What do you think of this story??

Question

The Parking Lot
Looking out the spread of this parking lot while I sit in my car, I notice some things that other onlookers my not take much thought of.
As I look out I see a young boy and his father exiting a tall truck. As the dad shuffles around the truck before they go into the store, the boy notices a flimsy flyer from the store. He slowly walks over to the old paper bundle and kicks it into the air. When it lands back on the pavement, he kicks it again. This time the paper flies a little further away. Just as he is about to walk over and kick it again, his dad tells him to come in the store now. He looks at the flyer lying on the ground for a moment. As the wind blows underneath it, it seems like it wants to fly again. It bounces up and down like a young puppy. His dad calls again. He quickly looks over to his dad and walks toward him. Just before he reaches the car across from theirs, he looks back to see the flyer again, but it isn't there. As he looks around he...

can't spot it and a gloomy expression falls over his face as he looks back towards the store.
As I watch a ways off I begin to think. To this boy the flyer was a toy--perhaps a flying carpet or maybe a paper plane--but to his on looking father it looked just like an old paper. To the boy this paper led him to a whole different world. A world that only he can enter. It separates him from the worries of this world and leads him somewhere where there is no need for worrying, because it is safe. Only adventures. He can be whatever he wants and make that old flyer whatever he likes. It's a world that almost every kid can enter, but it seems once that kid grows up he no longer knows the way to that world. He forgets his past adventures and is lost in the real world; never more to venture into the world of make-believe.
I change my glance over to a little girl and her mother pulling a buggy out of the buggy station. As the mother begins to push the buggy to the store, she asks...

...her little girl if she would like to push. The eager little girls wraps her fingers around the buggy's 'wheel' and begins to drive over to the store. She follows along the lines of the parking lot and stops to look both ways before crossing the lanes between the rows of vehicles. Then she boosts up her engine and puts the gas pedal down. Before she knows it, she is going as fast as a race car! She looks around but she's not looking at things I see. She is looking beyond them. At trees and fields and mountains I cannot see. She lets the wind blow through her hair and imagines herself as one of those race-car drivers on a winding country road. Trees and tall cornfields pass by her like time dashing by so fast. As she approaches the last row, she looks both ways again before crossing then follows the curb towards the store door. But it's not a store door. It is the canopy over the entrance to a new city. And as the doors to this city close behind her, she follows its roads to places...

yet unknown to her.

By: Chelaina B.

Tell me your honest opinion. Does it make you think, like you're going into another world?
Be serious.

I am sort of defying the laws of writing. Just like some composers of music did. It's my story. I don't exactly have to write it according to all the rules.

Answer 1

i get the message you're trying to convey, but some of the punctuation could be better.
the paper thing was good, but after it i think you got a little too intense, like you were trying to squeeze meaning out of it but nothing was happening. maybe you could do something about the boys facial expressions to make it sound more real.
I thought the buggy paragraph was cute.

Answer 2

No it really doesn't. It really isn't even a story. It's just some observations. The writing isn't too bad, but there is no plot, no characters. It's just someone observing people from a car. This kind of observation is a good way to come up with ideas.

However you committed Point of View violations. You are writing in the first person. That means you can only comment on what YOU know and what YOU see. When you comment on the little girl seeing trees and mountains, you cannot say that because YOU cannot know that. You aren't inside her head. That is the biggest problem with writing in the first person. It seriously limits you in what you can say regarding other people. You could say "I imagine she is seeing trees and mountains..." but you cannot know that for certain.

Observation pieces are very nice to do, but without a plot there is no "story" here. Pax - C