My husband of 10 years and I broke up 11 months ago. I tried to keep things quiet, thinking we'd be reconciling, but he went straight to our mutual friends and blabbed out his side of the story. Now these mutual friends, who have been my friends from grade school, have decided they're all mad at me and the way I left. They don't call me anymore. They don't see how I'm doing. When I had my baby (I was pregnant when I left my husband), they came to see the baby, but that was about it. I left due to emotional abuse. My husband says that he understands he was not a great husband and he knows he was in the wrong, but he won't tell anyone else this. The friends have all been upset with me because apparently the way I left was really wrong. They completely dismiss the fact that my husband abused me and side with him because I packed up my son and went to a Women's shelter.
I recognize these are not true friends, but Lordy does it ever hurt. Can anyone relate?
2007-09-24 14:45:25 · 17 answers · asked by Shannon H 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
When I left my ex-husband almost eight years ago - I lost both of my best friends (one of which had been my best friend since high school - and my ex had always hated)...my ex would call them all the time telling him how I was breaking his heart and how much he wanted me back (it did not matter to him or them that we had been having problems for along time)- they both knew about the problems and it still did not matter....One of my friends went as far as spying on me and taking information back to him after he and I had seperated. It hurt and I was devestated for along time, and then something happened - I found new friends people who truly cared about me and I am happier now then I ever was - with my new friends and my new husband (who does not manipulate me or my friends). Keep your chin up - it will get better. :-)
2007-09-24 14:56:16 · answer #1 · answered by drunkenpupil 1 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Usually, abusive guys like this can be very charming and manipulative. So, don't fault your friends TOO much, although they should know you well enough to know that you wouldn't leave your husband while you're pregnant unless the conditions were dire. They should also stay far away from taking sides in personal matters, so you can blame them a little. It's my feeling that they will come around, and when they do, forgive them; after all, you were taken by this man's charm at one point as well. Perhaps he told them things that weren't true to try to hurt you even more.
That said, you need a good circle of support, and the new friends you make at the women's shelter will provide that. These women know exactly what you're going through. I'm not sure of your religious views, but churches are a great way to meet supportive people as well, even if you aren't all that religious (don't tell them that). You can simply go for the human contact, and to make new good friends.
2007-09-24 22:02:53 · answer #2 · answered by CW 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds to me like your husband wanted to be the "victim" in the relationship. To the friends you really care about keeping, I'd let them know what really happened in your marriage and if they're really your friends, they'll understand. Usually, the person that's wrong likes to run to all of the mutual friends and tell his/her distorted side to make it appear that he/she is the victim. You were the bigger person to not say anything at first but, it's time to stand up for yourself and then let it go. If the friends don't come back, they weren't true friends anyway. Time is the best healer and you need to concentrate on being a good mom to your child and take care of yourself. Good luck.
2007-09-24 21:58:31 · answer #3 · answered by doglover 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Not to the degree that you are dealing with it. When my now ex decided that the marriage was over (before telling me) all his friends were led to believe what a bi*** I was. Also his mom and step dad sided with him. I was more upset by this than anything. However has time went by he showed his "true" colors to everyone including mom & step dad. They now don't have alot of use for him since he spends almost no time with our child. People will come around and he has done exactly what he wanted to do, make himself look like the person wronged in the relationship. Give it time, unfortunately you didn't get a chance to share your side of the story. Good luck and don't take him back....ever!
2007-09-24 21:52:59 · answer #4 · answered by Kathleen M 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
A lot of men are emotionally abusive & don't even reallize they are. If your "friends" won't or don't want to hear your side of the story then they are not your true friends like you said. Maybe you could find support from other women in the shelter or new friends. Good Luck.
2007-09-24 21:50:32 · answer #5 · answered by KatieJ 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I can relate and obviously they were not your friends to begin with.. I am glad that you left that situation for no one needs to be in that and exspecially the child... I would just move on and make some real friends and if they choose not to chat with you or listen to your side then the heck with them and worry about your children and yourself.. You will find the right people... focus on yourself and the children..... good luck... some men are just losers and have no respect for woman and they don't deserve a good woman so let him find someone else and she may treat him like he treated you.... I believe in Karma.. what goes around comes around......
2007-09-24 21:51:03 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Him going to your friends is just another facet of the emotional abuse he's heaped on you. By not turning to your "friends" for support, you may have appeared ashamed of your actions. It's honorable that you chose not to air your family troubles in public, but you could use the support of a few good friends. Seek some out. And congratulations for having the courage to get yourself and your son out of a tragic situation.
2007-09-24 21:52:58 · answer #7 · answered by lfh1213 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
in-laws are especially good at that vile behaviour. My husband is emotionally abusive. all i get from his mother is excuses for him and reasons to blame me. she put up with it for decades from his father so she thinks i have to.
the frustration of trying to make sense to these people is overwhelming!!
Your strength of character is a threat to them, they can't relate to you. that's why they have abandoned you. I can imagine how much it hurts knowing you went through childhood together and you should have rightful custody of your friends. so there are numerous losses in leaving one man. but console yourself to think if they ever needed real friendship they may not get it from anyone because they don't know how to be genuine, and certainly don't recognise it when they see it.
I left town shortly after finishing school and so i dont' know anyone from school anymore. i've made friends in my adult life who i think understand me better than people from my home town.
I hope you're working on putting the past behind you and forging new relationships with friends that don't bring you down. They may be few and far between for now but even just one is good.
2007-09-24 23:44:18 · answer #8 · answered by sass24 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yes, I can relate, and all I can tell you is that you have to do what is best for you and your children, no matter what anyone else says, because in the end YOU are going to be what you've got. People will say all sorts of things, but when the going gets rough and you need them to stand by you, they become judgemental and scatter like ants. Who needs friends like that? To quote my deceased PawPaw, "Those that are true to you will be the ones STILL standing there when everyone else is gone. No one else matters."
2007-09-24 21:49:41 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
There is always 3 sides to every story. Side A, Side B ... and the truth.
If these "friends" are so easily persuaded ... without so much as asking you questions as to what was said, they weren't your friends to begin with.
I know it hurts. But you need to focus on you. If you can't take care of yourself, you can't care for your son.
That little boy needs you. So while it hurts, let him be your joy. Let him be the smile on your face.
2007-09-24 21:50:30 · answer #10 · answered by ♫♪ Jukebox Hero ♪♫ 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋