First of all, I want to say tht I love my husband. His name is Shay and I love him so much. However, when ever he gets mad, which is often he seems to get abusive. It all started verbally but about a month ago, he started becoming physically abusive with me. It hurts me not juist physically but emotionally. I wonder how someone who I love more than anything in this world can do that to me. I ask him to talk to me so maybe I can help him but he conntinues to be abusive. When he is beating me, I beg him to stop and tell him I love him so much. I dont want to leave him so what I need are suggestions to how I can deal with this without having to do that. I feel so lost. Today, he kissed me on the cheek and it meant everything to me because that is how our relationship used to be.I viewed his kiss as his way to say "Im sorry" I cry every night because I dont know what to do. Please help me. I love him so much.
2007-09-24 12:48:27 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
There is nothing that you can do for an abusive spouse until they realize that they have a problem and get help for it. The only way that some of them realize it is for the spouse to leave and let them know that the abuse is not going to be tolerated. Otherwise if you stay in the situation then you risk losing your life. If he did not say that he is sorry then he is not sorry for hurting you and you do not deserve to be in a one sided relationship.
If you do leave and he refuses to see that there is a problem or the abuse continues after you have left then you know that he will never realize that he has a problem and you did the right thing for your health and your life.
If you do leave and he realizes that there is a problem then you did the right thing in assisting him to become a better person. The only thing that will help him though is anger management classes and counseling. Without them he will revert back again and again until he gives up trying and you are back to square one.
So as you can see the only thing that you can do here for you and for him is to leave him and stay out until he receives help. You have other family members who love you and can't stand the thought of you getting hurt by this guy. He is not worth your life and your happiness. One of these days he will not be able to stop himself and you will pay the price with your life. Picture your family at your funeral. Is that what you want to put them through?? Your mom, dad, brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, cousins.
Contact a local violence shelter for help. It is normal for you to love him so much and it will be very hard for you to stand strong and stay away but if you want to truly help him you have to be strong and stay out until he gets the help that he needs. While you are at the violence shelter you can also talk to the counselors there to learn how to be strong for yourself again. Good Luck and Get going.
2007-09-24 13:02:40 · answer #1 · answered by firemouse23 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am in no way an expert on anything, but I don't think you will get the answer you want. I can't with a clear conscience tell you to stay with a man that is abusing you. I know it's hard to leave, because I'm divorced. When I married, back in '80 I thought I was marrying for life. But when my husband cheated and flaunted it and didn't try to hide it from anyone I divorced him. It sounds like your husband has some serious issues that might be addressed with counseling if he would go. But why would you want to stay with a man that beats you and makes you cry every night? I left my husband back in November of '92. I chose to remain single and not even date until my kids who were 7 and 11 then graduated from High School and I didn't. I have been divorced now longer than I was married. I tried alot of dating sites and dated ALOT of jerks that were liars and only wanted one thing. I've been engaged and had him and another guy I was involved with later let me think they were dead. I've had heartache over the years, and times when I wished I could kick myself in the rear, but I've been dating a guy now for six months and extremely happy. We met online back in '05 on Cupid.com, but for one reason or the other lost contact. I had kept his email for some reason all this time and decided to send him an email one day out of the blue and we've been calling and seeing each other when we can ever since. I'm saying all that to say this. There IS someone out there for you that will cherish you and treasure you and not abuse you. It just may take some time to meet him. No woman deserves to be a man's punching bag.
2007-09-24 13:15:39 · answer #2 · answered by Carolyn D 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You don't love him. You are afraid of being alone. You also want to change him. Until he acknowledges what he is doing is abuse, and seeks help to change his behavior, it will only get progressively worse. He may even kill you at some point because he is unable to control his rage. He has decided to use you as his punching bag, and as long as you are willing to stick around and tolerate it, it won't stop. It is sooo sad that just a simple peck on the cheek is enough affection for you to keep going. Why do you accept so little for yourself. He has torn you down good. The physical abuse just started because it's only been in the past month that he knows he can do it and you will stay. I'm willing to bet the emotional abuse has been going on since the beginning of your relationship. He has probably isolated you from all of your friends and family by now, so all you think you have in the world is him. You view him as your life, and what you are living is no life. Nobody deserves to be hit for any reason by the person that is supposed to be their partner in life. I'm not sure why you accept his behavior and his feeble attempts at intimacy. You are making excuses for him. He is NOT sorry for his behavior. He sees you as the problem not him. You need to get out before you come out in a body bag. I just hope and pray you don't have any children mixed in all of this.......
2007-09-24 13:04:54 · answer #3 · answered by ? 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Get yourself together and plan for the hardest escape you have ever had in your life. You have internet - research every site on verbal and physical abuse you will see your situation and begin to get the courage and self-esteem that he has INTENTIONALLY TAKEN FROM YOU!!! The kissing on the cheek pleasure is known as Stolkholm Syndrome (similar to when kidnap victims side with their kidnappers - they are treated so cruelly they begin to feel intense emtotion when they are relieved and given some kindness). Start stocking any and all money away that you can get your hands on. If you don't have a job get one!!!!!! Keep a packed bag with your ID's birth certificate's, some cash, clothes, phone numbers in case you need to leave quickly and TELL ALL YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't protect him in their eyes because it will come back to bite you in the but. Do I sound like maybe I know what you are doing!.. You can do this and you know you deserve better. PLEASE! The fight to leave likely will not end when you leave - get ready for him to cry and be everything you remember in the beginning - AFTER you leave. Do your best not to fall for it. This too will cycle,cycle,cycle. Good Luck Girl.
2007-09-24 14:15:05 · answer #4 · answered by Springtime of my Loving 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is not going to get better. It is going to get worse. It won't matter what you do to try to please him, he will always find something wrong with you. He will put you down and tell you no one wants you and that you are ugly. You then start to believe all this awful stuff. Then he says he is sorry and you are so hopeful again. This is the pattern. It goes on over and over again until either you are dead or you decide that this is not good for you and you finally leave. When you decide to do this, contact your battered women's hotline. If you can contact them ahead of time to discuss what are your options, you might do a little better.
When you finally get out of this, you need to look at what did you find attractive about this man, because you are very likely to connect with another man like him. So, you have to learn about what is going on here to make changes. If you don't do anything different, it isn't going to change.
2007-09-24 13:55:42 · answer #5 · answered by Simmi 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Unfortunatly life doesn't always turn out how we want and I'm sure you know that. He is being ABUSIVE towards you hun, get rid of him. I know that's the last thing you want to do, but it seems you'd be better off without him. He's not being fair to you. Be honest with yourself, would you rather get beaten over nothing, or be without him and find true happiness. Are you fooling yourself into thinking that you cannot leave b/c you're in love?? Sometimes you have to let the ones go you love the most.....
2007-09-24 12:56:40 · answer #6 · answered by Blondee 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am so sorry that you are going through this......and I am sorry to have to tell you that the only way to stop this abuse is for you to LEAVE the situation.......I lived with verbal abuse for quite a few years, which then escalated into constant verbal and emotional abuse, and then progressed to physical and sexual abuse....Like you, I thought I could deal with it, thought that my love should be enough to make him stop behaving like that.....Please contact your nearest support service for abused women NOW! Your husband has no incentive to examine and change his behaviour while you continue to stay there and accept the abuse.....You deserve love, care, respect, companionship and devotion from the person who vowed to love and protect you......You are not getting any of these things, and you never will until you force him to face up to his unacceptable behaviour......
2007-09-24 13:02:45 · answer #7 · answered by cautious 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, first and foremost, in order to get out of an abusive relationship, the person being abused has to come to terms with the situation. They have to be unwilling to hide the abuse any longer, or ignore it. This is when they are finally ready to leave, and walk away, get out.
The best resource is the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 800-799-SAFE, which provides 24-hour crisis intervention and referrals to local services.
2007-09-24 13:00:37 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
trying to convince yourself that he'll go back to the non-abusive man you fell in love with and married wont help you here , once the physical abuse starts there is no going back for him it's a power trip , he know's your scared and it makes him feel good , he knows that all he has to do now is threaten to hit you and your his 100%.
He's killing your self esteem and demoralizing you , You dont think it's going to get worse? it is and not just from him using you as a punching bag but the sexual abuse comes next thats all part of the power.Situations and positions you never thought he would demand of you now come into play so get ready for a whole new side of physical pain because honey he isnt going to care if it hurts as long as he's pleasured.
Stop dilluding yourself get out now , go to a womans shelter so you can start rebuilding your self esteem and get yourself back on track , what he does to you is NOT love , and you thinking you love him is just you being to scared to step up and say enough is enough and walk out the door.
REAL men DONT hit women EVER , and real men who really love you NEVER hit you and then cry like babies after trying to show their sorry.Theres no excuse for his demeaning behaviour towards apart from it makes him feel so good beating a woman into submission.
If us telling you to leave him isnt going to help then I will give my condolensces to your family in advance I'm sure you were once a very gorgeous girl , it's just a shame you married the wrong man and he will spend the rest of his day's in jail when the abuse gets to that point.Good luck to you.
2007-09-24 13:11:38 · answer #9 · answered by JadeyOz 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That's awesome.
Solution: Pepperspray. When he gets abusive, hose him in the face. Let him know by experience how wrong hitting someone at a physical disadvantage is. Kick him once in the balls after he's already conceded to being at the disadvantage . Tell him there is more where that came from if he retaliates and it is commonly known as a divorce.
This way, you'll understand how someone you love COULD do this to you, as you will have done it yourself. He'll respect you for it. He might be mad as hell for a long time, but he'll respect you for it, and will NEVER hit you again.
2007-09-24 13:03:07 · answer #10 · answered by RawrJr 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋