This is something I just doddled in a notepad....but I feel it stands true. Its all bit raw and unfinished but maybe some of you have a pointer or two. I dont really write to much poetry but want to start.
we might as well all be toddlers
splish and splashing in a bottle
that we call the great great mother
but who are we to lay the law
for all we have is a mighty jaw
that barks and barks and says nothing
we just speak into the air
for we really arnt even that clear
on our plan for the future
all we want is a piece of the pie
and to keep ourselves up in the sky
to stay above the ground below
sinking now would be a joke
but we wont stay above for long
because we are all just in a dream
thinking that we really see
what life is all about
when people in africa live in doubt
we sit on our mighty thore
with cracks and creases to the bone
its all about to break
and be eattin by a snake
swallowed whole and then
SH*T out!
2007-09-24 13:08:16 · 12 answers · asked by Mike 3 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Yes I know its a work in progress......not to mention my first fu*king POEM! So if you have some constructive comments please leave them. Thank you.
2007-09-24 13:28:16 · update #1
it needs a little bit of work but for a first try thats fantasic. Put a little more into it though. if you have any questions, email me.
2007-09-24 13:12:15 · answer #1 · answered by dragonflyy 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
OK, here is whatever. It really kinda stinks for the work of a poet, but for a first attempt, you did pretty good. If you want to write, keep trying. You will write a ton of garbage before you start getting it right. And the criticism you get on YA will be mixed good and bad. There will be those who will give you rave reviews, and some who blast everything they didn't write, and some like me who will tell you the truth, and try to let you know what is wrong, as well as what is right. Always try to work a rhythm into a poem, if you are going to rhyme, keep the scheme consistent. Always read it aloud in order to hear the impact your words have on each other and to hear where it may get awkward. Also, don't use profanity in your poems, it isn't required, and is usually in bad taste, and takes away from any good points you may have. Nuff for now. try all that and see what happens, and I'll tell you how bad you are and how much you've improved.
2007-09-24 15:11:49 · answer #2 · answered by Dondi 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You ask for any thoughts whatever they may be and then cuss at the very people you asked to comment. If you wanted only constructive comments then you should have been clear about it and not asked for anything.
It is confusing.
You don't have any sort of meter. Try reading it outloud and you will see what I mean. Some of it rhymes some doesn't. Were you trying to rhyme or not?
Your punctuation is really bad and missing at the end of thoughts where you wish the reader to pause.
What is the point of the last line? Shock value? It doesn't come off that way. In fact it pretty much ruins the rest of the poem by saying to me, "Ha! I got you this far and now I'll blow you off by showing you it wasn't a worthy feeling, it was jsut an excuse to say sh_t!" Okay, you got me to read your little "flasher" of a poem.
I don't think I'd be interested in any more like it.
g-day!
2007-09-24 13:55:42 · answer #3 · answered by Kekionga 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Some of the points you make in the poem are very observant. I like the third stanza. It hits home. I think you have a good basis for an excellent poem. I don't see where the people in Africa have much to do with what I think about life though. Maybe that particular line should be reworked. I like the idea of this poem, just some of the wording is off. Keep working on it!
2007-09-24 16:11:15 · answer #4 · answered by apoetgoddess 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, I am sorry but this is not a piece of art, but a sickning turn on the work of others as poets, ou need to go back to the drawind board so to speak and let your emotions write the words for you rather than your head.
2007-09-24 13:15:20 · answer #5 · answered by kissaled 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
toddlers in a bottle?
a jaw that barks?
keep ourselves in the sky?
and the last bit...from africa on...very confusing imagery.
(sniff sniff) I smell... sacrificed meaning for pointless rhyme and...what is that...shock value in place of original thought?
But don't get discouraged. Keep it in your notebook and practice revision. Revise this time so that it can be meaningful verse, not just playful language. No poet automatically creates a perfect draft the first time.
2007-09-24 15:56:53 · answer #6 · answered by Nathan D 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i think the first stanza is the best one. it flows well, and the imagery of the toddlers IN the bottle is interesting. I also like the idea of the bottle being the mother.
the rest of it does drag a bit. with work it could be great though.
2007-09-24 18:04:39 · answer #7 · answered by Kinz 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
your first??????????????
my first was a pile of c**p
about oh i love him but he dosnt love me who will i be blahblah blahblah
it took me like 8 years to get even remotely to where you are
you lucky little son of a ......!!!
its good from my view
there is some utter crap out there, believe me i've seen it had the unfortunate business of reading it and i wrote my little share of it too
and yours is definitely better than some of the published crap i've seen
i am a faliure
thank you you have taken my life from below me and i shall away with my words and my head and throw them to the sea
bellow you below me
below us all
see see im good too
yes yes
good yes
2007-09-24 16:05:32 · answer #8 · answered by froufrou 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Basically, I what your trying is. We know nothing evn though we think we do?
Is that right?
2007-09-24 14:15:00 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
well it seems confusing and drags on sorry.
2007-09-24 13:16:20 · answer #10 · answered by connorlovenoodles 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋