i'm more of the dark or sad writing so i would want your opinion on this one.thanks.
Lightning flashed,
Thunder clamored,
I gazed up,
Rain started to pour.
Consumed by darkness,
Drenched in the rain,
It's time to give up,
time to let it be.
You offered a hand,
Smiled an innocent smile,
Your eyes of crimson red,
Brightened up my day.
You walked in,
When everyone walked out,
The way you showed you care,
Painted a rainbow I once lost.
The rain poured no more,
Flowers are full in bloom,
Butterflies and honeybees,
Are once again free.
I live once again,
Vivid colors of happiness,
No longer hid behind the shadows,
The shadows of my past.
You have given me,
Another chance,
To live, to love,
And I thank you.
2007-09-24 01:18:39 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
actually i don't know. it just hit me.i guess i got it from natsume hyuuga. ;P
2007-09-24 01:34:10 · update #1
thats awesome.. the way things just come to you. They rarely do for me. It seems that you like to express yourself through poetry.. good job
2007-09-24 14:15:22 · answer #1 · answered by dragonflyy 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's okay, I guess... You could stand to change a few stanza's a bit, I think. Like the 1st 1 lacked a bit of flow, I feel. And I didn't quite understand the 3rd stanza, either. I mean I'd get the crimson eyes being something fictional, but for them to brighten a person's day...? In a happy way?? That I don't' get...
Plus, I didn't like the 5th stanza at all. You went back to losing flow and the whole butterflies 'n honeybee thing sounds kind of childish...
The next stanza isn't too great either, because it seems like you missing something between each line. Like your leaving something out. I mean you go from living again, to "Vivid colors of happiness..." Does that you are the colors...?
'Cause that wouldn't make since with you being hidden behind the shadows... Plus the end kind of drops out. I mean after all of that all you have to say is thank you?? I'm sorry but lame ending...
Luck.
2007-09-24 23:02:28 · answer #2 · answered by Twili 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
ok it was all right but it could be better. all you need to do is choose the right words...
go to www.poetry.com
there is a section there that will help you find the right words in place of some you have in your writing...
also it is structured to be a rhyme so you need to choose the right words to rhyme with others like for instance
your first paragraph... change the ending words with other words that mean the same thing and end it with one that rhymes with one of the two ...another word for "flashed"and or
clamored... well i wouldnt even use that one ...sorry .
second paragraph
consumed by darkness,drenched BY the rain, its time to give up, time to go back to being sain.
3rd paragraph .. your killed it with the last line..."brightened up my day" yuck ...
do you understand what i am saying ?
let me know
cheers
jo
2007-09-24 09:39:29 · answer #3 · answered by josie d 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It seems that every poet lives and die with love.
What can I say? Its poetic license not to argue with one's thought. Anyway, the crying's over.
The only trouble is that the feeling behind may not be love after all but a make-up relationship.
2007-09-24 08:38:26 · answer #4 · answered by jhez 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That's really quite good as a heavy metal lyric. Drop by ronniejamesdio.com for some good music news and also a section where people put their poetry in.
2007-09-24 09:04:30 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
I'd say it's quite good, but just one question. Who has crimson eyes? That one made me wonder a bit.
2007-09-24 08:31:09 · answer #6 · answered by Dondi 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
whoa u'r really good at this
2007-09-25 17:14:43 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋