why does my husband seem to only want me when he wants sex? is that a guy thing? i try to talk with him and he ignores me or changes the subject....i ask him to help me with things..he doesn't.....i try and do things as a family (me him and our 20month old daughter) and he would rather be playing pool with his friends or working....i feel as if he works to drown out life...but it never fails...we can have a horrible day..fight (verbally of course) just things are horrible but as soon as its bed time and we get in our room he is all over me trying to have sex......90% of the time it makes me so mad that i roll over and go to sleep...but other times i just lay there and get it over with b/c i know he wont leave me alone........am i in the wrong for not wanting to have sex with him on his every becon call? or is he just being selfish and using me for his sexual needs?
2007-09-21 15:21:51 · 24 answers · asked by jewelry lady! love my job 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
i mentioned going to counseling but he refused and said our marriage is fine and we dont need it.
we have only been married 2 and a half years...we should still be in the honeymoon stage or something!
2007-09-21 15:29:49 · update #1
things have not always been this way!! ....he is 27 and i am 22......we have been together about 5 and 1/2 years..things were always great and then it started....i ask if he is cheating or is unhappy and he says no that there is noone else he would want to be with and that things are great...i try to explain to him my side but he does not get it!
2007-09-21 15:42:29 · update #2
i think its one of those rare occasions where NO advice can help
because truth is you have married a total D*ck!
sorry!
and hey what's wrong with the sex anyway?
2007-09-26 23:44:07 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You both need to work on connecting better. Since you realize what the problem is you can be a major factor in the change here. Men are most open and vulnerable right after they've had sex. If you want to get some of these points across to him and let him know how you feel then this is a great way to go about it. Eff his brains out and then don't let him go to sleep. Make him talk. I used to do this to my husband when we were younger and had issues that he just didn't seem to acknowledge. Prepare yourself for a late night, we had many. Once the conversation gets started it can go well or badly, depending. Try to focus on one issue at a time and make sure to be honest about how YOU also contribute to the problem. It takes two to tango.... If he gets his nookie, he might be more open to hearing what you think needs work. If he doesn't, he will just be more resentful and distance himself even more. There is nothing like a naked discussion late at night. Naked bodies and naked emotions. We've worked out all of our major issues and now we just make love and talk for fun....that's a much better end to a day!
If this doesn't work, cut his azz off! Lil
Good luck :)
2007-09-21 15:34:24 · answer #2 · answered by oracleofohio 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Let me begin by saying I have been married for 15 years to a man who has acted like your husband for 15 years. At first I thought it was just because he came from a dysfunctional family, there wasn't much communication and/or love between his parents, and he would 'learn' to be a good husband and father (we now have two teenage sons). He didn't. For 15 years I have been fooling myself that things would get better. I had conversations in my head with him, where he would listen to me and we had a great marriage. But the reality is, he doesn't listen, he doesn't care, this marriage isn't so great. Yet, he still wants sex with me, just like your husband, every night like clockwork. Whoopie! That's the only thing we do together, unless I 'force' him to do some family thing. No wife should feel like her husband doesn't want to be around her or their kids or feel like a used sex romp. It's a terrible feeling. It's emotional abuse. Men don't see it as abuse because they are not physcially hurting you, but lack of attention and affection IS abuse. You need to get out now. Your husband obviously is self-centered and has issues of his own that will only bring you down. And what about your child? If you are feeling rejected and you are an adult imagine how a poor child would feel. I stayed for the kids, but I'm back in school and as soon as I get my degree I am outta here. I only wish I wouldn't have stayed as long as I did with the selfish b@*&#@rd. Good-luck to you. I will tell you, don't expect him to change, those kind never do.
2007-09-27 06:37:10 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You know I am not going to read any of the other answers, and I do not intend to preach to you either. I honestly feel that you are in a very bad relationship, and yes I think he is getting his physical needs from you. Once he is satisfied he doesn't need you anymore, and he doesn't want a family style of life either. His sex drive has to be satisfied, and that all that seems to matter to him. I think he is a very immature man, and really hasn't clue of what his martial responsibilities are, nor does he want to know. I just honestly feel that he is the wrong person for you, and a bad choice was made. I'm sorry to say these things, but it seems so obvious. Good Luck. The way you are spending your life is really not what you want out of a marriage. You can do better I am sure.
2007-09-22 15:23:21 · answer #4 · answered by Butch. 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A marriage is a serious commitment, and it seems like he didn't commit at all. Through what you are telling us, I realized that all he wants is the benefit of sex. He doesn't seem to care for you a bit, because if he did, he would not ignore you. As a man I tell you when we guys ignore someone. It is obvious that he doesn't want to be part of the family. You are going to have to leave him, because to tell you the truth, I don't think he is going to change any time soon. You deserve better than that. You need somebody who will love you and care for you, and pay attention to you and your daughter. You need a mate, not a sexual partner. I wish I could give you some hope, but I don't really see him trying to do anything to salve your marriage. And you alone can't do it, he has to want to be part of it, but I think he still thinks he is single.
2007-09-21 15:36:53 · answer #5 · answered by Ricardo R 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No, you aren't "wrong," but I think you guys need to figure something out so that you can be together and both be happy. If I could guess, I would say that you are pretty young? And that's probably why he doesn't want to sit and chat with you and why he would rather be with his friends (not that I am saying it's ok). You have to talk with him about his priorities... maybe you could come to a comprimise so that he's spending only a certain amount of time with his friends, and then he could spend some more time with you. It would probably help for you guys to get some counseling too... my husband and I had some counseling and it was easier for my husband to accept things and understand them if they were coming from someone other than me. (cause he just felt like I was nagging him). I don't think he's using you, but you need to communicate your needs to him... if he wants you to fufill his needs, he needs to do some things for you too. If your husband isn't willing to do any of these things to help your family, then you are better off leaving him and being a single mom. It probably feels like that sometimes anyway, right?
2007-09-21 15:33:36 · answer #6 · answered by TeggieMcG 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I totally get your point. And no, I don't blame you for turning him away most of the time. It sounds like he is being really selfish right now. I can't believe you asked him about counseling and he acted like nothing was wrong with the relationship?! Then again, if he is doing what "he" wants all the time, then I guess things might be pretty okay in his world.
I think it is time that you stood up for yourself and said..."Look, I need to find a way to deal with these feelings, so if you won't go to therapy with me, I will just go get some help on my own. I need to know what to do with these feelings of lonliness in our marriage." Sometimes you just have to spell it out. It is like your husband just doesn't get it, or doesn't want to.
Also, when you do refuse him sex, I think I would be very honest about why you are not in the mood. Sure...it could cause an argument, but he needs to hear what this is doing to you. Tell him straight up..." I just find it hard to be close to you right now, because I want to be close in more ways than just "this". It gives me a "used" feeling when you want me for this, and act like you don't care to be with me other times."
You must have some spunk in you already for you to refuse him 90% of the time, lol. I say..just make an appointment and go talk to someone about this. Maybe they can give you some good tips on how to handle people like that...or even some tips on how to convince them that they need to go for marital counseling. Good luck to you!
2007-09-21 16:12:54 · answer #7 · answered by ShineOn 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My question for you would be how was he acting before the 2 of you married? Did things change you after the marriage? How was the relationship, did he do things with you that were outside the bedroom. Maybe that's where you need to start. It would be hard to answer this question fairly. I think the 2 of you do need counseling, if he wont go you go see how you can help yourself. I hope for the sake of your child the 2 of you can work this out.
2007-09-21 16:06:30 · answer #8 · answered by blackpearl 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Guys can easily separate emotions from sex. Women don't seem to be able to as easily. Having a fairly new baby in the house causes lots of adjusting to be needed. Your husband may be feeling left out as you now split your attention with the baby (as you should.) You need to work all this out for the sake of the kid. If you can't, I suggest marriage counseling with your church pastor or other professional. BTW, it is normal for any guy to want sex as soon as he hits the mattress. If he doesn't, that's when something is really wrong.
When my wife & I got married, we made a mutual agreement that if one of us thought marriage counseling was needed, we would both go. My wife is very smart! Luckily, we never needed to enforce the agreement.
Kent in SD
2007-09-21 15:31:43 · answer #9 · answered by duckgrabber 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
ok hes obviously only married you for the convienience of having safe (meaning he knows where his piece of A&& has been all day) and coming home and doing it whenever he feels like it. other than that your just a piece of meat. i would either get some councelling or you really need to get out of that relationship that is going to bring your esteem and everything else about you down and find someone that is marrying you for YOU, someone that loves and actually cares about your feelings and emotions. if you dont do something soon you are going to be an emotional wreck which isnt good for you or your child
2007-09-21 15:30:51 · answer #10 · answered by vicky 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It seems like he doesn't really want to be bothered with your needs or his daughters. It also sounds like you ***** all the time, right or wrong. You two need to sit down and discuss your feelings, and try to compromise. Tell him you will be ready and willing in bed, if he will do the same for you in other matters. If he wont discuss your marriage with you, make plans right now to move on.
2007-09-21 15:34:16 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋