Should I leave?

Question

I have been married now for 3 yrs. I am no longer in love with him, am not even attracted to him. We lived together for 3 yrs before we got married. I have 2 boys and he has 1 girl all living with us. The girls mother does not come around and I really dont want to leave her with him. She is as much mine as the boys are. He isnt a bad father, he is just there. I do everything, pay all the bills buy everything, I am really just tired. I dont know if I can leave her behind, but at the same time I feel like I am dying staying here. Any advice??

let me clarify, yes I pay everything and do everything around the house, plus I am in school and babysit after school. My husband works and gets a regular paycheck, plus does some side work(he is a mechanic), but when it comes to paying the bills, he has no idea where his money goes. This has been going on for a long time and he refuses marriage counseling and gets mad when I try to discuss the issue. He refuses to take care of himself, has teeth falling out( all within the last year), wears the same darned uniforms everyday, refuses to scrub his fingernails and get the grease off, stays out in his shop till all hours of the night, I dont want to just come out and say that he disgusts me, but Augh!! I just dont want to leave this little girl that I have raised since her 1st birthday. He wont let me adopt her, so I feel like my hands are tied.

Answer 1

Why are you giving up without trying to work things out? There is a reason you married this man, because things get dull really is not a reason to leave.

Get marriage counseling and try to work things out. The spark can be reignited if you are both willing to try.

Good luck.

Answer 2

Most people fall out of love with their spouses at some point. But you can't fall out of love with yourself and your life. Find and do things that make you feel like a whole and happy person.

I'm so anti-marriage that I can't even believe I'm saying this but you need to find a way to make your marriage work. You didn't say anything about him being abusive and stuff, so I'm guessing that he's just not romantic or isn't giving you the attention that most women require, right? So he's not a bad guy just not an ideal mate at this particular time in your life. Start treating YOURSELF special and maybe he will too.

I don't know why he isn't helping with the bills or why you're doing everything but don't you think you need to stop doing everything? If you do it all, what is there left for him to do. Stop being an enabler. Step back and allow him to step up...within reason...(in other words, don't let the children suffer if he's not financially able to pay utility bills and stuff).

I think you may know where I'm coming from and going to with this message. I'm not beating you up so don't take this as an attack on you. You asked the question for suggestions and that's all I'm doing. Take them or ignore them but don't kill the messenger.

Answer 3

First, I am sorry about your situation. It must be very difficult caught between the child and a failed marriage. If there's no hope of repair then you're only hope is to be able to divorce 'happily'. Does your spouse feel the same way that you do about the marriage or would the topic of divorce be a total surprise? The suprise element would likely make the topic of being able to see your step-daughter more difficult to bring up. If the two of you can work a divorce on good terms then I wouldn't think that there would be a problem. That is, until he meets someone else. They may not understand your relationship with your ex and may see the continued contact with your step-daughter as an attempt to get him back. In any case, you have to take care of yourself and your emotions first. Good luck and take care.

Answer 4

My advise is to examine what has gone wrong and to see if there's not anything you can do to save your marraige. You've been together for a total of six years and you have been married for three years. I don't know how long you knew him before beginning to live together, but I can't help but wonder how you guys got to know each other, what attracted you to him in the first place, and how after three years of living together you decided marraige was the right decision. Because now, three yesars later, it sounds like you don't feel anything for him.

From what you say, it sounds like he may not be doing a whole lot to contribute to your household, and overall life. You say you're paying the bills, doing all the shopping, and when it comes to aprenting, he's "just there" -so I assume you're doing the parenting as well. That's sad, and I can understand how you would be tired and feel like you're dying.

One of the main things that can keep a marraige going strong is working together towards a better future, and from the sounds of it, if he's not doing anything to contribute to that, then how could you possibly remain exceited about the life and future you guys share together.

Try explaining to him where you are at with everything. Tell him that he is running very close to losing his wife if he doesn't start to contribute.

Try remembering what it was that you loved about him in the first place, granted people change over time, but try to see if any of that initial spark is still there. Share this with him, because maybe he's become complacent and needs to be made aware of the fact that he's "just there". If given the chance, maybe he will step up and start contributing to the home, as a parent, as a husband. Maybe he will surprise you, and maybe you will end up attracted to him again.

Marraige is a promise, to your spouse, and if married in the church, a promise to God as well. I don't know if that is important to you, but if it is, remind yourself that you made a sacrament (sacrifice) to God. When you take vows, and they talk about the "best of times", and the "worst of times", it's because you need to be prepared to sacrifice through those bad times. making it through good times is easy, making it through hard times is not, but they both contribute to a strong and rewarding marraige.

I guess I'm just trying to give you some things to think about and to consider. Sorry so long, but overall try to hangING in there. Try some couples therapy, OR or even just therapy for you. Talking can really help. Sometimes people just aren't aware of what they are/aren't doing and the affect they're having on their spouse. Give him, those kids, & yourself a chance to keep that promise.

Answer 5

I still can't believe people when they say we are not attracted to the person we married couple years back. What is the difference when you were in the aisle saying "I do" when you knew that the same person you married you will spend the rest of your life with. What you need to do is take a vacation alone and try to relax until you will miss them and go back. And the second vacation should be with your husband and try to make him understand then you are doing everything you can, so you can keep the house the way it is. Have some time alone and relax think about everything. and think about your children, do you really want your children to grow up with no father in the house?

Answer 6

You had married a layed back, passive man for a reason, and if you think by leaving him you will find someone who is different, you won't, only because there is a reason you picked this type of guy. A man who is passive makes you feel in control. Being in control has given you most of the responsibilities in the household, therefore most of the power in the relatinship, in your mind anyway. You do this because it presents a case where your guy gets totally dependant on you and therefore needs you. You must first seek advice from a professional as to why you feel that the only way to hold on to a guy is for him to need you. Until you do this, even if you leave you will still continue to repeat the same mistakes with someone else. Best of luck to you!

Answer 7

I think you need to earn your way out of a marriage. What can be done to save it? "In love" is not all it's cracked up to be. The new wears off, and we are left with "real love", not the fairytale, "In love" that makes you want to eat the person like candy when you meet them in the beginning. If he doesn't have a job and you're paying all the bills, maybe he'll be willing to straighten up if you let him know it's not going to go down like this anymore. I think you should at least try marital counseling with him before bailing. You already said he's a good father. Is he good to you too? However, once you've done all you can do to try to salvage it, and if you're still unhappy, you have a God-given right to live your one life to it's fullest potential. If you know you cannot give this man 100%, you're not doing him any favors. Also, it's not good for the kids to see you just "settling" in life. They need to see healthy relationships. As far as his daughter, I know your pain. I've felt torn in that arena before too, but what it comes down to ultimately is that the daughter is HIS responsibility. Your children are your responsibility. If he'd allow it, you could still be in her life. Just not in the same fashion. If not, then you have to just move on as it would be "one of those things you cannot do anything about". Do some inner soul searching before making any final decisions. Good luck.

Answer 8

I know you are tired, been there, done that.
I'm sure you're thinking, what do I need him around for since "I'm" doing all the work?

If you said yes to that, you'd better start talking to him soon. Does he have any idea how unhappy you are? If not, let him know so you don't have any regrets if you decide to leave.
Make sure you do give it your all, which I think you have no "respect for him", because "he's just there", I'm sure he isn't doing much to help out.

Well make him start taking on some of your responsibilities. Sit down and make a list of everything you do, start with your day from the beggining to the end and on weekends.
Sit down with your husband and tell him you want to talk about your marriage, but would he please in his privacy sit down and make a list of what he does everyday and separate Saturdays and Sundays from waking up to bed.
Then when both are done, sit down, go over your lists, both on the table, so no one can make any changes yet. Then discuss them and tell him just how tired you are.
Tell him you need to "shift" some of your stuff over to his side of the paper and both have to agree.

You may not be in love with him, you may, I know you can't have much respect for him, and that's a tough one to live with. So, instead of telling him any of that first try the "List of Responsibilities" .
This will help to free up some "you time" which you are very much in need of.
Oh, and he brought that child into the world, he needs to learn how to raise her and that can be done with your help in....assisting him, and you no longer taking full responsibility of his daughter, and I know you love her and care about her well being, but kick his butt on that one, because if you do leave, won't you feel better knowing that you did everything you could do to make him a participate in her life as well as yours?

Answer 9

Well, if custody of her is what you really want.... you will need to adopt her. If not, then, as much as you love her you will have to realize she is not yours, she is his.
If you legally adopt her, then you will have more grounds to sue for custody.
Sit down and talk this out with him. Give him the option of taking the little girl with you and allowing him to come to visit her as much as he likes. Set it up like a legal seperation at first then go for more later.
Before doing any of this, I would attempt some counseling. You have been with him 6 years, you obviously loved him at some point. What happened?
A counselor could help you sort this out, and maybe fix some of the major problems that have caused you two to grow apart.
It is worth a shot.
You may fall back in love with him once you take him to be repaired.... lol. Good luck. :o)

Answer 10

When love is gonne you can't do anything and I really believe that your husband is an useless what do you need a man like this for? but do the right thing, try to get the legal custody of the little girl if you really want her with you and continue with your life it's gonna be a better life for you and the children and about that "male" not being a real man you have in your house living on your shoulders leave him the trash has to be with the trash get over it!!!!