poem critique?

Question

Of Dreams and Nightmares

In the night I feel the cold take hold
I reach for comfort and it is gone
I turn and turn trying to sleep
But tears washes sleep away
why am I so alone?
Why does love turn so cruel?
I am awake, but I dream,
Dreams of touches and caresses,
Whispers and kisses.
My dreams are my nightmares
my hopes are my despair
I try to reach out to others
But they turn away
Only in the final sleep can I feel no pain.
But my heart will not let me
It says dreams can come true
If I only truly believe.
Do you?

Answer 1

delete 'the' in 'the cold' - line 1
consider wash'' instead of washes
the rhetorical question, 'why am I so alone?' is floating, inconsistent with previous concern about sleeplessness.
consider a more poetic expression in 'Dreams of touches and caresses.' 'touches' is a bit too plain.
reconsider those several 'buts' and make them reflect substantive twists.
this last section is excellent especially ending with a rhetorical question:

But my heart will not let me
It says dreams can come true
If I only truly believe.
Do you?

but explore other word-choices and get rid of the cliche.



good luck

Answer 2

Okay. Not moving, but a good start.

Grammar note: one tear washes sleep away or many tears wash sleep away. You've got a confused tense there in line 4.

Much of contemporary poetry embellishes lyrics like these with details. I think that's what is not impressive about this. Bring me details, let me see the cruelty of love and the pain of insomnia take over. Try a little narrative with your lyric. It'll sharpen the taste of your poem like some good stone ground mustard seed.

Answer 3

nice poem.....and yes i do. just go for it, and dont stop until you get what you want.