what do you think of this part of my essay ..does it sound okay? Tell me what you think please????
Becoming a doctor has always been a passion of mine ever since i was a little girl. Now that I am older i see my true passion on being a doctor. I love to help others and make them feel truly comfortable. I want to be a doctor with all my heart. I want to be a doctor so i can serve others. I have shared the lives of my patients as a personal care attendant. I have laughed and I have cried with them. This is what i want to do with my life.
2007-09-24 07:10:20 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous in Education & Reference ➔ Higher Education (University +)
Becoming a doctor has always been a passion of mine ever since i was a little girl. *Perfect*
Now that I am older i see my true passion on being a doctor. *UGH Try this: "Now that I am older I am truly interested in taking up that challenge. *
I love to help others and make them feel truly comfortable. *ok
I want to be a doctor with all my heart. * already been said*
I want to be a doctor so i can serve others. *okay*
I have shared the lives of my patients as a personal care attendant. *good*
I have laughed and I have cried with them. *good*
This is what i want to do with my life. *hmmm....*
My Version:
Becoming a Doctor has been one of my dreams for as long as I can remember, ever since I was a little girl. Now that I am older I am truly passionate about becoming a Doctor, and believe I am ready to rise up and meet this challenge. I love helping others and making them feel more comfortable. I am passionate about becoming a Doctor so that I can help others. I have shared the lives of my patients as a personal care attendant. I have laughed and I have cried with them. I think I am ready to take the next step and actually help my patients as a certified Doctor.
(I obviously like mine better, but feel free to do your own work, mix/match maybe?)
2007-09-24 07:20:40 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need a thesis statement to direct your essay. Why not end the paragraph with this...My life passion is to be a doctor because I like the field of medicine, I love serving others, and I enjoy the rewards being a doctor would bring. Use these three topics to guide your next three paragraphs and then have a closing paragraph. Make sure you are using complete sentences. Your first sentence needs some improvement...Ever since I was a little girl, I have had the desire to enter the field of medicine.
2007-09-24 07:17:03 · answer #2 · answered by Arrica H 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Remove sentence #2.. it's redundant and grammatically awkward and adds NOTHING.
Remove "I want to be a doctor with all my heart". It's redundant and adds nothing new.
Reword the Personal Care sentence. The way it starts is misleading as you are not yet a doctor. Better: "I have shared the lives of patients I've cared for as a Personal Care Attendant."
Next sentence needs shortening: "I have laughed and cried with them."
Conciseness is not your strength. I recognize this because I have had the same problem.
Move "I want to be a doctor so I can serve others." down in front of "This is what I want to do with my life." - It works better in that position.
2007-09-24 07:20:30 · answer #3 · answered by Nedra E 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
one could argue that the sentences are short and snappy in a positive way, but i think i would only say that for the last few. personally, i would leave
"I have shared the lives of my patients as a personal care attendant. I have laughed and I have cried with them. This is what i want to do with my life."
as the only short sentences and make the rest of the paragraph flow a bit more. it seems a bit stiff. but other than that, i like it.
2007-09-24 07:14:46 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have the right Idea, but you put in, "i want to be a doctor" to many times, try to take that out a little, other then that it sounds just fine
2007-09-24 07:13:52 · answer #5 · answered by Health nut/Extremley Active 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
MAKE A FEW CHANGES. AS A CHILD I ALWAYS THOUGHT I WOULD LIKE TO BE A DOCTOR AND NOW THAT I AM OLDER THAT FEELING HAS GROWN INTO A HEARTFELT DESIRE TO DEDICATE MY LIFE TO THE SERVICE OF OTHERS AS A DOCTOR. SOMETHING ALONG THOSE LINES.
2007-09-24 07:17:57 · answer #6 · answered by Loren S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Seems ok to me - you need to sort out the punctuation though.
Too many short sentences, try using some commas instead of full stops everywhere.
2007-09-24 07:14:18 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
My opinion is that you repeat too much the word doctor.....but the rest is really good.
2007-09-24 07:19:01 · answer #8 · answered by danielle 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
"my passion FOR being a doctor" - not "on"
2007-09-24 07:16:33 · answer #9 · answered by suzanne g 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
pretty good, though u started just about every sentence with "I"
2007-09-24 07:14:10 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋