Should I be upset if my wife goes to lunch with a male coworker?

Question

We've had trust issues in the past and she cheated on me about 6 years ago, but I forgave her and things had gotten better.

About 2 weeks ago, before this, she lied to me and said that she was out with her friend, Patti, to go meet a guy-friend that I don't know, for coffee, while I stayed home with the kids. I found out because I came accross a receipt for Red Lobster from that evening and I know her friend doesn't like seafood. I confronted her, and she admitted it was a guy and that it was innocent and she only hid it from me because she knew I would have told her no.
Then yesterday, she tells me that she went to lunch with a male coworker, who's straight, single and someone I don't know, and talked about work only . She told me that she didn't even think about it making me mad until she'd already done it. She said she felt guilty for doing it and told me, but she also doesn't understand why I'm not ok with it.

Answer 1

If you do not want her to go to lunch with another man, than as your wife she should honor and respect that. And that works both ways.

Answer 2

Forgiveness and trust are two seperate issues. You can forgive but trust does not come so easily. Also, forgiveness does not mean forgetfulness. Please everyone, remember this!
You have every right to say how you feel. You are not just dating. You are married and she should have enough respect for you to not wait til she feels guilty or found out to tell you the truth. And "not remembering" to tell you til afterward is risky business.
I believe you have a valid point but in order to get to the bottom of this you need to think with your head and not with your emoions. Yes, your emotions are important but they can not be in the lead here.
You need to evaluate the past situation and compare and contrast it to the present. This is "simply" (for lack of abetter term) a way to figure out if she is cheating again. Although, I don't like what you have stated so far.
Anyways, no matter if she is cheating or not and no matter that she cheated in the past- if you, her husband, are not comfortable with her going out alone with any other man besdes you or a family member than she should have enough love and respect for you to support the ease of that discomfort. If the situation was reversed, I bet almost anything that she would expect you to be comliant with her wishes.
I will be praying for you. I wish I could do more.......

Answer 3

She's pretty selfish.

She doesn't understand why you aren't okay with it? Hello! Did she forget that she cheated on you 6 years ago!

Yes, people change, blah blah blah, but I'm sure your wife knows that by her having "lunch" (even if it is innocent) it wouldn't fly through with your pretty well.

I've been asked out to lunch my many of my single, attractive, male co-workers but I never take them up on it because I know it would make my fiance feel uneasy.

How did she "forget" that it would upset you?

You need to tell her how you feel, lay down some boundaries, or go out and have your own damn lunch with a single woman she has never met before.... and tell her about it later after she finds the receipt.

Answer 4

Under the circumstances it would be difficult NOT to be upset given your past experiences, but as you've also stated, you've worked through a lot of these issues and things have gotten better so it could be something of a morale booster for her if you gave the luncheon your blessing (assuming you're at a place now where you can handle that). It's a leap of faith which says "I trust you in this matter and I'm at peace with this outing" (even if you're not 100% there emotionally, you can opt to act as if you are). It's a gamble, I know....and only you can decide if it's a gamble worth making, but sometimes the riskiest investments yield the biggest returns. Your consent here would be an investment in the relationship, and it would say a lot to her without your having to say much at all.

Answer 5

I had lunch with a female co-worker a few times, and we used to go for hikes together on weekends, too. But then neither of us had ever cheated on our spouses, and we never did anything but talk and hike.

But I can understand your trust issues, because this is a different case. It's one thing to forgive (a huge thing, too), and another one to forget.

I wouldn't have been able to do either one, man. One of us would have been out the door six years ago. When someone cheats, the fabric of the trust part of the relationship is irreparably ripped. It can't be fixed, and even with forgiveness, it's always going to be a weak spot, like a trick knee.

Tell her how you feel in the context of what happened six years ago. If she responds seriously, then things are probably OK. If she tries to laugh it off or downplay it or dismiss it, repeat yourself, and tell her you wanted her to know how you felt. Perversely enough, if she offers to stop going to lunch with this guy, then things are likely on the up-and-up. If she refuses, then I'd be a little more concerned.

Answer 6

If it is just lunch, dont be upset. Co-workers go to lunch all the time together. I mean, everyone is going somewhere, often to the same place so it makes sense that they would go together. Only be upset if it turns into more ( like phone calls, working late without the pay showing up, unexplained absences, odd computer habits, etc.). Dont stress just lunch though.

Answer 7

Yes, I think you are justified being concerned about this. She has shown in the past that she will be unfaithful---this is in her nature. I think she is either cheating or giving a wide-open door to temptation---she is wanting it to happen. She knows she should not meet with co worker on personal one-on-one level! You need the help of counseling, now---if she never wants the trust issues to come up, she knows she shouldnt be doing the lunch thing---that's one of the prices you pay when you have been dishonest---it always follows you and if you REALLY want or care to be trusted again , you have to pay the price of being watched and have to answer more for our behavior.

God bless and hope this works out.

Answer 8

I was married for 10 years and I will tell you truthfully she should not first of all be going anywhere with any male except you or a family member. If she has cheated in the past she should respect the marriage and say you know what I messed up in the past I will respect my husband and not do this wether or not it is innocent.

Answer 9

There should be cause for concern but you know the signs of her cheating since she has done it before and I would not allow her to cheat on me again and stay married. Maybe your wife needs counseling to see what is wrong that she has to be in the company of other men.

Look for the signs and the first signs that it is more than a causal lunch with a friend, I would let her go because she doesn't respect you or the santicty of marriage. There are too many women who would want a good, decent man who would love, respect, and appreciate them.

Answer 10

This is a question that either you already know the answer to, or you should.
If she's going to lunch with a group of coworkers, it's probably OK. If she's going out and chatting with another guy during lunch, it's probably more than lunch.
If you don't remember history, it's likely to repeat itself.

Answer 11

I go to lunch with male coworkers all the time...my husband works too far away to go to lunch with.

However, we invite those same coworkers to parties at our house, too, so my husband has met them and knows it is all about not wanting to eat lunch alone.

Does your wife talk about these workers? Have you met them? You can't keep her from all men in the world. But I'm sure if you look you can figure out if they are MORE than friends.