We were married for 20 years with 3 boys. He has been an alcoholic all our married life. I had an affair on him. The guilt and pain is killing me! I felt lonely. I know it wasnt right!!!! We have had sex and continue to play around with each other and still have alot of feelings for each other. He is doing the bar scene every night and dating as well. I am hoping that he will ask me to remarry him someday in the near future. Is there any hope at all for us? And how do I gain his trust back? Thank you all for your answers. Dont be affraid to offend me or be hard on me. I deserve it!
2007-09-21 08:26:27 · 25 answers · asked by debbie 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He needs help for his drinking...Nothing has changed with him so what makes you think he will be able to make you happy now? You were lonely and looked to another man. I am not going to be hard on you cause you seem to think it is all your fault for what has happened and it isn't it takes two. You both should get some counseling together if you want it to work out. If he doesn't want to go then go for yourself. You deserved to be loved.....
2007-09-21 08:39:21 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Number one issue must be addressed (which is exactly what you were doing passively when you had an affair with him) - You must deal with the alcoholism. That doesn't sound like it's gone away and until it does, you won't be happy together.
But.. he's not the only one with a problem. You also have to address your propensity to find love in another man's arms as a way with dealing with your problems. Only hope for a remarriage is couples counseling. That's step one.
The mistakes you are making now are:
1 - Sleeping with him. Instead - Invite him over for dinner and do it on "Friday nights" or whatever night he's clubbing.
2 - Feeling guilty. Instead - Talk to him about your actions and why you did it and then, tell him you are sorry... then drop it. Your guilt is causing you to continue to make wrong decisions. Loose it. It looks bad on you anyway.
3 - Don't focus on "gaining his trust back" Instead - talk to him about new beginnings. You focusing on "gaining his trust" puts you at the disadvantage. If it is going to work... you're going to have to go in as equals.
Good luck.
2007-09-21 08:40:06 · answer #2 · answered by keysfunding 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, the way I see it, forgiving someone over an affair or a night stand would depend on the circumstances and making sure that they wouldn't do it again.
So, everything is possible if you two still love each other.
Why don't you also ask him directly.
It's better to show him and tell him how you feel and not play games with him, so that at least he knows what he is doing and take some responsibility in it too.
Good luck. I hope it works out for the two of you.
xxx
2007-09-21 08:35:17 · answer #3 · answered by Kc 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It must have been very difficult to cope with his drinking for all those years and perhaps the main responsibility for raising your family was on your shoulders? This alone would have driven you apart and then you found comfort with another. Have you discussed why you had the affair, does he understand and does he forgive?
With three boys you will always have contact with your ex. I would not rush into anything. Looks like he will need help with the drinking. Do you really want to go back to living with an alcoholic? Could you cope with it all again? There are stacks of questions you will need to ask yourself.
There is ALWAYS hope where love is concerned.
2007-09-21 09:48:33 · answer #4 · answered by ♦♣ alex ♠♥ 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well it depends on your ex husband and how he feels about it. If he wants to continue seeing you or start over again then you definitely have a chance. From the sounds of it it seems like he is trying to just have fun at the moment and may not be interested in getting back with you. Cheating is something that shouldn't be taken lightly and he's just acting on that. Maybe later in the future once he forgives and forgets there might be a chance. Only way to find out is to ask.
2007-09-21 08:33:19 · answer #5 · answered by Txgirl23 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Theres no need to lay any more guilt on you here. The biggest question now is can both of you forgive and forget, and move on past all this? He will need help with his alcoholism and maybe you to help cope with your own guilt feelings. Anything in todays world is possible but in this case both of you must want the same future in order to overcome and make this work out again. Also you will need to remove the factors from the equatin that led you to sray or else history will repeat itself and thats not good for anyone here. So quit doing the self guilt trip and start doing something that will make this work. Good luck
2007-09-21 08:40:38 · answer #6 · answered by Arthur W 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Please,dont be hard on yourself. Recently,i often surf online and make a few of friends. I learned a lot from a friend who is from sugarmommymeet.com,so he is seasoned on this things. First,what was the reason of your affairs? Second,do you really love a alcoholic? Third,he is doing the bar scene every night and dating,do you really accept those? Think these problems over you will get the answer
2007-09-22 14:47:27 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sure there is hope but he has to give up dating others first. Maybe he's not willing to do that? But for sure I wouldn't be having sex with him now if he is dating you know he could be giving something you don't want. And with bar scene girls yet?? I question myself if your willing to go for the drinking problem and every night yet? I know I think I would take a break from this whole mess and see after a few months if it's pure need or do you really want to be with him.
2007-09-21 08:58:53 · answer #8 · answered by Carol 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There is always hope. I think you guys need to start from the beginning again. Be friends first, then something more intimate. Get to know each other again. I do feel that he would need to get help with his alcoholism...But whatever you guys do...continue to be honest with one another. And if you BOTH are really serious about giving it another try...it can only be you and him. I would also suggest marriage counseling. Trust is something that is always difficult to win back. Maybe with a third party, it can help the situation. Good Luck to you!
2007-09-21 08:35:50 · answer #9 · answered by ljoc421 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Seems like you both have hurt each other.....his drinking I am sure was no picnic to endure and the thought of you with another man is something he will not forget any time soon.
In answer to your question, if you both want it, and both fight for it, there is NO REASON in the world you cannot make another go of it! No reason at all!
Your husband needs to stop drinking, and of course you need to be faithful, but I think with some work on both of your parts, and maybe some counseling, you two can be better than ever together! Good luck!
2007-09-21 08:31:34 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋