Furthermore, in high school I also did some community service in a Convalescent Hospital. I used to help feed the elder and plan fun activities for them such as exercising and dancing.
2007-09-20 19:53:11 · 9 answers · asked by naaanda 1 in Education & Reference ➔ Primary & Secondary Education
Try this.......
Furthermore, while in high school I volunteered my time in a Convalescent Hospital. I also assisted the elderly with daily struggles and organized fun social activities such as dance and exercise classes for them to enjoy.
2007-09-20 20:07:32 · answer #1 · answered by krissy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
'Moreover' instead of 'furthermore,' I think. Don't capitalize Convalescent Hospital unless that is the actual name. 'Elderly residents' or 'seniors', not elder. I would also use 'pleasurable' instead of 'fun' but that's more of a preference. Otherwise, it sounds pretty good and reads well, and it's great that you did that kind of community service. I'm sure the elderly people enjoyed it.
2007-09-20 20:02:32 · answer #2 · answered by Katherine W 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
apart from 'elderly' for 'elder' and maybe not using capitals for convalescent hospital, it's just fine.
as a question of personal taste, I would use neither 'furthermore? nor 'moreover' (as Katerine W. suggested). To my ear, they both sound a little formal. perhaps 'in addition' or 'also' would be a little more apt.
by the way, I don't use many capitals on the net, but that's laziness!
2007-09-20 20:13:30 · answer #3 · answered by basher999 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Commas are not easily understood and I could be wrong but maybe you need one after "them," also EDLERLY not ELDER and Convalescent should have a lower case c, it is not a proper noun, neither is hospital.
convalescent hospital (you only captialize proper nouns such as, Reseda Convalescent Hospital).
Other than that it seems ok.
At least there is nothing seriously wrong like a dangling participle.
2007-09-20 22:21:35 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
No it is not should say i use to help feed the elderly and plan fun activities for them such as exercising and dancing.
2007-09-20 20:00:53 · answer #5 · answered by I am women 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I'm no authority on this but, it sounds better if you leave the furthermore off. I guess it is a typo but "you help fee the elderly, not elder". I don't like to pick on other people's grammar, but you asked.....
2007-09-20 20:03:24 · answer #6 · answered by Lucy's Mama 1 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you should state: "I also did some community services...", "in a convalescent hospital" or "in the Convalescent Hospital", "and did plan..."
2007-09-20 20:12:25 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
change elder to elderly; do not capitalize convalescent hospital (unless that's its proper(formsl) name
2007-09-20 20:01:53 · answer #8 · answered by Caysie101 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think you should have said, I used to help feed the elderly.
2007-09-20 20:00:41 · answer #9 · answered by badbill1941 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋