*****
Watchdog
Me, to you, is just a foolish young boy
Wrapped around your every move and mood
I can dance and sing out in the moonlight
But you won’t hear me make a sound at all
I watch for you from underneath the shadows
Out of the way from all the things you see
I’m not here to catch you looking at me
I’m waiting here to catch you when you fall
I stand alone and watch as others use you
Just like their other pretty paper dolls
A tear from me, a laughable reminder
A smile from you, a gesture even kinder…
*****
2007-09-21 01:01:42 · 7 answers · asked by TD Euwaite? 6 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
I like the idea, and the last stanza is particularly moving. The first line threw me off at first, but I think it works. There are legitimate reasons "me" could be used instead of "I"; these could include a narrator objectifying himself, or referring to the reader in this way. In this case, I think bending grammatical rule to show the speaker/narrator placing himself in the objective position is pretty clever.
I think the first two stanzas would benefit from some tightening. You could take out "young," since "boy" implies youth. In the third line, "out" seems superfluous, as does "at all" in the fourth. In line five, I would change "underneath" to "under," and consider excising "the" as well. These are small changes, but I think they would improve your rhythm. Perhaps more importantly, they would add more weight to what remains; by removing the extraneous, you add impact to the words that matter.
All in all, nice job on this; it's always a pleasure to read your work.
2007-09-21 04:32:38 · answer #1 · answered by Jeff R 4 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Honestly, I can't get past the first line because it isn't grammatically correct. Try "I, to you, am just a foolish young boy."
2007-09-21 08:38:25 · answer #2 · answered by Bryan H 3 · 0⤊ 3⤋
I like what it is trying to say, but your not staying true to what your really trying so say
2007-09-21 08:21:04 · answer #3 · answered by screamingecho 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
have you ever seen the robin williams movie 'dead poets society'? you could learn a lot from it.
2007-09-21 09:52:15 · answer #4 · answered by synopsis 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I like it and immediately this song comes to mind.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t0kpYhGIC0k
2007-09-21 08:08:43 · answer #5 · answered by tyler durden 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I like it...I also write poetry but it's nothing like ur stuff. You should e-mail me so that I can show u my stuff. GOD BLESS
2007-09-21 09:26:20 · answer #6 · answered by mysteryousmtz 6 · 0⤊ 2⤋
You wrote this for me didn't you?
I love it.
2007-09-21 08:33:24 · answer #7 · answered by Marla ™ 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋