son just told me that he is homosexual. Now I live in terror of my husband’s reaction and the consequent destruction of my family when he finds out. I imagine he’ll blame me for being too soft a mother, cut our son out of his life and that will be the end of my life and of our family.
Should I tell my husband, play dumb and allow him to figure it out eventually for himself?
What if he asks me? Should I say I knew, or act surprised along with him?
Should my son tell his father or just hide the fact, wait till he finishes his studies and moves away from home?
Maybe we can all avoid and deny the situation and continue to live forever as if everything was completely normal.
My husband is not a bad man, just a product of his family and society. I love them both.
2007-09-21 11:49:50 · 24 answers · asked by greenwillowtrie 3 in Society & Culture ➔ Cultures & Groups ➔ Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender
http://pflag.org
This site will help you immensely. I suggest talking things over with your son, knowing his mind and what he wants is the best thing you can do.
Let me thank you for being supportive of your son. Many of us never had that growing up.
2007-09-21 11:53:17 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 1⤋
Even if we have loved ones who are homosexual, a lot of us feel as your husband does, and don't agree with it. Unfortunately, you are caught in the middle, between two entirely different realities.
Since your son is still living at home, I see no constructive purpose in his divulging his preference to his father at this time. It would just be opening up a big, messy can of worms. Some things are better left unsaid. I'm not sure I understand why gay people feel some great need to "announce" this to everyone to begin with. I'm sure your husband will be devastated by the news if and when he ever finds out, so why hasten the process?
Yes, I do think it would be best to conceal this for as long as you can. Avoid the topic at all costs. I'm sure your son probably never expected to bring boyfriends home to meet the parents anyway, so I don't see why he can't just keep it all quiet as long as he stays there. Help him keep his secret. You don't need any angry confrontations!
2007-09-21 20:56:32 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
1.)How do you deal with people who have such a cruel outlook on your lifestyle? Never had to (aside from on the internet) fortunately. 2.)Is it common to see the double standard of the acceptance of lesbians and not gay men? I don't know but I think I might know their "reasoning"; when people make reference to the Bible about Homosexuality, since there is not mention of Lesbianism being wrong, they would focus on male homosexuality since there is. Though those people don't realize that since the Bible was physically written by man much of the Bible was a collection of socieltal rules of the time (and it would be easier to get people to follow your rules if they think it's the word of God); for example most of those people refer to the Levitical law against homosexual relations between men. However, there are 613 Levitical laws many of them concerning only historically applicable themes that reflect more the cultural of the time then God's will and it is all considered one covenant, so if you mess up on one thing you've broke all of the laws. The other is Romans 1:26-to 1:32 written by the Apostle Paul; many people translate that as the opposition to Pederasty - a common practice of the Romans at the time rather then Homosexuality between concenting adults or condeming Heterosexuals who commint Homosexual acts. Plus the Bible has been translated numerous amounts of times and things are bound to get lost in translaition. As far as Lesbianism not being mentioned I'd assume it was because of the misogynistic culture during the time the bible was written. And then the New Testament teaches forgiveness and mercy: Christ is the embodiment of the Law, the word of God made flesh. That law is put to the death on the cross so that we may live in grace the grace of God, and not in the condemnation of the law. Meaning, all of the laws made by man in the Old Testement (including the one condeming Homosexuality) were abolished when Jesus died on the cross.
2016-05-20 04:58:57 · answer #3 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is best that you do not tell your husband and then tell your son he is not doing the best for himself. Your son may have had some gender nonconformity that caused him to think he was born gay. Your son will not ever tell your husband and he is as terrified as you are. Tell your son that he can help the situation by not living as a homosexual while he is in your home, and then you will not have to lie to your husband. Your son is only a homosexual if he acts out sexual acts with other guys. He may have thoughts, but thoughts can be resisted. Your son may even find that he is not a homosexual, and he had gender nonconformity all these years. Not all children with gender nonconformity are gay. Tell your son to look into gender nonconformity. It is something different than homosexuality. Pay know attention to what science is saying about gender nonconformity causing a child to be gay, it can, but it is only an influence for some.
2007-09-23 01:36:35 · answer #4 · answered by ishelp4 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are like millions of parents that one is homophobic. Your son was right to tell you about him being Gay.It is NOT a Sin or perversion as so many so Called Christians Preach!
I know that Christians that are straight and do many things in there bedroom that is a Big NO! NO!. As far as they think!
Your husband should know as long he will not BEAT HIM UP or KICK HIM OUT or CAST HIM FROM THE FAMILY!
You need to take your husband somewhere for a weekend and tell him and let it sink in for a couple of days so he does not overreact in front of your son...Denial will never work out for some day the truth will come out to him and it is just as well get it out in the open now rather than by chance, because that could be allot worst.We are living in a new world and we should never turn our heart or backs on anyone who is differant in any shape or form... People take the bible and religion to extremes and that has caused horrible wars and killing to this very day! You say the words "Completely Normal" Your son is normal! just like your you and your husband! It has nothing to do how he was raised! It is normal as being born with 10 fingers and toes.. Do not show shame or play dumb! Have the Courage to tell him.. When you were married it was for BETTER or WORST and let me tell you your son could be other things FAR WORST than being Gay!
Rapist, Murderer, and so on! Good Luck.
2007-09-21 12:10:38 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Its better to get it out in the open now. Yes it will be tough, but the later you wait the harder it will be for your son to say anything. And the last thing your son will want is for his father to find out from someone else. What helps is if you have an uncle or aunt there as well when your son decides to say anything. You can't help the way your husband thinks, but trying to help him understand that there really isn't anything wrong with being gay, and that his son is still the same man.
2007-09-21 12:00:19 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Yes, I understand. Many men have the same mentality. Until someone they know bursts their little homophobic bubble, and they are faced with reality. You sound like a very smart, good-thinking lady. I'm sure you know that no matter what happens with your husband, you will be OK. Your son will love you for accepting him for who he is, too.
Your response depends -- if you think he will take it better coming from you, then go ahead & tell him. If you think he should hear it from his son, then let your son tell him. Don't bury the truth -- it's 2007 already! LOL
Maybe your husband will get over it, or not -- whatever happens is HIS responsibility. Don't claim ownership of his hangups & fears. Facing fears is the best way to overcome them, don't you agree?
Good luck, sweetie -- hope you all weather the storm, small OR large!
2007-09-21 11:59:09 · answer #7 · answered by Sweetie P 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
There is nothing normal about your husband's homophobia, which comes from his family's ignorance. And there is nothing abnormal about your son's homosexuality, which is part of nature's sexual spectrum. Did you know, for example, that 17% of female seagulls exhibit lesbian behavior? Another poster was quite right that you contact www.pflag.org for guidance. They are a wonderful group of supporters for just this sort of thing.
You must be strong and accept your son and even stronger when you two will have to discuss this with your husband. Many men will learn to accept a child's gayness when the mother (and his wife) shows no judgement.
Your husband may become angry, disgusted, even threaten that your son leave the house, but all of that should pass if you are firm and loving to both guys.
My very best to you! My heart goes out to you and I know you will do the best for everyone.
Frederic Kahler
2007-09-21 12:12:10 · answer #8 · answered by frederic-kahler 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Difficult situation. It's very hard to change the mind set of someone who has been a lifelong homophobe. It can be done, but it usually takes professional counselling.
Neither you nor your son should confront your husband with this information. If your son needs to remain at home until he finishes his studies, then the price he will pay for doing that is maintaining silence. After he leaves, he can live whatever lifestyle he chooses.
The most likely scenario is that your husband will go ballistic when your son finally makes him aware of his lifestyle choice - and then your husband is going to forbid you to see your son. That's where you have to find the backbone to say, "No. He's my son, I love him, and I can live with his life choices. If you can't, it's your loss. But I intend to continue to see him."
That won't be easy, but it something you will have to do. Over time he may soften in his attitude - or he may not. You can't be responsible for the way he thinks.
Good luck to all three of you - you have some difficult times ahead, but just remember that loving your husband doesn't mean cutting yourself off from you son.
2007-09-21 11:56:34 · answer #9 · answered by old lady 7 · 3⤊ 2⤋
I think you should support his decisions, he is still your son. I am not a homosexual but I would treat my kids the same way no matter what they wanted to be or do. Your husband will have to mature and realize those things. It's kinda funny because it's almost like he asked for it , I mean, being a homophobe and poking fun at them.
There is no room for blame, so don't let your husband blame you for anything,I have read things saying that you are just born that way.
2007-09-21 11:58:26 · answer #10 · answered by Notorious LJo 4 · 2⤊ 1⤋
your husband may not be a bad man, but he sure is a hateful man. I think it would make you a bad person if you asked your son to hide who he is just so you don't have to see your husband blow up about it. Your son can and will tell him whenever he's ready. If he wants to wait until he leaves the house then that's up to him. if your husband asks you if you knew, you tell him the truth. the fact that you have to lie just to avoid your husbands rage, shows he has a serious problem.
2007-09-21 11:57:59 · answer #11 · answered by Me 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋