why does my grown up daughter put up with all this?

Question

all through my marriage my ex husband abused me & my 2 children. He is very contolling. it's been 6 yrs that i finally left him. my daughter always complains to me that he goes to her house everyday & makes himself at home. he takes off his pants as soon as he walks in her house. she lives with her husband..they are both sycsofranic..i don't know the spelling. he takes advantage of both. she always says she'll take him to court but never does. i try to help but its a lost cause. i have my own life. she is 36 & always has been under his control. he's not well in his mind. i love my daughter.. my son stays away..he never helps me nor his sister. infact he's for his dad. my son is married& never visits me nor my daughter. my daughter goes with her dad to visit her brother. she doesn't like to ride with her dad but she misses her brother.. plz help!! at least i tried to help her & will always be here for her. i'd like to see him pay for all that he's done. its up to her

Answer 1

You answered it yourself when you said "it's up to her". I know you want to help,it's just what Moms do,I was in a very similar situation but both of my kids "woke up" and saw him for what he is,now they have nothing to do with him. Give her time to figure it out for herself.

Answer 2

Oh, for goodness sake.. Your daughter is 36 years old..
If she can't kick her own no-pants-wearing father out of her own house, then she should take an assertiveness course. If she doesn't, it's not up to you now. I know, as a mother, you feel responsible...but it's not your fault he's a nut-nut. As for your son, isn't is quite the conundrum you have with that situation. Why no visits? Is he mad that you left dad all alone?
As a mother, you need to adress this issue with him, and have open dialogue, with an earnest attempt to truly understand his feelings. Maybe then he'll start coming around you again. Are you and daughter so meek and mired down by others, that you cannot begin to put limits within your relationships. Or demand answers from a son who has (seemingly) abandoned you... maybe you wont like their answers or reactions.. oh, well, thats life. Take charge, be respectful, but be firm. Stop complaining and start working toward a solution. GL.

Answer 3

We end up doing what we know. She saw you take it and she is going along with it. She is an adult now and has to set the limits. You can't do it for her. Perhaps she and her husband can say "no" together. Perhaps she can consider moving with no forwarding address. Her brother learned from his father. There is little you can do. Each of us has to finally decide what we are going to do. We tend to do what we know. Other ways of doing things are scary, but in this case could be a lot better. Your daughter might want to consider going to a battered women's center to get ideas here. Even though it is her father, she is being abused here.

Answer 4

Domestic violence & the controlling actions associated with them are learned. It is a vicious circle as children learn from their parents. Through all the years you were married, your children have been taught what relationships are like.
Your daughter is submissive just as she saw her mother submissive while she was growing up. Your son learned from his father how a man treats a woman. To them, this is "normal" behavior.
Not to lay blame on you. You did what you had to until you were strong enough to get out. Keep encouraging her & supporting her until she is strong enough to get over. Your son is likely a lost cause until he has some counselling.

Answer 5

She doesn't have to take him to court, she can call the cops the next time he goes over to the house and refuses to leave. Then, she can get a restraining order on him and if he does it again, he will go to jail. The deal with her relationship with her father and brother might be better dealt with by going to counseling, especially since she already has a condition.

Answer 6

I hate to say this, but you, Mom, can't do anything now. You did what you had to do when you got them OUT of that situation, and if she chooses to allow this to happen, there's not a thing you can do. Some day she'll get tired of it, or mature to a level that she can put him in his place. In the meantime, all you can do is be supportive of her. Let her know you care. She's a big girl now, and unfortunately, she has to make her own way by trial and error. Either way, she learns a valuable lesson.

Answer 7

My mom dealt with some thing like this while she have been given remarried. My mothers and fathers had already been divorced for some years while she remarried so it grow to be no longer no longer project-free for us to settle for, yet her new husband had in basic terms been widowed for a quick time. His babies have been already grown, maximum with babies of their own, yet i think of they needed extra time to conform with the placement. enormously because my mom grow to be a techniques under information. Her husband were married to his first spouse for 40 years. that is not significant how old the babies are. only because you're an person it does no longer propose you do no longer desire your mothers and fathers. you do no longer say how long you have been with this guy. i be responsive to it style of feels no longer project-free yet attempt to furnish her as plenty time as you may to alter and in case you grew up with 2 mothers and fathers who have been mutually your finished life that is not project-free to narrate to what she is feeling. she will have the flexibility to be extra accepting in time, yet like something, in case you push it with the two of them, it is going to blow up on your face.

Answer 8

try a restraining order, or take him to court. img lad you know better and got out of it, which is more than i can say for most women. since shes not doing anything you should take him to court and get your lawyer that worked with you on the divorce involved. talk to them they deal with this kinds of stuff all the time

Answer 9

You can't change her. You can encourage her to stand up for herself, but she is an adult and it is up to her. Get some counseling for yourself. Read the book co dependent no more. Its good reading for people who let others control them.

Answer 10

"its up to her" kinda is the answer.


but in all honestly, you cant get mad at her for something like that.

She keeps saying she will do something about it...and it may take a loooong time to do it, but someday, maybe she will.

Someone that waited 6 years to get their children away from a man like that should understand this.