I love my husband, but we have sex so rarely it is getting me so down. I feel so unattractive that I can't bring myself to make advances - I feel sick at the thought of being turned away again. In the early days his idea of sex tended to be from porn (which he still looks at?!), so for a while I made the effort and dressed up etc.. but it got to the point that we only have sex when I did this... So I know I turned him down often back then... but that was 3 or 4 years ago. Now we only ever do it when I have had a bit of dutch courage.
This really is affecting my whole life. I raise this every few weeks or so and he ackowledges that we have a problem... his reaction... pet me like a child so we don't need to talk about it.
We have had counselling (he cheated, although he never admitted anything) 2 years ago - but sex wasn't discussed although it was one of the issues we raised with her, he didn't want to talk about it. Help?
2007-09-24 02:38:41 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Sounds like if you guys don't sit down with a therapist, you'll both be headed for an affair.
2007-09-24 02:47:03 · answer #1 · answered by wizjp 7 · 1⤊ 2⤋
I think you have a real problem. It's not that you're unattractive- it's with your husband.
In my experience, men act like this for any number of reasons:
They're not emotionally available.
They like having affairs, and are having one all the time you're married.
They are using sex to control you, to wreck your self-esteem, or to be mean.
They are weird and don't want to "dirty" their wife.
They have a low sex drive or have erection/ejaculation problems.
He wants to push you into having affairs that he can "blame" you for or start fights with you for whatever reason.
Etc., etc., etc.
You don't say how your relationship is other than the porn problem. That he is or was more heavily into porn is a bad sign, if you ask me. Something unrealistic may be going on in his mind, but it's hard to know why he's doing this.
You've tried counseling, but he wouldn't talk. You've tried talking alone, but he treats you like a kid or pet.
You could go to counseling by yourself; you could resign yourself to starving for sex; you could start having affairs; or you could divorce him and get a man that isn't "broken" somehow. It's really up to you.
2007-09-24 10:13:33 · answer #2 · answered by ThatGirl 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
One way to bring up the subject, inject some helpful hints, maybe spark some interest....
Tell him that you dreamed about him last night and it was a strange sex dream. Tell him things that he did to you and how you found it exciting. You can cover alot of territory that way without seeming to be condemning or whining or anything else which might turn him off in another conversation.
2007-09-27 14:56:09 · answer #3 · answered by Gandalf Parker 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is hard to be with someone like that. You need to learn to love yourself first. Know that it isn't you. It sounds like you didn't go to counseling very long but, counseling is only going to work if he is also willing to work on it too. I understand how you feel. He shouldn't only have sex with you if you dress up like in porn. He needs to make an effort here. If you can't live this way then you need to make the choice on rather or not to leave and move on to be happy. I am sure porn is not helping.....
2007-09-24 09:49:38 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋
This is one of those "It's not you, it's him" answers.
Please don't let your opinion of yourself be based upon him.
There is the potential he is having an affair again. There is also the very real chance that porn is the only way he can get off.
I certainly understand you getting frustrated that the only times you would have sex was when you would indulge him in his porn fantasy world.
But WHAT ABOUT YOU? What about the things that turn you on? Or get you off? Does he take any of that into consideration? Did he ever, even when you did have sex more frequently?
Your husband is the one who has "issues" with sex. Not you. I don't know what is at the root of the problem. But it's pretty safe to say, it NOT you!
2007-09-24 09:47:40 · answer #5 · answered by candy'sroom 3 · 4⤊ 3⤋
You reap what you sow . . . you turned him down for sex once too many times, and he got fed up and did something about it. Focus on your wifely duties or face the consequences. Your only real shot is to put yourself at his mercy and do whatever he wants, sexually, until you two can be in a more equitable place. Go tell him you messed up, you're sorry, and you want to make it better. Then shut up and listen to what he has to say. If you paid better attention a few years ago, you wouldn't be here now.
2007-09-24 12:58:13 · answer #6 · answered by terry m 3 · 0⤊ 2⤋
u say he cheated and ur still with him and not having sex, hmmmm lets see, sounds like he must be stressed. get rid of the bumm he's still cheating. go buy urself a new car and get out of there.
2007-09-24 09:53:45 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
You need to go do something to make yourself feel attractive. Until you do. Nothing is going to work. He has his share of th eproblem but until you do something about youy.. not just physically but more importantly self image and emotionally. Nothing is going to get better.
2007-09-24 09:52:26 · answer #8 · answered by Bob D 6 · 0⤊ 3⤋
WOW, I agree with "candy'sroom"....your husband has the problem here, not you!
What about YOUR NEEDS???? Its not all about him.
Tell him to ditch the damn porn, its distorting his sense of REALITY!!!
2007-09-24 09:54:54 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
Well you stopped having sex with him.You tried for him , and stopped feeling like it. and he cheated on you. You should really put out, stop being a lousy wife and realize that he doesent give a rats *** about the kids, the house etc etc etc. just give the guy a BJ without him asking. Im pretty sure when your nagging him hes just imagining you enticing him sexually. Be a good wife.
2007-09-24 09:44:44 · answer #10 · answered by tweakk 3 · 2⤊ 7⤋