When a Coming out transgender goes REALLLLY bad?

Question

Came out ftm a week ago to my mom. I thought-- geeze, she's seen this coming, she asked me some time ago if I was trans and at that time I said no, b/c I wasn't ready to tell her. so I figure she's asking, so I'll tell her, so I tell her and she proceeds to call me names, tell me that I'm immoral, tells me that I am bad for my kid, and that if I did transition she'd love me, but not be able to have a relationship with me. She also stated that I have lied to her my whole life b/c she's just finding this out now. She also suggested that someone must have talked me into being trans. I felt like I was beat down by some biggot and was totally traumatized by this. I have since backed down and now feel that maybe I'm a nutjob and would be bad if I did anything so I decided, maybe I don't have to transition and could find some middle ground, but that's not good enough and now I'm REALLY stuck b/c my mom is back to her "normal" with me b/c she thinks I won't transition, but i think I NEED to.

Also, I am really confused. I read that (based on some of my mom's info) that people with GID have Borderline personality disorder, and need mental help not a sex change. Am I really insane? Am I way off? Is GID real? My mom has me for a loop now. I was in therapy for 3 yrs and was confident and felt sure about everything until my mom was told. Now I question everything about my GID. I really don't think I can or should transition w/o her emotional help and understanding. I need her to tell me it's OK, but I don't think she's going to, so therefore I need to make more groundwork, or just forget it. I am sad.

Answer 1

>>Also, I am really confused. I read that (based on some of my mom's info) that people with GID have Borderline personality disorder, and need mental help not a sex change.<<

Where on earth did you read that?

That's sure as hell not from the DSM-IV or any reputable source on mental health or psychiatry. Imho, put it in the same category as the people who claim that being gay is a form of pathalogical sexual addiction - ie, idiots talking out of their own asses.

I'm really, really sorry about your mom. My dad reacted very similarly. And he's a very intelligent man with formidable debate skills, and basically made an ongoing project of attempting to convince me that I was insane. I ended up putting off starting T (I'm a transman) for a year longer after that **** hit the fan.

I think you need some time away from your mom. You need to ground yourself - with your friends, your job or school, your hobbies, absolutely anything that is absolutely yours, that she can't take away or damage, and that reminds you that you are a decent and competent person.

You've been hurt, very badly, and very recently. You're still realing from it. Give yourself time and space to recover - and at the same time, hopefully give her a chance to calm down a bit. She's hysterical right now. What she says has little of anything to do with who you actually are or whether transition is a good idea for you - it has everything to do with your mom being terrified and angry and confused and in pain, and lashing out at the sudden new information that she can't cope with yet.

Impossible though it really is, try hard not to let anything she says right now get to you. It isn't really about you. If you have a good therapist, they may be able to help you do this. If not, friends can work damn well too. And don't write off the possibility that your mom might come around eventually. It's only been a week - it may take years, but she could still end up an ally.

Unfortuantely, it doesn't sound like you're going to be able to count on your mom's support before you transition. Many parents will never really cope until absolutely forced to - ie, it takes actually transitioning before the situation becomes "real" to them. Only then do they begin to adjust.

You may have to learn to do without your mom's support. It's awful and it hurts, but it can be done, and you may be close to her again later. Again, count on friends here, friends you have now and friends you will meet along the way. They're the most wonderful thing in the world.

Answer 2

I'm FTM as well, and I know exactly how it feels. My dad (the only one I considered a parent in the first place) is equally unsupportive. I haven't actually come out, but it was implied in a conversation and--like you--I was completely beat down and traumatized.

I've tried to find the "middle ground" as you call it, but it's only driven me deeper into the depression I was already wallowing in.

Personally, I don't plan on transitioning because I know I could never pass as male, even if I did. But transitioning is one of those things.. if you really feel you need it, you have to follow through no matter what the costs.

Give your mom time to come around. Don't push your beliefs on her, and don't let her push hers on you. Persue what you believe is right; if she sees that it's going to help you love life, she might learn to accept it. You might lose your mother in the process, but it will be worth it if you find yourself.

I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 3

Hey there....

REMEMBER... you went through therapy for 3 years to come to terms with you... You and your therapist did this...

Now your mother is just scared and confused and also ignorant on the true issues of GID.... you and your therapist know way more than your mother.

Be strong and true to you..... Parental reactions are very hard to take... My father turned his back in me... after a lot of hurtful and nasty things being said... He had lots of fears... how others were going to view him... he felt it ment he failed as a father... they were all his issues.. not mine... I worked on mine with my therapist.... just as you have done.

But.. he had to actually grieve the loss of one child to accept the new person.

Hopefully your mother will be the same.. but if not... Be true to you...

Answer 4

You are what you are and that cannot be changed. It doesn't matter if even your own mother chooses to deny who you are. Denial on her behalf is a funny thing. She is probably just hurt that she believed you to be one way and was wrong (or right...). She gave birth to you and no matter what, she and you will forever be a part of one another. I wish you all the luck in the world.

Answer 5

Your moms reaction of degrading you for expressing what you might be is just a shame. Sounds like your mom is more interested in your existence pleasing her, then you acutally being happy. Find out what makes you happy, and do what is best for you. Anything else will just leave you empty, and unfilled.

Answer 6

I can't believe your mom... she should love you no matter what!

If you don't transition, you're in good company. I made a site for transgendered people who don't transiton:

http://www.geocities.com/girlinside123/

Answer 7

I think you are confused and need some professional help, as well as a good hearty smack to get your mind on important things.

Does it really matter how you're plumbed, or what kind of clothes you wear? Get real. Be yourself. If you're a boy worried that you're a girl, I'd say you've had too much time on your hands to think about silly shite like this.

Answer 8

that is so sad no offense but i think i hate your mom i think she should accept you for who you are and not call you names and crap i mean jeez
i say do the transition and tell anybody who gets on your case about it to f*ck off!

sorry i feel really srongly about this

Answer 9

If ya have to and ya can, you should, I think. Parents try to jamb their children into a mold, and sometimes you just can't force a square peg into a round hole.

~Cindy! :)

Answer 10

I'm sorry to hear that she was so mean to you. All I have is a link to a site with resources for transgender people.

http://transgender.org/

You were right. She is a bigot.