How to deal with competitive other women with pregnancy?

Question

We're ttc, and I DREAD going through another pregnancy with my SIL around. I know women like to discuss their pregnancy experiences, but hers were put downs and criticisms because she was just plain jealous I was pregnant- she is almost 42, has a 12 year old, and her hubby says NO to another, even though she's wanted one for years. it was always- 'Oh, you look like you've put on too much weight so far- how much have you gained? I only gained 20 lbs.' 'Maternity clothes already? I didn't wear them until 6 months along'.

I'm not being overly sensitive, the little witch had the audacity Xmas eve to slap the side of her thigh, point at me and tell me 'You're getting really fat right there'. I told her in a sarcastic voice 'Thanks for noticing'.

A bunch of it later came out as outright lies, like she let it slip a few months ago she put on 40 lbs with her pregnancy- i didn't point it out to her.

So, if i am expecting again soon, how do I nip this rotten rudeness on her part in the bud? In the past, if I speak up or defend myself or tell her to knock it off she goes psycho, her Mother, who lives with her, cries and tells me 'she's a good girl, she never hurt anyone' and my hubby stays a bit silent, not wanting to risk her ire either (a troublesome spot in our relationship at times). Telling her to stop being rude or knock it off just upsets the whole family, it seems they allow this behavior from her...so how can I deal with it this time around? Not keeping my mouth shut nearly so often if this starts again, not wanting to cause a huge scene either.

Answer 1

I would be more concerned that my child (your first) is around that sort of rudeness. It really is your husbands place to tell his sister to knock it off... and if he isn't going to take control, then you won't win...his family will gang up on you. If I were you, the next time she is negative, just go on and on about how excited you are for this baby and how wonderful it is to be pregnant. Tell her that the weight issue is so insignificant compared to the blessing of a baby...etc. To EVERY negative comment be ULTRA happy and positive...she will stop, because it will drive her nuts. ;)

Answer 2

Do your best to ignore it, but when they get overwhelming and you just can't take it, generally one good explosion will do the trick. Go off on her, tell her you don't appreciate it, it's hurtful and rude, etc. Whatever it is that you're thinking. It may cause a huge uproar in the entire family, but it'll ease, and I can almost guarantee that she'll shut her mouth.
But, if you can avoid getting to that point, and can manage to grin and bear it, awesome.
Perhaps this time around you might want to actually use some snarky come-backs - like, go ahead and mention the 40 pounds she gained, vs. the 20 she claimed. And, should you notice any little personal imperfections, point them out when she points out yours. Your thighs are getting a little fat? Her *** is getting big. Whatever. Perhaps she'll eventually gather that not very many people like it when you point out their imperfections, and doing so to a pregnant woman is particularly rude. As if we have control over our bodies.

Answer 3

Yikes! I am sorry that you have to deal with that BS. A lot of people are really competitive about pregnancy now and days (which I don't understand at all.) I got so many talks from people critisicing me for wanting to have an epidural and saying that "if you were a good Mom you would go natural bc it's best for baby", I always tell them what's good for one woman may not be for another. Plus, I know I couldn't take the pain of going natural. Having a baby/being pregnant is supposed to be an adventure in a woman's life, not a burden. It's supposed to be looked at as a magical time because that woman is blessed to be able to convieve (me and my hubby tried to concieve for 6 months before I got pregnant and now we are expecting a little boy.) Since you said that she flips out when you try and talk to her, maybe your best bet would be to ignore her and try to distance yourself from her as much as possible.

Answer 4

I've had to deal with this same thing!! I just said " I know that you have the best intentions in what you are saying but it's really not helping me out right now. I'm already experiencing issues with my body and don't need anyone else to point them out to me. Even though I appreciate your input most of the time, while I'm pregnant I am going to invite you to keep your observations to yourself! Surely you understand, being a mom and having gone through it! Call it pregnancy crazies or whatever, I just need you to keep quiet right now. I know that I can count on you, thank you for understanding!"
That should shut the witch up! It worked for me.... As a matter of fact she still does not say much except for what she has to just to be polite! And, that's just fine with me!
Very Best Wishes to you!

Answer 5

I would tell her how you feel, sit down and try to have a heart to heart. Warn your husband before hand in case things go awry or she takes things the wrong way.
Tell her the reason you're mentioning it now is because you don't want to go off the deep end with all your pregnancy hormones and warn her that your going to be overly sensitive and if she can just keep her remarks positive it will make this experience so much better for you.

Answer 6

Holy Cow! Why oh WHY does everyone put up with this crap? Seems there's one in every family....

I would say at the first comment, "Sue, DON'T GO THERE" in my best mommy warning voice, and if she didn't quit, then let her have it both barrels. But in private, away from the ears of others. If "Mommy" tries to intervene, say "This is between Sue and me, please stay out".

My husband hates confrontation as well. It was a source of trouble for us. He had a drunken friend who was all over me at a football game (he was leaning OVER my husband to paw me!). Finally I took his fingers and pulled into he popped a joint. The twerp thought it was broken and left the game howling. After that, my husband sometimes intervened for the safety of his loved ones lol!

Answer 7

Maybe just brush her comments off, and act as though you could care less. If she says something about you gaining too much weight during pregnancy, just say something like,

"well, I don't care if I gain a lot of weight, as long as I have a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. And my doc says that I have both, so I have nothing to worry about".

Answer 8

i could sort of relate--as my SIL is the most self righteous biatch I've ever met. The situation is reversed though. She's had 4 kids and I have none.We've been ttc and I just got a positive result on one of those pee on a sticks!. She tells me how I should raise my kids when I have them, etc.. even coaching me on how to get pregnant (although all her kids are products of "ooppss").

Tell her to knock it off.Don't be afraid to tell her she's jealous. Don't worry about pissing off your in-laws. Tell your SIL don't be a hater coz she missed her boat! And if your in-laws huff and buff about it--just blame it on your raging hormones :)

Answer 9

I don't know why ppl seem to think it's suddenly "ok" to be rude when you're pregnant!! I would hold off telling her for as long as possible, to make the torture as short as possible. And avoid her as much as possible. I have no problems w/ my family b/c I limit the time I spend w/ them. Of course, that might not be your solution.
When she's downright rude, I'd let her know how much you DONT appreciate it, and that if she has nothing constructive to say, please keep it to herself. I will not put up w/ being degraded, even by "family"

Answer 10

I would still say something. So what if her mother cries. They sound psycho and you don't need that kind of b.s. in a happy time for you. Try to stay away from her as much as possible. Be rude, who cares about her???