I got married 10 years ago when my wife got pregnant, now I find out that my son is not mine. What should I do

Question

I have a lot of concerns, here are just a few:
I feel my son has a right to know, but I hate to think that he'll not think of me as his father. I'm scared that he'll want to meet his dad and then I'm fearful that his biological dad will want some level of custody or visitation.

If I don't my son, I know its possible that he'll find out at some point by accident - when I can't provide blood, organ, etc, who knows but I can't imagine how upset I would be to find out that my dad has been lying to me all my life - I can't have my son hate me for that.

what are the legal issues? If the table was turned, I would be very upset if I had a son and didnt even know about it. what rights do biological fathers have if they haven't been around for the 1st 10years, even if they didn't know.

what if there are genetic health issues that we should know about?

I love my son and I will never be able to think of him any different than my son. But, because I love him, I want to do what is right

Answer 1

I was that son several years ago. For many years I thought my Dad was my Dad. Then one day out o fthe blue an older cousin informed me that he was not my Dad. Like your situation my Dad was with me from birth, unlike yourself he knew he wasn't my natural father. Much like your self he love me as his son anyway.

Yes I was very hurt, and confused. One that he wasn't my real father. Two, that I had been lied to by BOTH of my parents for about 11 years, and so did the rest of my family.

My father sat down with me, just me and him alone, away from home and any potential for distractions, and told me the whole story. There was alot of tears, on both side, but he assured me that he felt in his heart I was his son, and he loved me as if I was.

That was almost 30 years ago, and he is still my Father, and my Dad, and I'm still his son. We've talked about it just a couple of years ago, and he was still apologizing to me for not telling me from the start.

I think he carried the regret harder than I did.

Yes, I wanted to know who my real father was. What did he do? What did he look like? Why didn't he want to be with me? I've spoken with him only once, over the phone about 20 years ago. I wasn't missing anything, and gained everything. A father who loved me, cared for me, and was my Dad.

I'm sure this may have caused a strain on your marriage with your wife. I think it would be best for you to tell him yourself, alone together just the two of you. But you better be sure. If you and the mother are still on speaking terms. You may want to let her know what your going to do. Beacuse she will have a lot of explaining to do to your son, and he may be mad at her for not telling him.

But, you should be the first to tell him.

Good Luck.

Answer 2

I think that after 10 years that he is your son. Genetics has nothing to do with raising a child. After all anybody can be a father but it takes a real man to be a daddy. I would be a little upset at the fact that your wife was having sex with more than one person during a short amount of time. I do think that he should be told that your aren't his biological father but at the same time remind him that he is indeed your son and that you do love him very much. Because it is his right to know. The samething happened to me. I was in the 5th grade before I ever met my "real dad". I have NO relationship with him as for right now. If my mom would have never told me about my so called father then i would have probably resented her for the rest of my natural born life. However, as for the legal issues, the biological father has no rights since they were not married at the time of your sons birth. And the only way he can obtain rights is by going to court and obtaining a dna test to prove he is the father and the he has to make another court date to legitimize him. Just always remember that you are the only dad he has ever had or known. The simple fact that you married his mom when she was pregnant shows that you have put him first from the get go. Just because the blood work doesn't match up doesn't mean that ya'lls love for eachother isn't real.

Answer 3

than you should tell him the truth. my mom led my sister to believe her father was her biological father and than her real dad found out about her years later when she was married and having a baby he called her and told her the truth and god she was completly devestated and it really affected her life in such a bad way. my mom and her were so close before that but after that they don't talk much because my sister can't look at her the same cause she lied to her all those years. and she did want to meet her real father but by the time she decided to he had passed away so she never got to meet him and this also devestated her. you should tell your son the truth or he will end up hating you later on down the road if he finds out. it will only devestate him more if you wait and i don't know about legal issues but i'm pretty sure if the biological father was to want to get some sort of custody than he would be able to since he never knew the boy even existed so you can't blame him you should blame the mother for putting all of yall into this situation and she will have to deal with the consequences one day but you should always be your sons father so matter what and don't let anyone else tell you different ever. you are the only father this boy knows and he will not love you anyless although he might want to meet the other man but think about it he could have to great men that love him dearly in his life and that would be great!!

Answer 4

If you really want to make a clear decision the only thing you have to keep in mind to help you do that is the welfare of YOUR son. Forget everything else, try to work through your own fears internally and try to do what is best for him. By what you wrote is sounds as you and your son have a close relationship, so I think that he will always see you as his father, the one who raised him and was there for him. I would discuss the best way to tell him, yes honesty is the best policy, he has a right to know, but frankly it will depend on him how interested he is in knowing about his biological father. If your son wants to know about his father than go ahead and talk to your wife about telling the biological father, if your son doesn't really want to meet him or doesn't care then leave it at that, no need to bring his father into the picture if your son doesn't want to have a relationship with him. As far as genetics, unless your son already has some type of disease or trouble with his health I wouldn't really worry about it. I think by doing this genetic counseling and tests your son may feel as if somehow he is now different because you are testing him for abnormalities, don't make it bigger than it has to be.

Answer 5

That's a terrible thing to find out. But it doesn't matter if you're his biological father or not. You raised him, he's your son! That'll never change, because even though he shares the DNA of another man, you're the one he gets his emotional bond of. And no one can never take that from you. I think legally, the biological father has visitation rights, if both the son or he wants to. But when it comes to custody, it'll be a very good legal battle, if both of you want it. Also, your son has the right to know about his "bio" dad. It would be terrible if he found out by other means. I know because I have a cousin who was adopted and he only found out, when his father(not the biological) was in his death bed, and his mom had already passed away. It was not pleasent to him and he was pretty confused about it. What's your wife opinion on this? Best of Luck!

Answer 6

OMG! Well first off I want to give you props because you seem like a great father... and I would of been happy if I had a father in my life that cared like you're showing you do for your son.

I think that you should tell him. Explain to him that it's as shocking to you but that you will always be there for him, and that he is your son. He might not understand what is going on right now, but when he gets older he will be very greatful and happy to know the truth and that there are great men out there.

As for the biological father, he didn't know what happened either, If he wants to see his child, and have visitation rights, he's going to have to also be responsible to pay child support, although he never knew about it, its just the way things are nowadays being that they are seperated and it is his child.

I'm sorry you found out something like that, its horrible, and I hope it all works out for you. Keep your head up and good luck with everything.

Answer 7

You're such a great guy for thinking like that despite the hurt it must have also caused you to discover that he wasn't biologically yours and just now!!! What a blow it must be!!
But you are right. He needs to know and for all the reasons you mentioned. And so does his biological dad.
But, your son can't just not want you because someone else fathered him when you've been the one to look after him.
Talk to him.
Seems to me that he couldn't wish to have a better dad than you. YOu put his feelings right before your own, as any good parents would do.
I understand your worries, and maybe in the future your son may hurt you, but what you have to remember is that, children always do, one way or the other. But as the parents and the adults, we have to forgive them.
Good luck.
xxxxx

Answer 8

Biology does not make a father.....you have been there for him from before he was born, and you love him dearly....He will always be your son and he will always know that you are his dad. He will continue to love you, because you have taken care of him and loved him. The best route is to be honest. It will be much easier for him to deal with this shock along with you and your wife. I assume it is a shock to you and her as well. Help him find his biological father if he wants to, just because he meets him doesn't mean he will drop you. It will be awkward for both of them, and he'll need your guidance. This will most likely make the two of you closer. Telling him will create a far better outcome than lying for years and dealing with his anger when he does find out. Good Luck, remember YOU are his father and always will be, even if this other man becomes part of his life too.

Answer 9

Being a sperm donor in no way makes a person a father. So I would think he would always consider you his dad. I do not know what the mother did if she told the father or not but at this point why do you need to disrupt your child's world just because you wife lied to you. The real question is did you stay married because of the child if not then move on.

Answer 10

Hey man.. its not your fault.. its your wife own selfish fault and it is not your place to come cleant to your son. That load is for y our wife to take on. If it should ever come up. See if your son has no questions than dont tell him.. it will be like opening a can of worms. Leave that alone until

1 the Sons Doaner comes around looking for him
2 your Son actually needs blood or organs.. and that rarley happens in peoples life span I wouldnt worry to much about that.
3 your Son may start to not look like you and wonder if you really are his Father..

Than I will direct him to your mother. its her fault and for all you know she is lying to you saying the Biologial father does not know. He may very well know and didnt want to except responsibility to the child and So she moved on with you. Any how .

I want you to know that any male can give sperm But it takes a man to be a father and Your Son is your Son cause you are his Father.. remember that.. the other guy is just a Doaner..