We have been married for 23 years and even though we have had plenty of good times we also had our share of pain. He says he wants his freedom, he can not be himself around me, says he loves me but does not want to be married anymore. I am confused and hurt by this. He had no direct complaints about me until recently he started saying that I criticize people and keep him away from certain people. Which is mainly his sister who is not a nice person and she is the one who really does that. (they also had a "relationship" together until they were 17 & 18 so I feeI very uncomfortable with her) I told him I do not understand why I am the one being ripped from his life and she is still in it when I have only tried to defend myself and our family from her. I do ok some days and others I am a real mess and can barely function. Our 17 yr of son is with him and they went out of state without telling me. He is a narcissist which makes our lives hard but I still love him. Any Advice on anything?
2007-09-21 04:27:09 · 10 answers · asked by just me 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Yes, that is the type of relationship they had. I never said he could not see her but since she made my life miserable he knew I was not in favor of contact. I did step back for the last 3 years and did not say much. They barely spoke to one another until May. Now she is his best buddy and saying hateful things about me. I feel like she is jealous of me being with him. When a conflict did arise with her over the years he has never once sided with me. Thank you. Never really thought that family would come before me but that is what has is the past and is continueing to happen. I never felt like I kept him from seeing anyone. The people we did not spend time with he complained to me about the way they treated him. Do you suppose he may not even understand his own feelings? He does say he wants to be like best friend. He called another woman to see how she was feeling while I was recovering from surgery. One month before, he told his dad I was the best thing that ever happened to him!!
2007-09-21 04:52:24 · update #1
Also, help me with this. The sister is also rude and makes fun of our kids and he does not stop her or defend our children against her.
2007-09-21 04:54:04 · update #2
Sorry another tidbit. When he called the friends wife to see how she was feeling while I was in bed recovering from surgery, he had refused to go to the hospital with me for my surgery because "there was nothing in it for him". He also drove past the hospital twice while I was there to go to lunch with his friend and did not stop in.
2007-09-21 04:56:48 · update #3
What about the part of him saying he loves me and he still wants to have a physical relationship with me? I thought I had let go but something happened and now here I am again. I am easily confused by this because he does say he loves me and wants to still have family vacations, holidays togethers, and basically continue like normal but we live in different houses and I take care of myself. We have/had a 20 yr old business too and now he says I did nothing to help with it and I should not get anything from it. One moment I am mad because he says all my work never mattered and taking care of the kids does not count but the next moment I want to call him. I did not find out about the extent of the relationship until recently so that comes into the mix. I hate this so much. I am in pain but when he lies and does these things I just get more confused. Thank you for any advice you can give. I am trying to move on because I don't know if I can just be there when he needs sex and family time.
2007-09-21 05:07:57 · update #4
He says he wants his freedom and then still wants sex with you! He is treating you with no respect. I know it will be hard after 23 years together, but you owe it to yourself to take control of this situation, he must not be allowed to say what he wants and what he doesn't want. What about your feelings and your future. He will just be using you when he feels like it. Be strong, stand firm, respect your own feelings. Even if you still love him, you must not allow him to pop back into your life just for sex. There are other guys out there who would give you the respect and love you deserve, don't settle for anything less.
2007-09-21 09:03:37 · answer #1 · answered by ♦♣ alex ♠♥ 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is one of those things in life that no married woman wants or needs to go through. Men tend find that when the children grow up they want their freedom from their marriages. Most men already wanted to leave for years but because of the kids they stay, and we think its because they want the whole package. I feel very bad for you because I have been feeling that my hubby wants to do the same. He once told me in an argument that he calculated how long he would have to pay child support isn't that awful. You cannot hang on to somebody that no longer wants to be with you no matter how bad it hurts. Think about the things that made you happy before marriage maybe start a new career definitely get some counseling. Let him be the loser he walked out on someone who was there for him. Make sure you ask for alimony.
2007-09-21 04:45:37 · answer #2 · answered by blackpearl 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As hard as it is or as little sense as it makes to you, try to hear what he is really saying. I think we tend to get defensive and just try to defend why we have done things etc..,
Whether he is right or not, it is how he feels or it is how it makes him feel. Look within yourself and see if there is any merit at all to what he is saying. If there is, then look in your heart and see if there is any room for compromise. If there is, do it. If there is not, let him know. (Some things should not be compromised on.)
After 23 years, he may just be ready to try something new and may think the grass looks greener on the other side. So prepare yourself for the worst and hope for the best.
Also think about what makes you happy, if it isn't him any more than perhaps you should consider giving him the heave ho.
2007-09-21 04:39:03 · answer #3 · answered by wondermom 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Remember family will always be stronger and last longer than any love relationship unfortunately. It sounds as if there is a stronger outside voice influencing him to do this and youre the victim of it. It does sound that he does want out of the marriage so now you must decide what it is you want an get ready to move on. Sorry
2007-09-21 04:38:19 · answer #4 · answered by Arthur W 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Him and his sister had a
2007-09-21 04:39:55 · answer #5 · answered by Jane Marple 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Unless he's willing to try couples counseling, it may be that your relationship has run its course and is indeed at an end. This rarely happens with both parties feel the desire to move on, and I'm sorry you are hurting.
Do try to get him to give counseling a shot...otherwise, you probably need to realize he'll move on with or without your blessing so try to keep things civil and treasure the good memories.
2007-09-21 04:35:04 · answer #6 · answered by . 7 · 0⤊ 2⤋
It's all part of Soul's journey, lessons in learning to love. If a person doesn't want to be there, there is nothing to do but let him go. You have your flaws, he has his. And now it's done. Time to move on. Love is not power or control. Love is not holding somebody hostage. Love is letting go and letting God. Learn whatever lessons are there to be learned, let go and move on.
2007-09-21 04:51:23 · answer #7 · answered by shine_radiantstar 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Are you saying that your husband had a mutual consent incestuous relationship with his sister when they were young? Yeah, I think I might have a problem dealing with that too.
Unfortunately, though, your husband has now made his feelings clear. If he must choose between leaving you or else restricting himself to the choices you make for him, he chooses leaving you.
Therefore, you must decide between your two choices: 1) keep matters as they stand, you telling him he can't see his sister, which is going to result in a divorce, or 2) you telling your husband that if he will stay married to you, you will resolve to give him the freedom to see who he wants.
I do not envy you -- that's going to be a tough decision to make.
2007-09-21 04:38:38 · answer #8 · answered by Happy-2 5 · 4⤊ 2⤋
Wow...I thought I had a decent answer until I got to the whole "relationship with his sister" part.
Creepy...and not normal.
Can't help you but only to say usually when a partner wants "freedom" or "space" its because they want to see other people.
2007-09-21 04:52:00 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
mid life crisis, ride it out, he'll get over it, just watch he doesnt go awoll and buy a bike or something.
2007-09-21 04:36:58 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 2⤋