Is this a good reason for divorce...?

Question

Married 7 yrs. We have 2 kids, ages 5 and 7. They love their dad to pieces.

We used to be best friends, he still calls me that sometimes. He is a liar and has a drug problem where he cashed an refund check for 1000 to pay for his debt. He lied and said "why woudl I do that" AND tried to claim it as stolen, they sent the forms and he finally relented.

I found he saw a porn site 2 months ago and that broke my heart.

He does laundry, dinner and plays with the kids, they love him to death b/c he's a good dad but I hate him beyond measure.

THanks for listening. You guys are always helpful.

he's trying....but I think it's irreparable at this point. I know he loves me as a mom and wife but there's no respect. We used to have great times (few months back b4 I found this all out)

Answer 1

I have difficulty believing you HATE the man you've had two children with, but I can easily believe you're hurt and disappointed. The fact that he has a drug problem explains the mishandling of money and the incidental lying...that's what people with drug problems do. But by your own admission you can see him trying, and you've described him as a good father, reasonably attentive to household concerns, so it's obvious even to you that this man (like every other person on the planet) has more than one dimension to him and a fair amount of redeeming qualities. The question is, what (if anything) does this revelation mean to you? You asked if this was a good reason for a divorce....I suggest to you that any point at which you consciously decide to stop trying is the point where things die (and at the 7 year mark, you're statistically right on target). Is it a good reason? No (then again, it's not my place to make that judgment), but it doesn't have to be...it is A reason, and if either or both of you refuse to work on it further any old excuse will do. You know how they say, "Misery loves company"? You're considering joining a large, well-established club of American divorcees....I, myself am a charter member. But here's where the axiom goes awry: You're not welcome here, we're not having a good time, and we don't need anymore members! So, I'm voting against your entrance (but trust me, you can still get in without MY approval). Just so you'll know, the entire family pays the membership dues...you, him, and your two children. Good luck in the decision-making process.

Answer 2

Hating him beyond measure could be a good reason for divorce. Being a liar and having a drug problem could also be considered a good reason. You have to be the one to decide what's best for you. If he didn't lie and have drug problems how would you feel about him? Have you given him an opportunity to change? When I say that I mean really sat him down and said, "I'm going to leave because I can't live with the drugs and lying"? If you have and he hasn't put forth any kind of effort to change, yeah you've got a good reason to leave.

Answer 3

Whether you are aware of it or not, your kids are being raised by a drug addict, and they are being affected. I've heard that kids who are raised by alcoholics end up having problems in their adult lives, and I'm sure the same applies here. What ever you do, make your decision on what is best for the kids. That's the same approach the courts take in these matters. Ask yourself this question... "Would I allow any other man with a drug problem, who lies and steals, and looks at pornography to play with my kids?" If the answer is no, then why are you making an exception for your husband?

Answer 4

well if he paid his debt that would be better for him so he wont have bad credit...but if you guys needed the money more at the time then thats pretty bad that he had to lie? and did he pay for the porno site (subscribed) or was it just something that popped up unexpectedly, sometimes you get emails with that crap in it and it might have been accidental. other than that i dont see any reason to divorce...talk it over first

oh ok i re read it....umm well as far as the money part...drug addictions are terrible thing to have and most addicts will find anyway to get that fix, have you tried talking him into getting some professional help? If you love him that much and he loves you it can work out...

Answer 5

If he is looking at porn, he's cheating on you. Also, would you want your children to accidentally come across any porn he would have on the computer? He is putting your kids in danger with the drug habit. That money I'm sure could be used for better things than drug debts. So, he does drugs, looks at porn, and lies to you. Chances are, this isn't the first time he's done any of those things. Couples counseling would really help if you're really wanting to keep this together and he would need to go to rehab to straighten out his drug habit. If he's doing drugs around your kids, they could be taken by Child Protective Services. Good luck with your decision.

Answer 6

Well its great that he's still good with the kids, but children dont need to be around drugs and you deserve to be happy but I dont think anything makes divorce ok unless there is adultery and abuse. "For better or worse, til death do us part"
This is a tough one, but I would get some help before breaking the vows.

Answer 7

Hmm sounds like a problem. Its weird how he is good to the kids though. Usually people with problems treat there kids bad. Is it possible to work through the drug problems and maybe that will fix the other problems?

Answer 8

Seems like there is too much lies and deceit in this relationship. Not enough to trust him or even give him a chance unless he proves himself. You can forgive him because we are all human and make mistakes. As long as he promises to tell the truth with you and regains your trust back. It will take a while but it takes a lot of patience and dedication to the marriage.

Answer 9

It appears other than the good aspects of him, he is out of control and needs professional help. The worst part of this with our current drug laws, if he were to be caught with them you could stand a realgood chance to have everything you own confiscated due to the drug laws and your children would become wards of the legal system. So under that you need tofigure out whether its really worth staying with him and due to his ability to lie,you really cant trust his answers but you definitely cant afford to lose your family and belongings either. Tough choice here but put the kids first and then yourself and go from there. You may also consider turning him over to the authorities before something happens and they willsee he gets the medical attention he desperately needs. Called time for tough love here. Sorry my answer is so harsh but you really do have alot to lose here due to him. Good luck

Answer 10

If the love is not there anymore, and it is irrepairable...then there is really nothing to do but leave him. Your kids will pick up on the tension in the house and be unhappy if their parents don't love each other. Them being in a happy environment is the most important thing.