer 5

I would feel crushed if I were in your shoes, too. He apparently did want children earlier in the marriage, when you suffered the miscarriages? Or were they unplanned? Maybe he is haunted by the pain of those losses, I don't know. You absolutely have to sit down and tell him how much you are hurt by the prospect of never having children, especially if it was something discussed early in your relationship and now he has changed his mind. But you are very wise to realize that it's not a good idea to get pregnant with him currently waffling the way he is. I wish I had more of an answer for you, I feel for your hurt. Best of luck to you.

Answer 6

Maybe he is just worried. You have had miscarriages before and is trying to save you and him from disappointment. I'm sure the miscarriages affect him to. Maybe after 10 years and miscarriages his views on children have changed. He says okay because again he doesn't want to disappoint you. Sit down and talk with him. Ask him why his decision for children has changed. Ask him if he is worried about miscarriages or if he has just changed his mind. Tell him how you are disappointed. You need to sit down and talk to him and find out why. Communication is the key.

Answer 7

He may just be scared to try again because of all the pain from 2 miscarriages. Just make sure he knows you felt the same pain he did and you will always have each other but children are a reflection of your love. Maybe that will help. Good Luck.

Answer 8

find a good friend with young kids bring 1 or two home , let him see how much fun they can be but make sure ther good . maybe even take them out over the wk end if poss.He may still be nervous about the whole mis and not want problem again . Another thing is to adopt if possible, also get to neighbor hood kids , treat them right and help bring them along you can both be parents to a thousand that way by helping others

Answer 9

you would be stunned how adaptive babies could be as long because of the fact the adults are mature in the placement. of course this works perfect while the two spouses are in settlement over divorcing. it may take some re-inforcing until now each and every thing to ascertain and do away with any guilt they could sense ( which babies in many situations unnecessarily do ) while the cut up happens even nonetheless that is extremely conquer while the two adults placed their efforts into it. regrettably.........your husband sounds something yet mature and it seems such as you're able to think of of your self first. As they grow old and your difficulty remains the comparable, your babies will view what they see as what life could be. Is it extra useful that they see an unhappy mom in a bad relationship that accepts it ( faster or later, even nonetheless they won't totally understand what they see, they're going to be responsive to somethings incorrect and sense the stress) or a woman that had the braveness to alter issues for no longer in basic terms her own sake yet for theirs as properly? actual, i might think of he's the only that desires help, you sound wonderful and only could return to that end your self. stable success!

Answer 10

Being male, I went through the exact same thing with my missus.

I was torn with giving her what she wanted (a kid) and maintaining my life and financial independance.

Go easy on him - it is a big decision for him as well as you and unlike women we men generally have not been bought up wanting and needing kids.

Allow him some time to sort his thoughts out without pressure and talk from there.