How do you let go of your 14 year relationship and marriage. I have 3 kids with him. How do you move on? Hes?

Question

a drunk, a abuser emotionaly to me as well as occasionally physically, a liar, cheater, but when he says hes sorry i always forgive him. I wonder why i love him if its because thats have ive always felt for this long? Ive left him yet again but how do i move on? How do you make the love go away in your heart and how do you begin to pick up and start new without the person youve been together with since high school?

Answer 1

Honey... I feel your pain. I think you know that you HAVE to move on... his behavior shows that he is not ready nor probably will ever be ready to care for, love, and support you and your children... but the pain that you are feeling is natural. It is hard to devote your life to someone who just can't see past their own selfish desires in order to care for you like you do for him.

It is hard, but you can focus on making your life better...and the life of your children more peaceful and nurturing. Focus on taking care of you and those children. You don't have to make the love in your heart for this man go away... and you can accept the things that you've learned along the way as a blessing.... even if it means learning that you deserve to be treated better than he has been treating you.

I think the best thing to do is actually physically get away from him.... make him move - and if he won't - you try to find a way to get away from him.... whether it is to a family member's or friend's house... or even a battered women's shelter. Anything is safer and better than remaining in the same house with him.

As you distance yourself from him and his abusive and self-abusive behavior, you will begin to see the importance of living for yourself and those children.... and when he comes back (and he will) and apologizes, tell him that you DO forgive him... but that you want him to show you, by the way he lives for the next year or so, that he really wants to change. YOU cannot change him.... if he decided that you are worth it, he will get counseling, go to rehab, and find a way to be a better husband and father.

I doubt he is ready for that.... and you have to realize that the only person you can change is YOU... now is the time, while you are thinking clearly, to move forward with your life and do what is best for the children AND you.

Good luck - stay focused - and it will get better with time... I know everyone says that... but the longer you are away form his influence, the better it will get for you and your children.

Answer 2

Give your friends a chance to get to know your man before asking their opinion. I'm sure the age difference will get their attention, but once they get to know the wonderful man he is, your happiness will be more important. My question is why haven't you told them yet? If some of your friends DO judge you, then you need to let them know that you're happy and in love, and if they can't support that, then they don't need to be around you. I honestly don't think you have anything to worry about. You have been together long enough to know if any problems are going to arise between you, and it sounds like all is going well. I think you are really worrying too much about something that really isn't an issue anymore. There are so many relationships out there where one spouse is significantly older than the other, and they last for a lifetime. The things that truly matter are how you and your man feel about each other, and if your life goals are the same. If you can see yourself walking the same path with him ten or twenty years from now, then that's what matters. If you're looking for an example, look at Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones. They have a 25 year age difference, and they are madly in love. I hope I have helped to ease your mind. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! I wish you and your fiance many years of wedded bliss. God bless you.

Answer 3

What you feel may be love, or it may simply be a fear of moving into the unknown-- that "better the Devil you know than the Devil you don't" routine. And there may be feelings left from BEFORE he was like this to you-- because after all, I would think you hadn't gotten together with him KNOWING he was doing these things (abusers hide these things very well-- it's not always a conscious thing on their part, it's just how it works psychologically).

I have no doubt, either, that your husband is actually truly sorry for what he does-- that's another pattern, another cycle. But it doesn't mean that it's right and that it shouldn't stop.

If he does not want to seek help, if he refuses to go to counseling and refuses to REALLY see-- and that means act upon the fact that he knows-- that this is hurting you, then for your sake, AND for your children's, it's time to move on. The tie you feel is a combination of regret, lingering affection for the past, and fear for the future. But how can it get worse?

You can't make the fondness/ love "go away"-- you simply have to temper it with the knowledge that getting out of what is a destructive and abusive cycle is a good thing, and try and hold onto your health and dignity. What was once a good thing back in high school is not a good and healthy thing now. And don't kid yourself: it will hurt, you will cry. But you will be so much stronger when there's no one there holding you down-- literally or emotionally.

Good luck sweetie, and God bless.

Answer 4

I'm really sorry this has happened to you.
First of all you need to make a clean break.
If not for you, then for your children. You need to break yourself away from him. Stay in contact only for the children (and thats only if you think he is safe to be around them - thats a different matter. If not then get a solicitor and sort out the family issues)
You need to take your life step by step.
First of all, find one night a week, or a fortnight, or even a month to yourself. Find a babysitter, let your hair down with your friends. You may not feel like it, but force yourself to go out. have a laugh, a couple of drinks, meet people.
Talk to friends and family. They are a huge help. It is important to not be alone at a time like this. Visit your parents, visit your grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles.
Talk to your children, find out how they are all feeling about this. If they want to see their dad, thats a different issue. You need to work round this. I don't know what that side of the situation is.
14 years is a very, very long time. You are bound to love him. I understand, sympathise and empathise what you must feel like because I have been there (not for fourteen years!) with an emotionally abusive man.
It may seem like the end of world now. But gradually, ever so gradually, time will heal the wounds.
Be strong for yourself and your children.
I wish you the very, very best of luck. Please email me if you need to talk to anyone 'outside' the box.
Good luck sweetheart. You are your children are in my thoughts.

Answer 5

If you like being abused, then you will go back to him. If you are tired of this treatment, then you will quickly forget him and move on. You don't always have answers on why we love someone, but you have to learn to love yourself more than you love him. If you stay, your kids will soon pick up on how he treats you and treat you the same way. I was abused, and still love the man, because I have kids by him, but I don't love him for any other reason, I also was with him since I was young, but one day finally woke up that I was dieing inside because of the way I was getting treated. I moved on and was never happier after a short period. Hang in there, and give yourself a time limit, if you are not feeling better about yourself, then go back, but give yourself honest time to make your life better.

Answer 6

Just trust what is in your head and try to ignore your heart. If you don't he will eventually hurt you really bad or kill you. Any man that abuses a woman he so called "loves" is not a man and he does not love you. Love does not hurt. I am glad you left him now don't look back, file a restraining order and keep your kids away from him too. If he get crazy enough he will try anything. Good Luck and God Bless!!

Answer 7

Holy cow ... I was that guy, almost I never got physical and rarely drink but everything else is on the money. 14 years married an i was a fool and had to tell her myself. you never really get over the hurt and it takes even longer to work through the pain. My whole life changed before my eye's. Friends and family took sides. We got divorced but we still had to be there for our kids it took us about a year to realize that we really wanted to work things out together and it has taken 7 more years of working together for us to get to appoint were the trust has returned. we are talking about getting married again. loosing everything i had and fighting all these years to get her back was my wake up call. I'm sure I haven't answered as to how to move on because I don't really know how I guess. My ex says to tell you to go back to school that may be a good start for you. when you spend half your life with someone it can take another life time to get over them. good luck to you hope and prayers to keep you and yours safe .

Answer 8

One question at a time, plz.

You have to ask yourself WHY you 'love' this abuser in the first place.

Hopefully you'll realize that you do not love him and 'really' leave for good this time.

And dont jump right into another relationship as soon as your 'emotionally' free.

Rebound romance is fun but not forever !

Good luck, sweetie !!!

Answer 9

He's been a habit for you. Would you tolerate insults, threats, pushing, shoving, lying and disrespect from your girlfriends or sister, brother or parents? Yet, you tolerate this from a person who claims to love you? You can't honestly say you love it when a man hits you, has sex with another woman, disrespects you, insults you. If you say you love that, then you need some professional help, girl.

Answer 10

14 years is a long time hon,but do you really want to keep living like this,,you will be able to move on,it takes a whole lot off heartache and pain wondering if you have done the right thing,but you will get there,you will probably always love him deep down,but gradually you will begin to move on,and find true love again with someone who treats you with love and respect like you deserve,,,good luck too you xxx