This if for my mum, it's not complete but would welcome any suggestions of any kind:
I cast my love upon you
Though you are but poor
You deserve every ounce of it
With all you’ve had to endure
Every darkness and dawn
You’re there for you’re kids
There for your spawn
When seeming desolate
Or appearing forlorn
You’re a timid town crier
Though you use no words
Just meandering thoughts
Thoughts to inspire
Care is your currency
Love oozes from your pores
In all you do and all you say
You make families look so easy,
Bringing us up like child’s play
2007-09-24 05:24:14 · 7 answers · asked by chris m 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Refine your style, good poem but out of sync
2007-09-24 05:32:47 · answer #1 · answered by Rick J 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Think you're on a roll, the flow needs to be tweaked,
but the message is coming through. With a little tap
here and twist there, you could have a real winner.
2007-09-24 05:46:44 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Lightening our burdens
each and every day
a mother like comes
so few and far between
God gave us with angel wings
If there was a way
I could repay
all you have done
and gone without
you would have it
that is for sure I have no doubt
I love you mom
2007-09-24 05:35:15 · answer #3 · answered by teresa m 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You're doing fine with it. The problem with asking for suggestions is that any you take will be from someone else's heart, not yours.
Find somewhere quiet, close your eyes and just feel, the words will come to you and they'll mean more, being yours alone.
2007-09-24 05:36:43 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Try to flow your wording a little more it helps the reader to keep interest, try more imagery and remember that it is your poem so control the reader with your words.
2007-09-25 02:58:42 · answer #5 · answered by kissaled 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
yes its good maybe choose some other words here and there a tweak here and there but is not bad labour of love nice she will love it
2007-09-24 06:22:44 · answer #6 · answered by bobonumpty 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
in shine you are shade
in tempest you are shelter
where there is despair
you are a beacon
happiness is your succer
2007-09-24 05:33:49 · answer #7 · answered by gto 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋