Do you think a man who has an affair and blames it on a sh*tty marriage...?

Question

really wants out of that same sh*tty marriage? I have read so much about what the shrinks call "exit afairs". Self explanatory I think. They dont know how else to end the marriage, so they destroy it. My husband had an affair, and I am trying hard to determine if he would have rather I kicked him out instead of teling him we can try again and try to save what little is left of our marriage. He has bent over backwards to prove his remorse and intent to want it to work, but who knows about that, he lied for 5 months while he was banging some other woman. I just dont know what the truth is anymore. Somtmes I think I should just let him go, and other times I think he made a VERY poor choice when he was faced with a failing marriage, instead of just telling me he wasnt happy. is it possible unhappy marriages can drive men to cheat? and if the issues are worked out, the marriage can survive w/o future infidelity? I'm confused.

Answer 1

You are mad angry hurt and still in shock,you are so confused right now you don't know what the right thing is. Your feeling like Dam if you do and Dammed if you don't. I have been where you are I remember the day after i found out about my husbands affair i locked myself in the bathroom sat on the floor and covered my ears and started to rock back and forth back and forth saying over and over no no no no, my husband had to kick the door in I was so out of it. That same night i was in the shower just standing under the water crying so hard it truly felt like my heart was really broken into pieces I said these words Please God don't let me wake up tomorrow it hurts to much. At that time in my life i really did not want to face another day knowing my husband the man i trusted and loved would stab me in my back he hurt me just so he could sleep with another woman that was just to hard to take. We were married 18 years when he decided he was no longer happy. This all came as a big surprise to me i thought we had a very good marriage the sex was good I never said no ans i was willing to try anything he wanted. Home cooked meal on the table every night waiting for him when he walked through the door. My husband wanted for nothing in fact he would always tell the other guys just how lucky he was to have a wife like me. To make a very long story short we did stay together but it's been really emotional for me at times. What helped me get through it was books on the subject of cheating and my hate diary and my little tape recorder. When ever i was alone in the house and i felt the pain coming on me i would talk in the recorder.The recorder represented my husband i would get so angry and say what ever it was that bothered me and if i was out for the day and it came over me i would write it down in my hate diary. Those things really help me a lot and i still have all of it, even though it's been 10 years i still hurt at times. My husband has been very patient with my mood swings. Give it time,if you really love your husband and you feel he is really sorry for what he did and if you feel you would be better off without him then you need to take some more time for yourself to figure this all out. My husband still gets so mad at himself when he thinks about what he did to me and our marriage. He is now the husband i have always wanted it's just ashame it had to take something so horrible as this to open my husbands eyes to what he always had right in front of him the whole time but refused to see it.

Answer 2

They are both at fault! They both know it's wrong. If the woman is unhappy in her marriage to the point where she wants to be with another man, then she should get a divorce before she starts another relationship. She took a vow and there is not excuse for her to cheat. If the man knows the woman is married, he has no right to start a relationship with this woman. He's selfish and he is thinking of nobody but himself. He doesn't care that he is helping to destroy a marriage and maybe hurting a couple of kids in the process. There is no excuse for anyone to have an affair with someone who is married. That person is off limits!

Answer 3

I think both the affair and then blaming it on a sh*tty marriage proves a lack of gonads. I think you really need to dig deep either alone or with the help of a therapist. You need to get back to what you feel and stop second guessing his actions and motives. I'm sure marriages have survived infidelity but this is really your personal decision at this point. Can you live with this now? Will you always be second guessing everything he does now? You really need to ask yourself what path you want your life to take from now on. Trust is our ability to handle what another person does to us. That is an answer that only you can give. Good luck and hang in there :)

Answer 4

Any relationship it has a level of complexity, I think marriage is the biggest of all, a friend you can loose and being unhappy, a family matter too, but in a marriage, well that person is outside the circle of family, and even whenever it had started as friendship is deeper, as well the wounds.

It is delicate to say if whatever is to blame is gonna make things work now, the important thing for you, is do you want to work on your marriage, or as him you're gonna let yourself go and say ok finish?, because thinking very optimistic, let's say that he's gonna try very hard, but, will you be able to give him another chance?, but I mean with the heart, not being just words, it takes a lot to trust again, A LOT, so, before judge, even when it seems fair to judge, are you sure you want to try?

Sometimes, communication is not working properly in order to be completely honest and say the other: "I'm feeling lonely, can you help me?" "I don't feel your love or your attention to me..." "I feel there's something missing in our relationship", feelings are the hardest words to explain, and even when they are said, sometimes are said in the wrong place, in the wrong way, etc. If you try whenever you felt sad to ask for his help, well, at least you have done it, you try, but if not, well, is not easy.

An affair is just a consecuence of something previous.

For your own good, try to look for profesional help, therapy will help you to go and move on from what is happening now, this kind of things can tear apart what is value in a heart, that is trust.

Unhappy marriages can drive men to do stupid things, as well as to women too, that's not only for males.

And if the relationship work out, you shouldn't be thinking in a future infidelity, because you should have learn what went wrong on a first problem, and not to be expecting a second time same problem.

Try to ask for help, for healing your feelings.

Answer 5

I think that an unhappy marriage can cause a man to cheat because they are looking for whatever they feel is missing in thier marriage, in another woman. I also think that most men do not find it in another woman while they are still married, and do regret doing it in the end. However, I do not think that if he lied about it for 5 months that he is very sorry about it. If he was sorry he would have stopped banging her sooner out of the guilt and remorse. I think that if the marriage is failing bad enough to cause one of the spouses to cheat, then there is no real chance to work the marriage out successfully. How do you know that he would not cheat again as soon as he felt that the marriage was having trouble? I think that it would be best that the two of you at least seperate for a little while to see where your hearts are. Let him live somewhere else, and date eachother. This will give you both time to think about your relationship, and yourselves. Who knows, in the end you might decide that you are not able to fully trust him again. He might decide that he wants to end things. Or maybe the time apart might open both your eyes to why you first fell in love with eachother, and it might fix you marriage for the better, but it is best to live apart for a while. Good Luck.

Answer 6

Unhappy marriages come about when 1 or both of the parties fail at their duty to make it work , no it's not an excuse that is acceptable and if you choose to believe it , you'll believe anything he tell's you.

Example , my marriage to my 2nd husband wasnt perfect we had outside stresses , my ex husband , his ex wife (mother of his son) , his ex g/f (mother of his daughter) , my kids , his kid's , both our combined external families , yet our love for each other was true and we worked fantastically as husband/wife , we raised our kid's to the best we could giving them a happy safe , financialy secure home , we communicated a lot and were always open and honest , he still cheated on me and our sex life was anything besides boring , so now can you sit there and honestly tell me the state of the marriage is the cause of an affair?.

He sound's to me like he may have tried to use the "exit affair" as a ploy to escape his unhappiness , he's bored or wanting more physically like exploring new idea's or new positions , but its not because he's unhappy that caused the affair , HE caused the affair , you'd do well to remember that , it's not your fault or anything you did , he's just selfish he wants his cake and to eat it too .

You know what you have to do.And it's not going to be easy.

Answer 7

The men I know that have cheated all say that it is because their wives don't pay attention or satisfy their needs anymore. I cant say for sure how I'd respond if this were to happen to me but I think if he cheated on me I would definatly need some time apart. I wouldnt want to see him for a while. And during that time I would think long and hard if I was happy in the relationship. I know how I am and I could tell him I forgive him and take him back but deep down inside I wouldn't be able to let it go and if he is really sorry and doesnt want to lose me he will have to take responsibility for his actions and deal with it. Thats the only way of moving on.

Answer 8

This is not the place for that question. You both need to see a professional about this. Sometimes a person really doesnt know how to look at another and break their heart by saying they arent happy. And the feeling just escalates until they do something drastic or they suppress it and then turn to something else that does. The drastic decision can be an affair, where he's saying I dont give a damn anymore, or something worse. The other scenario is he meets another and clings to this person because they make him feel different.
Either way it hurts and I can understand cause personally I'd want to kill the bastard,but sometimes.... sometimes its worth saving.
See a professional.

Answer 9

Sometimes when someone has an affair it helps them to survive the marriage. He didn't want to talk to you because he wanted a sexual distraction, and he got it. His mistake was having you find out.

Did he say he wanted out of the marriage? If so what's keeping him in it? If you want him long term find a way to move past this, If your goal is growing old together with your man, now is when the healing starts.

Answer 10

I know of a very similar situation. However the woman decided to stay. It has been 1 year since the affair, but she stills have a heavy heart. I'm not saying to leave, but if you stay, it's going to be harder than just saving a bad marriage. Think about it. If you couldn't make it work b4 odds are it will fail this time around too.